Picking fights: Why do they do it and how do you deal with it?

Good_Result2787 · 2024-04-12T14:17:11+00:00

I've had occasions where there could be a small disagreement over a seemingly trivial thing. In my case, though, it was almost always because it was a trivial thing that my partner had noticed or asked me to modify in the past, and I didn't do it. So, after a few more asks, something that is trivial became a bit of an issue.

I admit that, sometimes, there are things that I should notice or consider before something like that happens, and I do not. But I've tried my best not to let things get that far over the years because fighting over trivialities is not great, imho. I say this to differentiate between what seems like a random fight for no reason and what is actually pent-up frustration at the other person over an issue they don't feel heard on. I know the former exists too, though, but thankfully I haven't been involved in that.

There are a scant few times in the relationship where we gave each other "silent treatment". Both of us were stubborn in those cases and did not feel comfortable or vindicated doing so. For the most part, we made efforts to talk things out, especially if it was late at night before bed so that we weren't trying to sleep or rest in disharmony.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-04-12T17:27:09+00:00

Oh, I loathe that shit. I dated this one dude who would do this all the time, it's like if he was in a bad mood, I also had to be in a bad mood. If he felt like I was doing better than him (be it academically or socially), he'd try to make me feel bad by either making casually cruel comments, making me doubt my own sanity, or would just pick something to argue about because it would bum me out. I don't think I handled it well, I should have just left and told him to pound sand but I was genuinelly confused about this behavior, and was just sad but stayed because, hey, he wasn't like this all the time, when things were good, they were amazing. Don't date narcissists, kids.

Can't really say about your situation. How often is "from time to time"? Is it genuinelly trivial shit that you know they don't care about and are just picking it out of thin air to ruin your day, or is it something they do care about and have brought it up a bunch of times before? They might be doing it to piss you off, test to see if you'll tolerate their bullshit, or they genuinelly care about these things and are annoyed that you don't seem to listen to them. Either way, ignoring the issue isn't a good way to go about it. If they are just being an asshole, ignoring them will just make them up the ante, and be even bigger assholes who might try to convince you that you're the bad guy in this situation. If they are sincere about that stuff (trivial to you though it may be), they might think you're punishing them with the silent treatment because they expressed displeasure with something you did/didn't do.

Talk to them, let them know how you feel about this, and you'll either end up with an open, honest discussion with a reasonable person with who you could work on some kind of solution, or you'll figure out that you're dating a shithead who likes to make others miserable, and that will be your cue that this relationship isn't worth it.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-04-12T16:45:14+00:00

What women fail to understand is that, to men, the “silent treatment” is a gift from God.

Anytime you were in a long-term relationship and/or close quarters with a partner there’s going to be some random bullshit that comes up. In general, I choose partners who bring me peace. There are very few random acts of insanity. If someone wants to pick a fight or start screaming at me, I just never blow my cool; yelling at a woman is nearly as bad as hitting them I think. You stay calm, let it blow over, address what needs to be addressed and move on. If someone is just bringing chaos to my life and constantly flipping out then she’s going to get cut from the team pretty quickly.

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MouthSandTeethTongue · 2024-04-12T15:01:38+00:00

Because it has become a source of approval for them. By that I don't mean that the "approval" has to come from anyone but themselves. The very act of fighting is enticing to them (including the subsequent apologies and making amends).

I think it comes down to a belief that this behavior makes them grow in some capacity. Or that it moves the relationship in an useful direction, ultimately.

John-Nada_ · 2024-04-12T15:30:51+00:00

Manufacture a fight with your girl from time to time, then drop the topic and act like you forgot about it. lol

Safinated · 2024-04-12T15:51:53+00:00

Who cares why? Dump em and find someone who isn’t shit

kvakerok_v2 · 2024-04-12T16:43:49+00:00

Shit tests and how to pass them, red pill 101.

Title	Picking fights: Why do they do it and how do you deal with it?
Author	facelikethunder22
Upvotes	1
Comments	8
Date	April 12, 2024 3:59 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1c1zme9/picking_fights_why_do_they_do_it_and_how_do_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/picking-fights-why-do-they-do-it-and-how-do-you.1514854 https://theredarchive.com/post/1514854

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