I'm not much of a poster but after lurking for years I figured writing out some of my thoughts her would be somewhat therapeutic.

In the spring of 2023 I was finishing my last semester of night classes to get my computer science degree. I was at the tail end of three straining years of working full time, raising two small kids, studying and taking CS classes at night, and trying to stay connected to a wife who was struggling with some heavy mental health challenges.

In the last month of classes she approached me and asked for an open marriage. We had recently been connecting more and had been much more intimate and my anxious attachment was in full swing. I hesitantly agreed to the arrangement and almost immediately went into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I couldn't get rid of this constant knot of despair in my stomach. Over the course of the next few weeks I found all the evidence of an ongoing affair. I kept finding something new and confronted her but the lies just kept coming. For months I would catch her in a lie about something. But my anxious attachment kept me from even considering the possibility for divorce. I had to fix it. I had to save our marriage and our family.

Fast forward a year, and when the year anniversary of the affair and the lies was fast approaching I realized that I did not trust this woman. The work we had put in over the course of the year did not bring back the trust. It did not help that she didn't have a single accountable bone in her body. I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage too. Early on I was dishonest about some things and I feel like I really set the tone going forward from that. I did not support her through her mental health challenges like she needed me to.

Summer of 2024 we decided to divorce. We worked all summer to finalize the divorce on our own without the involvement of lawyers. We put in the work to get the house ready to sell. I loved that house. I loved working out on that lawn and raising my children there. I loved the interest rate. It was incredibly painful to let go of it but necessary  because our debt situation had become unsustainable despite my pleas to her that we needed to make some big changes.

Fast forward six months after we separated. It was clear that we missed each other and still cared for each other. Maybe the more honest reason is we missed the familiarity of our 11 year marriage and we both were struggling to go through life alone. We began sleeping with each other again for a short time before we called that off. It didn't last long. In the summer of 2025 I couldn't get her out of my head and I asked that we start dating again.

We dated through that summer and as fall approached I began to withdraw emotionally. I couldn't just set aside what happened concerning the affair and financial infidelities that happened during our marriage. The fact that she was still defensive and not willing to listen to how I felt about those things without trying to put her own issues front and center was too hard for me to overcome. That conversation finally happened and things officially ended in October 2025.

I was desperate to really close the door on us and move on. I thought swiping on the apps might be a good distraction. I never really had much success on them anyway so I figured it was harmless. Very quickly I met a single mom who I was excited about. We began dating exclusively and I thought I was really starting a new chapter in my life.

A month into the relationship my ex-wife caught wind that I was dating somebody. On her birthday she begged me to get back with her. She started saying all the things I had been wanting to hear for the past two years. I stayed loyal to my new girlfriend and said no but it activated an insane amount of grief in me. I realized I had not done the personal work to let go of  her and now I couldn't show up emotionally in my new relationship. Less than a week after that gut wrenching conversation she called me up to let me know that actually she had started dating somebody else. Pretty quick turnaround if you ask me.

Over the next few weeks it became painfully clear that something felt really off with this girl I was dating. The constant anxiety and withdrawal I was experiencing in the relationship told me it was time to end it. That was incredibly unfair to her. She did absolutely nothing wrong and my lack of personal growth led to a break up and me hurting her deeply.

Shortly after the dust settled on that relationship my ex wife reached out to let me know she was going to introduce her new boyfriend to our kids. She had only known this guy for a month and so I pushed back on the idea. I encouraged her to spend more time to make sure she was serious about this guy before bringing the kids into her situation. She was quick to tell me that things were actually very serious with her new boyfriend. She had already met his family and he was meeting her family on the weekend she wanted to introduce the kids. Of course she went ahead and introduced them.

What I wasn't counting on was the news of her being serious with somebody else would send me spiraling. All of a sudden I was transformed back to the guy stuck in an open relationship almost three years ago. The same knot in my stomach. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. I was in hell. I couldn't stop thinking about my ex who I had never stopped loving for 12 years being with somebody else. I wanted her back so bad.

But I kept my breakup with my girlfriend and my feelings to myself for about a month. In the meantime she took every opportunity to tell me how great things were going in her new relationship. I knew the dynamic of our relationship needed to change so that I could start doing the real work of letting her go, closing the door on us for good, and discovering who I am outside of our relationship.

I went through so many drafts of the things I wanted to say to her. I wanted to tell her how I feel, the pain I was going through, and the boundaries I needed to set so that I could heal and move on. I needed to stop hearing about her new boyfriend and I needed to make it clear that I wasn't ready to meet him or be around him yet. I even had a list of things I wanted to take accountability for and apologize for that happened during our marriage and while we were dating post-divorce.

Here dad was visiting from outside the country so I figured I would sit her down and have that discussion sometime this weekend after he went back. His last night in town this past Wednesday my kids had dinner at my ex's place to say goodbye even though it was my night with them. She dropped them off late Wednesday night. My two kids rang the doorbell and as I opened the door I see my ex and her new boyfriend turning the corner and walking towards me holding hands. My heart sank. She completely blindsided me with absolutely no heads up that I was going to be meeting this guy tonight in front of my kids at my front door. I was livid.

I let myself cool off overnight and sent a respectful but strongly worded text to her the next day. I said blindsiding like that was incredibly insensitive. I explained that I had not been transparent about my emotions and feelings for her the last couple of months but I've been going through an immense amount of pain trying to let her go and move forward with my life.

You might be able to guess how she reacted to that. She threw out "I'm sorry you feel like I blindsided you". I hate those type of apologies. It's worse than getting no apology at all. Once again she showed no accountability or empathy for the situation. Regarding the boundaries that I wanted to set she made it clear she wouldn't inconvenience her life to keep her boyfriend from being around me.

She lashed out at me the other day when I set a few more reasonable boundaries to untether myself from her life and protect my peace. It was difficult, but I had the realization that her emotions are not for me to manage anymore. How she feels about my boundaries have no bearing on if they are right or not for my life and what I need to heal. I still feel so terrible but today I'm starting to feel like its the first day of the rest of my life. Spring is fast approaching and what better time for new beginnings.

I still have a lot to figure out but I'm taking the right steps. I'm in therapy. I've started going to the gym more consistently and eating in a more healthy way. I haven't had any alcohol in two weeks. I'm done trying to numb the pain and I'm starting to let life and my emotions live through me. I've been dabbling in stoicism and using mindfulness as a tool to process my emotions and learn how to deal with them.

I want to be happy and free of her. I want her to be happy at the end of the day. I want our kids to be happy and they will be my focus for the time being. They have been incredibly resilient through everything and they know that I will always be there dad and I will have their backs.