Sorry for book report vent…

I have been married for 18 years. My wife and I dated for about 1.5 and moved in with each other for about half that time. I was not aware she had pretty severe depression until after we were married. I couldn’t understand the change in behavior- distant, not wanting to do anything etc. I’ve always had some resentments about this because I was never given a choice in deciding to be with someone that had depression.

Our marriage has been full of ups and a lot of downs. I’m a social person who likes to go out to dinner/ be around friends etc. my wife is complete opposite and would rather lay in bed and read a book. She has gotten treatment and did an outpatient clinic around covid when she was laid off and her condition took a real bad turn. I had to push her with threat of “I can’t do this anymore and it’s not fair if you’re not going to try but I’m expected to deal with situation. There were lots of manic type moments with extreme ups and then horrible downs of crying, anger etc.

I am far from perfect and have admitted that over the years I’ve become numb. I can get angry when I work long hours all week only to come home on Fridays to have weekend of dark clouds. It’s depressing for me and I’ve found myself doing whatever I can to avoid it. Which is not fair to her either.

At this point we have become roommates. We barely talk, and she spends most of her time in our guest room that she has turned into her room. We haven’t slept in same bed for almost 3 years and haven’t had sex in 2.5. We’re just floating and I feel I have to stay because she can’t support herself financially or emotionally. We don’t fight. We just exist and both of us know it. We talked recently and I said I’m tired and I don’t want to keep “working” to try and fix this and then it goes back to same thing. I know I should leave and “put my oxygen mask on”. But I’m scared for her, scared for me financially. I even said “maybe this is what it is and we just know it’s a partnership. Her parents will leave her with a lot of financial support when they pass, but in meantime she needs my insurance for her meds. I just don’t think I can do this for another 20 years…