My wife and I are in our late 30’s, together 10 years and married for 5. We also have two toddler-aged kids.

We’ve been separated for the past 2 months. 2025 was our hardest year yet as a couple, with me having been laid off and us parenting and infant and a toddler. That all brought out a new level of toxicity between us — yelling, name-calling, character assaults, false accusations, etc.

There was already a lot of dysfunction and disconnection in the year or so prior, and that’s all rooted in issues I noticed going back to our engagement — I actually suggested we end the engagement twice in the first year post-proposal.

At this point We’ve both contacted lawyers, we’ve both acknowledged that we’d want to pursue mediation if we decide to divorce, and we’ve both been confronting the harsh realities of divorced life.

I’m not sure what to do now. She wants to stay and try couples therapy with a new therapist (we saw the same therapist over the past 6 years). Only a couple weeks ago I was telling my sisters that I felt more confident about this divorce than I did about getting married.

My biggest concern is the impact on my kids and my relationship with them. My boys are my greatest joy and harming them or our connection with each other is a devastating thought. On the other hand, I truly feel like my love for my wife has eroded, and I feel like our dynamic shrinks me down.

These are the issues we have: - constant friction due to significant misalignment in energy levels, temperament, emotional styles, how we manage money, and general hobbies/interests.

  • she doesn’t engage with me or my inner world the way i wish my lifelong partner did. She is often dismissive of my bids for attention and connection.

  • I genuinely do not feel like she is a true partner to me. I know she cares about me, but doesn’t like to collaborate, to share, to work together on things. She either wants to be completely checked out or completely in control.

  • She has a bit of a superiority complex. While I was unemployed, she blew up at me about my anxiety regarding my job search, and pointed out how she doesn’t understand my issues and doesn’t relate to them because she went to private school where everyone was uber confident, taught strong work ethic, etc.

  • we have never been able to maintain any routine in our home; I feel like we live in chaos (and that’s even before the kids came around)

  • She has emotionally manipulated me several times on everything from small to large decisions, some of which have been significant expenses. In the last year alone she has spent over $20,000 on things I initially objected to but eventually caved (a home organizer, furniture we didn’t need, starting her own side business, etc). All of this while she’s carrying student loan debt, while we’re living in a very expensive area, not on track for retirement, etc..

So, I’ve had doubts since before getting married, things were good enough to feel good about getting married, but there’s been a feeling of disconnection and even dislike more often than not. And now this year we have a mountain of toxicity to sort through.

Is there any sense in waiting to start the divorce / mediation process? It felt like I needed to rush to do this two weeks ago after the latest blowout (in front of our kids, no less), but things have settled down a little bit.