Settling: is it really what it seems?

Wife_and_Mama · 2026-01-30T21:14:31+00:00

Read Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb. The title is pretty misleading, but it's a great example of what people really mean by settling. Most women don't "settle." They get over themselves. Women are terrible about dating in a pool that does not exist. They're solid 7s on a good day, but demand a man who's 6' tall, full head of hair, and makes six figures.

A quick Google search will tell you that 14% of American men (with zero accounting for age, marital status, income, faith, etc.) are 6' tall. About 15% - 20% make six figures and the majority are older than 35. These are facts. They're indisputable. If you ask most 20-year-old women to state their demands though, they're completely devoid of reality. They want a Disney prince and he is unquestionably a 10. Acknowledging the dating pool that actually exists is what people are talking about when they encourage settling.

All that said, what you're describing actually is settling, not because this guy isn't tall and rich, but because he's long distance, deeply insecure, doesn't have his career going, and doesn't prioritize his health while he's young and it's arguably easiest. These are reasonable dealbreakers and overlooking them for a man you can't even see on a regular basis isn't advisable. It's your life, though. It's your time to waste if (and when) the gamble doesn't pay off. You don't have to decide who to be with based on outside perception. However, as someone who once settled, I don't recommend it. When you wake up and realize what your life has become, how low you've allowed yourself to be brought, it can feel impossible to pull yourself up and get the life you wanted.

fastfishyfood · 2026-01-30T06:24:22+00:00

I think you’re settling.

If a guy is literally telling you that he doesn’t think he’s good enough for you - believe him. This will be his excuse when life gets hard & he can’t/wont step up.

He is a man. Not a project.

simplyaless · 2026-01-30T03:29:12+00:00

If this is relevant: he has always worked full time (didn't go to school) he hasn't started his long term career yet. I am currently a student getting a degree.

nnnmmmh · 2026-01-30T13:32:03+00:00

What do you mean by “couldn’t face himself”.

Jenneapolis · 2026-01-30T15:25:02+00:00

I will talk about settling in general and then move on to YOUR situation.

Do most women settle? I don't think so. Should more women settle? Yes I think they should. Less women are getting married and having kids then ever before. Books like "Marry Him: the Case for Settling..." are being written to encourage women to be realistic if they want to be married. Most women have standards that are way too high, but in the wrong ways. They set high standards for money and looks but have low standards in terms of what they will accept in terms of behavior, allowing themselves to be in situationships, abusive or neglectful relationships, or put up with other crazy issues. Meanwhile many women expect a lot without being willing to give a lot from their side or look at what they realistically can get on the dating market. The "Yes Queen, you deserve the world" rhetoric has made a lot of women remain single and stay prone to being pumped and dumped by the hot guy.

So are you settling? It seems like it. You are in a long distance relationship first off which is a bad idea unless there are some really strict plans to close the distance in a short time AND this is the almost perfect relationship. In your case, you list he does not have: 1) confidence, 2) career, 3) fitness. These are MAJOR things, not minor things. You are only in your early 20s, you have more options than you realize. Now is the time to not settle and look for the right fit.

He is saying you deserve better not because of some false low confidence but because he knows it is true you can do better. Men also say this when they know they aren't going to commit long term to what you want and need. It's their way of their guilt showing. Believe what men say.

AutoModerator · 2026-01-30T03:27:37+00:00

Title: Settling: is it really what it seems?

Author simplyaless

Full text: I see this rhetoric online that most women settle. I assume what they mean is that they settle on looks, money, and maaaaybe personality? But more so money and looks.

I don't know if I necessarily believe this, but I started questioning my own relationship.

I'm early 20s F and my BF is mid 20s. Both believe in God. My situation isn't easy (my bf is long distance and still trying to get his career started) but I don't want to leave him. You know how there's this rhetoric of a tall, rich man with status? that's not how my bf is and I am not complaining about that.

We also have had some communication issues because of his insecurities and fear of rejection. He almost tried to leave a few times because he said he couldn't face himself. There was a lot of conflicts we've had but it is getting better. If I could change 2 things about him I'd say: I want him to be more confident as it would avoid a lot of our issues, and maybe to get started on his career and focus on his health fitness goals too.

Maybe I'm part of the "minority" that doesn't feel like she's really settling.. he used to stay at the beginning that I deserve better and I feel like deep down he thinks I'm settling for him or that someone else better is out there for me (also based on his precious words) This mostly stems from his shame and insecurity. He also notices I'm not super confident.

What do you guys think about this topic?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2026-01-30T03:27:37+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page. Include any relevant context regarding religion, culture, living arrangements/LDRs, or other information that will help commenters.
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disappear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.
Within the last year, RedPillWomen has had over half a dozen 'Banned from 'x' subreddit' post for commenting/subscribing to RPW. Moving forwards, the mods will remove these types of posts: 1, 2, 3, 4. We recommend you make a RPW specific account.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	Settling: is it really what it seems?
Author	simplyaless
Upvotes	2
Comments	13
Date	January 30, 2026 3:27 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1qqu8wd/settling_is_it_really_what_it_seems/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/settling-is-it-really-what-it-seems.1572289 https://theredarchive.com/post/1572289

Comments