I'm a 49 year old Male. I've been divorced for just under 10 years. In that time I have become my own man and I'm truly independent and capable of raising my 14yr old daughter and guiding my 19 year old son, who no longer lives in the house. I have been part of a high conflict divorce. Meaning, the legal process at the beginning was awful and expensive. I've long since recovered.

My ex and I have never been able to co-parent. I refer to our style as "parallel parenting". What does that mean? I do my thing and she does her thing. We are unable to communicate. Truly. I've tried for years to text or email (we can't talk) regarding anything I feel requires co-parenting. These attempts are never responded too or responded to days later or after a reminder from me. Why do I say all this? To let you know I have my own baggage regarding my ex that I bring to my relationship.

Three years ago I met a wonderful woman whom I love very much. She too has been divorced just under 10 years. In that time, she and her ex were amicable and did everything to keep things consistent for their kids. That amicability stretched beyond her immediate family and into her extended family as well. They too kept all traditions in place and both were always invited to all the events. In the formative years of the children, that is great. She has two children. A 22yr old son and a 20 yr old daughter.

Now let me get to the point of this post. I do feel the preamble gives some context into what I'm struggling with.

This started the first Easter we were together, three years ago. My son was still living with me at the time. The plan was for me and my kids to visit her and her family (immediate and extended) at her house for Easter. My daughter had gotten sick and I told her I wasn't able to make it. I didn't want anyone catching a cold. My son asked if he could go to his girlfriend's house for Easter dinner. I said, "of course". I hadn't had any real Easter fixings since I thought we would be at my girlfriend's house. I drove him to see her.

His girlfriend lived close to mine. My daughter stayed at home for a hour and I dropped my son off. I decided I wanted to swing by quick and say Happy Easter to my girlfriend, who I was absolutely falling in love with. When I got there I rang the doorbell. Her sister answered and gave me a look of pure shock. I was a bit taken back. I walked in with smiles and said hello to everyone. My girlfriend quickly disappeared upstairs and her sister followed. Not knowing what was going on I walked into the kitchen figuring she would be back down. There I saw her brother-in-law and another man I didn't know at the table. I introduced myself. It was her ex husband, who I hadn't met yet. Here he was, sitting at the table playing cards and he offered me a beer. This really shocked me. I was being offered a beer from the man, sitting at the table of a house he once owned. In that moment, I truly felt like the "other man." Nobody introduced me. I had to introduce myself. She never made mention of inviting her ex.

In fact, she came down and acted like everything was normal and still didn't introduce me. I put it together who he was and opted to excuse myself. I said my goodbyes and left for my truck. She met me in the driveway in tears. She was obviously uncomfortable too. We talked for about 15 minutes. I left it that I would like to have a beer or dinner with the guy at some point, should we stay together.

I'll be honest, I felt betrayed. No mention of him coming. In fact, I later learned, he wasn't going to come until it was clear I wasn't going to be able to make it. Three years after the fact, I know that she omits information. She never would of told me. I understand, it was innocent enough. But the omission of truth, this and several times since, has eroded at my trust.

It has been three years and I never had dinner or a beer with her ex.

I made it clear I did not like what had happened and was not okay with him being at every event and holiday. Since then countless events and holidays have happened and he has been in attendance. I understand there are certain events and holidays that both divorced parents should be at: birthdays, graduations, marriage, grand kids, the list goes on. However, I don't need him at every Easter, Christmas Party, or previous tradition. Her list of excuses range from "It is for the kids" (I will remind you that her kids are now 20 and 22 years old) to "Nobody should be alone for a holiday."

I still have a 14 year old daughter. She hasn't had a great deal of tradition in her life that included the other parent because I divorced when she was 4 years old. I was looking forward to a relationship with a woman where I could carve out our own traditions. Not piggy back onto old traditions. Especially ones that include her ex. I've told her this multiple times.

I've tried to relate to her by pointing out that both her kids have new relationships. They are branching away from the traditions of the past themselves at times. They are forming new foundations and traditions with their partners. This is natural when we are kids and first starting out. Our "new" relationship is no different. We need a solid foundation. Once we get the solid foundation, then we can re-incorporate into traditions we want to be a part of (with boundaries, of course) and create new ones for ourselves. She says she hears me but nothing changes.

So here it is. I'm fed up. I don't know what to do. I need her to have boundaries. I'm not upset with her ex. And to be clear, I'm not threatened by him either. He is a seemingly nice guy. Not worried about them as a physical threat. I may have some worries regarding their emotional connection still. After ten years her ex remains single and from what I hear has no intention of ever seeking a new relationship. I am upset with my girlfriend because she is the one in a relationship. It isn't up to her ex to uphold the boundaries. It is up to her to uphold the boundaries.

Now you have a glimpse into my story. I'm feeling a bit cloudy in my thinking and it is no longer clear. I'm looking for advice. If you can, please offer solid advice with information. I'm happy to read anecdotal advice but I'm an engineer and practical is always more useful to me. And when responding, please remember, I love this woman very much. So much in fact that I've tried to look past this for years. The damn is overflowing a bit and I'm in need of some relief or the damn is going to break.

If all you do is read this, good luck to you. You are here for a reason and the struggle is real. Relationships are hard work.