It’s interesting to observe how, in many situations, a person’s personality seems to have minimal or no impact on how they are judged. One example I frequently notice is that women, in new relationships, often admire actions taken by their current partners that are identical to actions they despised in their ex-husbands.

Here are a few real-life examples I’ve witnessed (the names are fictitious, of course):

Stacy complaining about her ex-husband:

"My ex used to work a lot of overtime, and to me, it was obvious that he didn’t enjoy spending time with me and our child."

Stacy, a few years later, praising her current husband:

"My husband is amazing. He works two jobs to give our family the best, and that even includes his stepson, whom he’s not even obligated to take care of."

Nancy complaining about her ex-husband:

"My ex was possessive. Sometimes I would go out, and he’d always call to ask where I was, as if he didn’t trust me. It felt like he thought I was cheating on him. If he didn’t trust me, why did he marry me?"

Nancy, a few months later, praising her current boyfriend:

"My boyfriend is so sweet! Sometimes when I go out, he calls to check where I am and make sure I’m okay. He gets super worried that something might happen to me."

Mary complaining about her ex-husband:

"My ex sexualized our daughter. Every time she wore short clothes, he would tell her to change, saying she was showing too much and that it would attract attention. I hated how he viewed our daughter in such a sexualized way."

Mary, a few years later, praising her current boyfriend:

"My boyfriend is very protective of our 'daughter'. He knows how many awful men are out there, and he even advises her to wear more modest clothes to avoid being sexualized by creeps. I consider him to be her true father."

These examples show how identical behaviors can be interpreted in completely different ways depending on who’s performing them. This shift in judgment happened to me as well when I was younger and stuck in the "friend zone."

Once, I invited a girl I liked to have some drinks and snacks. During the outing, I confessed that I loved her. She was deeply offended, accusing me of trying to take advantage of her just because I bought her a drink, even though she had only had one and wasn’t even tipsy. After that, we argued, went our separate ways, and I went to hang out with some friends who were nearby (though not with us). That same night, she was approached by another guy, Chad, who gave her more drinks. Years later, I heard her proudly recounting how drunk she got that night and how wild her behavior was.

This biased judgment also leads women to view circumstantial actions as inherent personality traits, simply to place their current partner on a moral pedestal compared to the ex. A good example of this occurred during a divorce I witnessed. Ignoring the fact that the ex-husband was hurt and had been cheated on, the woman said:

"I got sick, and when the 'father of my child' came to pick up the kid, he didn’t even ask how I was. He just took the kid and left. But the guy I’m seeing now has a completely different attitude. When he found out I was sick, he came over and took care of me."

These examples happen frequently enough to raise the question of whether personality actually plays a significant role in how you’re judged. It seems that what really matters are the feelings and circumstances surrounding the person, not necessarily who they are. This applies not only to attraction but also to moral judgments people make about others.

What I'm saying is pretty anecdotal, but I've seen enough of this stuff happen to recognize that it has a significant, if not 100%, intensity. It also (weakly) corroborates research on gender bias and the halo effect. You'll often see people, especially women, condemning someone for the same thing they praise other person.