The Background

  • Me: M, late 50s, single income, in a High Cost of Living (HCOL) area.
  • Marriage: Nearly 30 years of mostly abusive, emotionally toxic hell. The constant raging, screaming, and fighting I initially wrote off as severe PMS, but it's clearly PMDD mixed with likely full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
  • The Kids: 25 (living at home) and 20 (in college). Both are struggling with mental health issues directly stemming from this family trauma and are highly dependent on me right now. Their future career/living stability is completely uncertain.
  • The Problem: She is a classic narcissist—never wrong, never apologizes, absolutely refuses therapy. For the last five years, she's escalated to using silent treatments for any perceived slight, lasting anywhere from days to weeks.

The Breaking Point

The most recent one has been going on for three weeks. The trigger? A misunderstanding she had (because she always jumps to conclusions), and my 25-year-old reminding her of a past abusive action she's forgotten/denies. Instead of dealing with it, she flipped the rage onto me and went instantly silent.

I've always been the peacekeeper, the one to admit my mistakes, but I simply cannot bear this constant emotional manipulation anymore. I'm done.

The Dilemma: Finance & Timing

Here's the brutal reality of divorcing in an HCOL area after a 30-year marriage:

  1. Spousal Support: It seems certain I'd owe her long-term spousal support. I'm prepared to split all assets 50/50, but the combined income split means neither of us will maintain even 25% of our current quality of life.
  2. The Kids: I can rough it out, but I'm terrified of how to support a roof for my two adult kids who desperately need stability and are not yet on their feet due to the trauma and mental health struggles.

My Question to You All:

Do I:

A. Patiently Wait It Out? Suffer through another year or two of this silent, peace-less living arrangement (essentially housemates) to see if my kids can land a solid path and become truly independent before I file.

B. Make the Move Now? Prioritize my own sanity, file immediately, and let the chips fall where they may, knowing the financial disruption and the move will likely cause more immediate suffering for the kids.

If you've navigated an NPD divorce with dependent adult children in a HCOL area, I'd deeply appreciate any insight on the timing and financial realities.

Thoughts on this awful waiting game?