I am taking some time to reflect on the fact that I am also responsible for wasting four years of my life in this misalignment.

I was struggling a bit with letting go even when my body and mind told me something was off. Now, I remind myself everyday that now she is free to be or do whatever she wants and I am too. It is hard to not wonder sometimes if she has moved on, what she’s busy with, who she’s talking to etc. I know we all want a version of our lives where we didn’t get discarded but once it happens, their choices are really not your responsibility and vice versa.

Also, it’s not anyone’s job to parent their partner. In my own marriage, I realize I took on a role of being the responsible one which made me susceptible to manipulation and I got myself into doing work for two people. This mindset only creates frustration and resentment.

I wished for that fantasy version of them that acts responsibly. That’s not them. Maybe there’s someone out there that actually does that in a relationship with me. But I cannot continue hurting myself by trying to parent my partner into what I know that I truly want, not them.

This doesn’t mean that they weren’t irresponsible and harmful but the reason I remained was because I had been trained to manage other people’s dysregulation in pursuit of love. So, even if I met someone back then that doesn’t need all the parenting, I might not have found them attractive.