Hi Ladies! I am new-ish to this community so bear with me here. I really value what I have learned in this community by reading the various experiences and approaches to relationships & dating from the women who choose to share. I'm hoping by sharing a little about myself I gain some new perspective on a topic that has been on my mind.

A little background: I am 28.5 years-old, single & dating, no long-term (or short-term) relationship experience, and abstinent since 2020. As far as physical attributes go, I am petite (5’4 and quite thin) and have been told I have an attractive face. I have also been told that I’m soft/feminine but that I‘m awkward and lack confidence. I tend to date/attract men from a variety of ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds (on apps and in person). I’ve noticed some commonalities in personalities with the men I attract, most of them tend to be shy/introverted with very few being extroverted. My experiences with dating has mostly been men who are very forward about physical intimacy, even going as far as touching me a lot starting on the first date. I’m very soft spoken and have a hard time setting boundaries around this. For example, a guy I recently stopped seeing rubbed on my arms and was kissing on my neck our first time meeting. However, another guy a while ago did not cross any boundaries with physical touch at all but had trauma dumped on the first 2 dates. I didn’t know how to stop this either.

So, while reading an older post on here, I came across the term Nun Mode that I've seen before but had no clue its’ meaning. After a bit more digging through the subreddit I came across some posts that outline what it means to be in Nun Mode and something clicked. I've been in "nun mode" on and off for at least the pasts 6 years. As I was reading the post, I kept saying to myself: "I've done that, tried that and that, and currently doing this." From going down a self-help rabbit hole and consistent therapy sessions to regular exercise and femininity courses, I've probably tried it for weeks/months/years on ends since the age of 22.

"So... what's the problem??", you may be thinking. My issue is that I haven't seen all the desired results I've hoped to see in my life by 28 especially as far as dating and relationships go. And after learning about Nun Mode, I am thinking about what may have been missing from my self-improvement journey years ago and what I can do now that will make the biggest difference as I try to improve various about myself. After some self-reflection (and reading about Nun Mode here) I can see that my lack of focus on specific goals and my tendency to be easily distracted have probably contributed to my some of my failures.

Things I would like to improve and/or add to my life:

  1. Self-esteem/confidence
  2. Social skills
  3. Setting and upholding boundaries (curbing my ppl-pleasing ways) esp. w/ my job, men I date, and myself
  4. Finding better treatments for my anxiety + ADHD
  5. Going back to therapy/psychiatry to work on above issues with professionals.

*Bonus: Learning a new skill/hobby like sewing or tennis

Things I am currently doing:

  1. Fixed my looks by treating acne and dressing better
  2. Reading The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle and The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
  3. Proactively working towards my career goals
  4. Learning more about myself and my desires by dating different men
  5. Deleted social media + Netflix
  6. Staying fit by regularly walking/hiking
  7. Going out to bars/restaurants solo and practicing socializing
  8. Consistently taking my ADHD meds
  9. Journaling

Considering all of this, I'm wondering now if I should lean more soft or hard nun mode. I'm not sure if my issues necessarily require 6-months+ of my full attention, and I'm even less sure if self-isolation would be a good idea for me as I already struggle with being very shy. I'm also worried about my age and wasting more time by isolating myself/stop dating. Although I don't trust my ability yet to properly vet and pick men (I was raised by single-mom and had no example of healthy relationships at home), it feels premature to cut off men who may be great suitors before I even really get to know them. Anyway, I just wanted to share and get some advice if you have any. Are there any women here who can relate or have been where I am and now have the life they once hoped for (marriage/family/personal success)? Based on what I have shared, is there anything else I seem to be doing wrong? Do you think I should I do hard or soft Nun Mode? Please feel free to share any advice or questions! Thanks for reading!