Moving on?

rwirtes · 2024-12-22T17:57:40+00:00

I’ve been divorced for about a year. Friends and family have told me that I’m the happiest divorcee they’ve ever seen. I don’t disagree with their observation as I can honestly say that I am now happy and content. While my divorce was amicable, I went through personal hell and heartbreak several years leading up to the divorce, going to marriage counseling where it was completely one sided (her side), and during the finalization period where we lived together and I had to deal with her borderline personality disorder. This is what got me through the heartbreak, intense loneliness, and utter despair.

If you have a faith, lean into it. As a Christian, knowing that God has providence over my life and reflecting on his promises in scripture helped tremendously! If you don’t have a faith or your athiest/agnostic, no worries, just skip this step.
Let go of bitterness. Bitterness is a poison that only affects the person holding on to it. It is letting that person or experience repeatedly damage you and live in your psyche. It’s simple, but not easy. You literally decide you are NOT going to remain bitter.
Stay active in a social environment that you have to physically participate in. I started taking up ballroom dancing and I can’t recommend this activity highly enough. It is social, physical, upbeat, fun, and challenging. It will let you interact with women in a safe, plutonic environment. It has a romantic/chivalric dynamic to it as well and it helped me to recalibrate before I start dating again. Try it or find something similar.
Weight training. Weights, kettlebells, or calisthenics, it doesn’t matter. Get some resistance for your muscles, joints, and bones. It burns off stress, releases, endorphins, helps you sleep, makes you look and feel better. The list goes on and on!
Learn something new. Anything. I started relearning cursive writing and reading more books. Keep it going!
Get good sleep. Don’t stay up late, get up the same time every morning. When you can’t sleep don’t stress over it.
Get outside. Go walk, hike, run, drink coffee, read, etc. outside. Get sunlight everyday. Let your body feel the different temperatures. Take of your shoes, go barefoot.
It’s ok to feel lonely, but don’t BE lonely. There’s a difference between feeling something and identifying as something. You are not lonely, you are recovering and working on healing.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Let your emotions run their natural course, then process/reflect. Lean into what you feel and why you feel it. Emotions are like the wind, ever changing in direction and intensity. Your being is the sea. It holds up who you are and is slow to change. Your mind is the sail and can redirect you on the right path when the winds are contrary. Emotions/heart should not lead, but be tempered.
Don’t rush. The whole healing process takes time, we’re talking years, not months. I would give any divorce at least one full year before you try to get into a new relationship. Even with sex. You’d be surprised how much power you can get by abstaining from lusts for a year. It helps you rediscover your identity as a man. I have nothing against sex and if you’re into casual sex, I’m not passing any judgement, but pulling back from sex allows you to rebalance and asses what role sex really plays in your life.

I hope this helps!

Dust_barrels27 · 2024-12-22T10:24:59+00:00

I’ll give you the scoop when I’m moving on thing number one don’t worry about it. You’re out there. You pack it up. You’re going this period your life you shut down. Make sure your kids are comfortable when they are. I’ll make too big with you. I’ll just get up and leave now that you’re gone reach out to Lawyer and make some plans like what are you gonna deal with your life? Maybe the best lawyer to ask Try to figure that out after you’re done with that kind of crap don’t go doing some extreme like going too well or something like that you’re gonna end up dead those things truly but just try to keep your eyes in the prize rebuild you want to be the next sandwich one you got left how you gonna keep paying for work and I’ll keep in mind for you if you come around trying to do some exercise and remember this bitch this woman ruined your life and not even do bad, so don’t talk shit about it. I’m doing bad, like married Devil and look at what happened

New_Kangaroo9490 · 2024-12-22T01:28:08+00:00

You need to work on yourself so the court sees you are trying even if you didn't do anything.

I found a pastor who is great for counseling, and I am not even religious. Go to Divorce care.com support groups they are like 20 bucks for 13 weeks, go to therapy, and go to the gym. Or even just for walks. When your STBX is a bit more calm. Talk to her about seeing your kids. Your kids need you despite your differences. They need both mom and dad. Also, trust me with this she is going to need help with the kids a breather I am sure she is going to accept.

Honestly, it is not healthy to use the kids in a divorce. First fight for your kids, then you guys can talk about the house and department.

RealMadridfan369 · 2024-12-21T15:05:10+00:00

Man, I'm sorry. I'm going through a divorce myself at the moment. IT GETS BETTER, take it day by day. DON'T CHANGE still be a great dad. I get the depression and its killer, but find something to do. New hobby, hit the gym, learn a new skill, anything to get your mind off of things. We're all going to make it bro.

No_Pace2396 · 2024-12-21T05:55:32+00:00

Move on and build your own life. Most common advice I’ve heard, but I still don’t know what it means. There’s a lot of acceptance that has to happen: first, accept that family court is not on your side. You are the bad man. The judge isn’t going to see anything else. Proof and evidence aren’t concepts that exist as far as I can tell.

Sorry. This whole process has been like getting washed out with the tide.

Accurate_Efforts · 2024-12-20T18:08:13+00:00

From what I’ve seen, you do what you need to do to move on, there are a lot of takes on this forum about it.

Build a new community, mindset, body, lifestyle. Find the things you had to put on the shelf or get you out of bed in the morning. Become friends with yourself and rediscover who the new person is in the mirror.

My biggest suggestion would be to stop drinking or finding ways to numb the pain, you gotta work through the disconnect and discomfort.

Title	Moving on?
Author	MysteriousDevice2994
Upvotes	9
Comments	17
Date	December 20, 2024 3:42 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1himiq7/moving_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/moving-on.1539066 https://theredarchive.com/post/1539066

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