I actually thought I was handling our separation well. After the first few days of shock, I really just had a big sigh of relief when she left the house and took the kids that our toxic dynamic was done, that we were no longer bringing out the worst in each other. And for the time since then it seemed like I was positive for the future, was working on myself, going to the gym, seeing friends and doing therapy.

It's been almost three months now and just starting to realize now that it's still early days. Our mediation efforts have broken down, we are starting to get lawyers involved and seems quite likely we could end up in court.

Now I realize what was keeping me going was the small hope that if I just perservered and worked on things that perhaps we could reconcile at the end of it. That essentially I've just been in a state of denial and now I see it's going to get so much worse and I no longer have the salve of reconciliation to keep me going.

Don't think I even really want my wife back if I'm being honest, I guess I was just attached to way things used to be. What I really want is to have my family back, for my kids to have a functional family. Now I see that will never be the case and it hurts.