I (21M) was dating this girl (20F) for about 8 months last academic year and although I’ve been out of the relationship for four months now I’ve only just started to realise everything that was wrong when her and I were together.

Essentially the story is, back in feb her and I were at the student union at our uni and she really enjoyed public sex and would only ever initiate in public. Obviously, as we were in public, she initiated sex and we ended up in the disabled toilets of the union.

From this point I was already uncomfortable and didn’t really want to have sex but I didn’t explicitly say so and I just sorta followed her along. When we started to have sex she was riding me and I really wasn’t enjoying myself and so, as the guy, I tried to speed it up and just get it done and over with. Anyways, towards the end I told her I was about to finish and attempted to get her off of me gently as we weren’t using protection and I didn’t want to finish in her but I remember she slowed down and I noticed that she knew I wanted her off of me but as I tried to lift her off of me I ended up finishing in her (we would always talk about that beforehand if either of us wanted to). I really didn’t want to this time around and felt like I was forced to. I then thought the act was over but she proceeded to continue riding me afyer I felt like I had already made it clear that I didn’t want to continue and I was very obviously not enjoying my time. During this I wasn’t making any noise, and I wasn’t even looking at her as I couldn’t bring myself to. I feel like the no noise or the fact I probably looked distraught was enough for her to see that I did not want to continue.

Afyer a couple of minutes she finishes doing whatever she’s doing and we both get dressed and i left the toulet first. I ended up back in the union sat there watching everyone nearby feeling so ashamed of myself. Throughout the end all I could think was that I was being raped by her and I walked out feeling so disgusting.

I decided to let it go as I really loved her but afyer that a lot of the time when we’d have sex I would feel like she’d completely disregard my boundaries and I kept on having those same thoughts that she was raping me.

All came to a holt a while ago as I was a bit drunk and having a sex dream and begore anything even started I woke up really panicked and all I could think was that my ex raped me. I’ve now been thinking about it all day and I mean it’s helped me not to think about her in a positive light as I genuinely can’t but I also don’t know how I would even become comfortable enough to have sec with someone again.

My friend is quite happy I’m out of that relationship afyer I’ve told him the bad things about it and he hopes for once I can find a genuinely normal loving girl.

Sorry for the long post, was just hoping to get some advice. I never thought I’d be in this position as a guy, a privilege I know, and now that I am I can’t stop thinking about it.

Edit:context there were other times previously where she had broke boundaries of mine (general relationship ones) or had coerced me into sex/ignored me during sex so I already felt like I couldn’t say no to her.