Hello TRP - I've been sent here by one of your members after being dismantled in an unnamed relationship-related subreddit on a throwaway and after reading through threads for hours I am excited to make some changes. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 11 years - we are decidedly child-free and because everyone asks the answer is weddings cost way too much money, she certainly wants one but setting a rule that we have to save what we intend to spend before planning has pushed wedding plans basically indefinitely.

I started the relationship with hearts in my eyes and on my sleeve - moving cross country to be with her escaping a hell of my own teen-aged making we agreed after a week that we were madly in love and there was no point using the return ticket on my flight. Our love - like our sex life - was loud, hot, wet, and messy - we spent all our time together, couldn't get enough of each other - the works. Our libidos were both strong so sex was pretty well guaranteed but she wasn't comfortable with going down on me (didn't really like oral at all so it wasn't even a one way street scenario) - it being my favorite activity for our first few years I sort of worked her into doing it. I didn't manipulate to be clear but she knew what it meant to me, wanted to make me happy, and went from with a condom to only in the shower to only just after a shower to actually going down on me without all the jumping through hoops. It was still very rare maybe once every couple months but fun.

Fast forward about 5-6 years and we're back on my end of the country - we're still young and trying to figure out what we want - she says she' can't do it anymore - I say I'm down to move back to her side but I need a year or so to save and get shit together - she can't wait and moves - long term relationship ensues. During this time where trust was a major factor she lied to me about some trivial thing, I broke up with her, and promptly went down on a friend in a drunken night of self-justified bullshittery. I was honest about what happened with her which was of course a mistake because she then turned around and on 2 separate nights clubbing gave 2 guys drunken head (doesn't even remember one of their names). Within a week we were back together but she kept her acts a secret for about 3 months - as expected they dropped like a bomb, we nearly broke up, but obviously ultimately stayed together. Her 3 month delay on dropping the bomb was pretty damaging and for about 3 years we really had a bipolar relationship - we'd be happy for long stretches because ultimately we're compatible but when the past would come up all shit would break loose. Time heals all wounds though and eventually I realized that what was done was done, and I was only hurting myself reliving what she did.

After making the decision to move forward things actually went quite smoothly - we returned to our regular life as a couple trying to make money and better ourselves. On our 10th anniversary I got us a nice hotel with a view and she returned the favor by becoming my 'blowjob slave' for the night - the best gift I've ever received.

After that though I'm still back down to head maybe once every 2-4 months? Originally when I posted on the other sub I was complaining about wanting more - as frequency has declined I can't help but compare myself to the guys she was with during our break - how she gave them what I basically had to beg and plead my way up to - feeling almost cuckolded by the experience even though technically that's not what happened. Thinking about it more I realize she basically controls our sex life - I ask frequently because I have a higher sex drive and she just shoots me down until she's in the mood or maybe feels guilty about saying no too much if its been a while. Honestly I'm laughing at how pathetic this sounds just reading it. Over the past couple weeks I decided to just stop making advances all together - I've slipped a couple times but it was interesting to see how she reacted. I even went out of my way to do things I used to 'bargain' with like giving her foot massages. In the past I'd often even try to win blowjobs through bets as a playful game. If I asked for a blowjob she'd typically say no but if I did it every couple days or so waiting for a yes she'd usually eventually cave. These type of 'transactional' blowjobs are almost always much worse and shorter though, a waste really.

I love my girlfriend, I know a lot of the above might make things sound weird but we have a great relationship, hang out often, she cooks, she's successful, we're a good team, etc. That said though I feel like I've lost all control of my sex life - stuff with work has been chaotic and not as profitable as in the past so with my self esteem at an all time low I feel like she must be losing respect for me. I want to do what I can to regain control, confidence, and hopefully satisfaction I've been wanting. Additionally I want to help give her what she needs back, I know my lack of confidence isn't appealing and I'd rather give her what she really needs. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.