I dont really know how to get into all this but to start, i struggle with caring for myself (hygeine like oral care and showering, getting dressed), i also dont leave the house much at all (a grocery trip or therapy, thats really all i can manage). I also dont exercise. I have a rly hard time getting into a routine as much as i want to be a totally different kind of woman, i am not right now.

For starters i have RCPD, a lesser known condition otherwise described as the inability to burp. It sounds ridiculous and negligible but it rly does impact my life significantly. I have to sit down in a reclined position for a few hours after i eat (most meals, especially in the evening). If i dont, i get a very odd sensation in my throat that i know deep down is a burp, but to me i cant tell if its me about to vomit or burp.

I also have severe, severe emetophobia, a phobia of vomiting. So where some ppl may push through that sensation of needing to burp but not being able to, it bothers me a lot and its very uncomfortable. Its caused a face tic too. I go to therapy for the phobia but its not exposure therapy which i think may be a better option but i rly just dont know anymore. This phobia is the reason i dont leave the house at all. I can barely make it through a trip to the grocery store and usually have to leave before ive gotten everything on the list because im so anxious. Its all about the possibility of throwing up. Even if i feel fine, im afraid once i leave the house i will start to feel unwell and throw up away from home. This phobia was much worse over winter and almost ended my relationship, but we moved in together and thats pretty much solved the relational aspect of it (he needs physical touch and i would refuse to let him come over in case i got sick while he was there).

I have surgery scheduled in mid-september to treat the RCPD and ive got a feeling itll help me to start exercising at home and being more active around the house; brushing my teeth, etc because ill actually be able to be in a standing position without discomfort. I think it may help with my phobia slightly but i think leaving the house will still be an issue.

Despite the zero exercise and never leaving the house, i am underweight. 100lbs at 5’6. Ive tried gaining over the past few weeks but nothing has come from it. I cant eat much more because then im seriously spending all day sitting down because the RCPD bothers me after i eat.

I do still do my “house-girlfriend” duties. Ik im gonna get pushback for using that term but i do have a remote job. I work part time from home and its a very easy job i enjoy. But i am able to keep up with laundry, dishes. I try to cook most days unless i dont feel well (happened for a short while my stomach was upset so i left my bf to make his own food for a few days).

I just hate the way i look seriously. I have clothes i like, but my body is the issue. No matter what i do i cant look smooth? If that makes sense. My hair is frizzy and poofy no matter what i do. My legs usually look purply rather than a smooth skin tone and i usually have bruises or cuts or scars all over me. (Sidenote: are yall shaving your arms?? Like the actual arms not armpits. Idk i feel like im so hairy). And my legs could be sexy (theyre quite long) if they actually were somewhat muscular and had more meat on them but theyre essentially sticks.

I want to turn myself around but i need someone to tell me if im being a bitch about the RCPD thing and need to just suck it up or if its valid, and i can wait until i get the surgery before i start trying to make changes. I wanna reiterate, when i say its uncomfortable, i mean i can barely stand long enough to brush my teeth without becoming very uncomfortable and anxious). To further describe the issue, imagine air in your stomach when youre standing up vs laying down. When youre standing, its gonna come up the esophagus, and youll burp. Except i cannot burp. But if i lay down, its not coming up my esophagus making me feel like im gonna be sick, so im much more comfortable

Idk man be brutal. I see videos about self improvement and feel motivated but i just cant because i feel so bad physically. But at the same time i hate the way i care for myself right now.

ETA: i have started eating meat, which i havent eaten in 7-8 years. So hopefully ill start gaining weight. I am 19 btw. Also to clear up the boyfriend thing, i trust him when he says he has full intentions to propose as soon as he can afford to. We fully intend to get married and i trust that that will happen. He hasnt let me down on anything before and weve been together close to 2 years.