I was in the process of gathering up all my roofies for a night of fun...and something happened. Somebody told me that rape was wrong.

This shocked me to my core. Since when was rape wrong? Nobody ever told me that. I went my entire life thinking that rape was a good, moral thing to do, and that it was the woman's fault if I drugged her and then shoved my penis in her vagina while she was unconscious. Or if I tied her up and held her down while she screamed things like, "stop," "help," and "no" as I thrust my penis in her bone dry vagina until the skin tore on my penis. Society always taught me it was her fault for wearing skimpy outfits, and every time the police arrested me as a suspect in a rape case, the first question they asked me is what she was wearing. I always got off by saying, "she was wearing a short skirt, bro. I'm just a man, I have needs, I can't help myself, ya know?" The patriarchal cops would all laugh, and they'd pat me on the back and say, "good work, brah." Then I was free to go rape again.

This was on the rare instances in which the woman actually reported the rape. Only about 1% of the time was I reported - all the other thousands of rapes I committed went unreported, because the woman was too scarred to come forward in our patriarchal society. And why wouldn't she be? The male police who make 10 times more money than any female police officer just believed my side of the story and let me go, and then the accuser was harassed.

I committed most of my rapes at night on random women walking to their car. They had no idea who I was and, well, that's what women get for walking alone at night. They should know the danger of walking alone without mace, pepper spray, a rape whistle, or a trustworthy non-creepy male named "Matt," with tattoos and a sexy, muscular physique. I would never rape a woman walking with a man, because I respected men more than women.

Other times, I would walk into a bar and act creepy to women. Many women, with their superb ability to sense my creepiness, would go, "ew," and call me a "creep," and this prevented me from raping them. But on the occasions in which a woman was unable to call me "creepy" fast enough after my creepy stare or creepy approach and awkwardness, I was able to successfully rape her.

Successfully raping a girl or woman from a bar takes skill. Much like those patriarchal pickup artists, we have our own protocol.

The steps to successfully raping a woman in bars (and getting away with it) are as follows:

  1. Look creepy

  2. Act awkward around her

  3. Either slip her a roofie and drag her unconscious body out of the bar and to a private place and rape her, or hold her down while everyone is watching and shove your penis inside. The other men won't do anything - they are all part of rape culture and will support you 100%.

  4. Pull your torn up penis out of her vagina

  5. If the police contact you, tell them, "she was askin' for it," and they'll let you off with a pat on the back.

But all of that is no longer valid for me, because I have changed my ways. Thanks to #YesAllWomen on twitter, I have seen the light. I have been educated about the cruelty of rape, and I now feel bad for it and will MAN UP and take responsibility for my actions. No more mansplaining and contributing the rape culture for me.

I used to believe that men were better than women, because nobody ever taught me that that's false. When I turned 13, my father pulled me aside and said, "son, pretty soon you're gonna be interested in girls. Here's the one thing you need to know. If a woman says 'no,' it means, 'hold me down against my will and shove your throbbing cock inside me while I scream and cry for help.' Or it might mean either waiting until she's unconscious from all the booze she drank and then fucking her, or slipping something in her drink to help her pass out and then fucking her. She won't be saying 'no' then, so you can use that as your defense in court. It'll hold up, trust me."

Daddy was right. I can not even begin to tell you the number of times I told the cops, "well, she didn't actually SAY, 'no.' She was passed out, and I just could tell she wanted it." The cops were like, "cool," and I went on my way.

My Dad was a victim of the patriarchy. His father had taught him that abusing women physically and sexually was cool, and his father's father had taught him the same. It was a large scale conspiracy on the part of men to hold women down and rape them, both literally and figuratively.

They were never taught what I know now.

What I know now is that men and women are equal, except for the fact that men are to blame for women being oppressed because they are pigs who go around raping women and oppressing them in every aspect of life.

And this was all possible thanks to #YesAllWomen. It was time for women to take a stand and educate us ignorant men about the horrors of being a woman from the confines of their iphone 723 via twitter. As Rihanna and Pink songs played in the background as they sipped their green tea, one by one, they shared their powerful stories of abuse. Stories of being cat called by creepy men from their cars. Stories of being honked at by creepy men as they crossed the street with their girlfriends. Stories of being asked if they were gay by creepy men when they said, "ew, like, no" when the creepy guy tried to run some game on them. One by one, they let us know that rape is bad and wrong, and that we needed to stop doing it, because it was bad and wrong.

I also learned to stop objectifying them. Women are so much more than just a pair of tits and an ass. They have hips and legs, too. Just kidding.

I'm here to tell you creepy misogynists to stop being creepy misogynists. It's bad and it's wrong. Those tits and asses and hips and legs aren't for YOU. You have no right to look at a woman's body, she is a HUMAN BEING. She has hopes and dreams and aspirations. She has a brain, for goodness sake. Think about that the next time you masturbate. Stop objectifying women by watching pornography, and start pleasuring yourself to women as HUMAN BEINGS.

Think of the kindness. Think of the caring. Think of the intelligence. It doesn't matter what she looks like, love is BLIND. If you are lucky enough for her to consent to engaging in sexual activities with you, she could be a man for all you care, show her some damn respect and think of her as a PERSON while you are making love to her.

And last but not least: Don't be creepy.