Do you forgive?

xdesol8x · 2016-03-21T06:24:34+00:00

It's entirely situational and depends on how it effects you. If it's something you are going to dwell on then by all means forgive and move on with your life. There's more important things in life than dwelling on the past.

Never ever forget though.

ManliestDwarf · 2016-03-21T06:30:20+00:00

Stoic philosophy may have your answers, read some Marcus Aurelius and Seneca.

The idea is that you should expect all potential outcomes from people and therefore not be shocked when one of them takes place.

Lets say you lend a friend money, He will pay it back or he won't. Don't lend the money unless you account for both outcomes. Since you won't be surprised by either outcome you can act without emotion and make a rational decision.

Lets say he doesn't return the money, well then you know he's not trustworthy and that's valuable, he also probably feels some measure of guilt or resentment toward you because he now owes you money.

From there you would take the most rational approach. Do you still need things from this friend? Keep him around but be mindful not to give him anything.

Is this friend completely useless to you? No need to make enemies when there is no cause, act like its not a big deal and be armed with the knowledge that he's untrustworthy and he feels indebted to you.

If people are bad mouthing you to strangers, you handled the situation wrong because not only have they done you wrong but now they are negatively affecting your relationship with others.

tl'dr: Forgive when it is beneficial to do so, don't exclude this valuable tool for the sake of a 'moral high-ground' or some kind of egotistical stance.

machimus · 2016-03-21T07:34:08+00:00

In my experience, holding a grudge is a waste of energy. It's almost never productive. If someone wrongs me, I feel very neutral about them, except for being careful not to let myself be in a vulnerable position with them in the future. I do sometimes feel temporary anger, which I try to let go as soon as possible. It clouds my judgment.

If it's someone else trying to get me to forgive them, fine, I'll tell them so they'll get out of my hair about it. But it's an irrelevant gesture to me because I don't hold grudges as a matter of personal policy, and also because it doesn't mean I'll be trusting them the same in the future if I did forgive them.

TheStumblingWolf · 2016-03-21T10:25:05+00:00

For me forgiveness is irrelevant most of the time. For people from my past I view them as I would an animal. They acted according to their instincts and their world view. It's in the past and I cannot change it. I can only learn from it.

If people in my life now do something that might need forgiving I try to do the same. If I see them regularly I avoid them as much as possible. I just sort of black label them as they've demonstrated they might contribute negatively to my life. It requires no forgiveness because they're just...irrelevant.

PorkNails · 2016-03-21T10:44:42+00:00

Today we are friends, tomorrow we may be enemies. Understand, let go, don't forget. They can be useful in the future and now you know what you can expect of them.

PantsonFire1234 · 2016-03-21T11:36:13+00:00

Never forgive unless it was your fault to begin with. If they try to weasel their way back into your life it's only to cause more drama and chaos- because that's what they do. Trick them close while setting up a trap. Then punish them hard and leave them broken. Rule of power, destroy your enemy completely.

Clint_Redwood · 2016-03-21T13:23:36+00:00

Be real with them, be a man about it, no bullshit.

"I admire your courage to face up to the fucked up shit you did. But, our relationship will forever be damaged."

People are just looking to calm their emotional waters. Give them the calming but let them know you aren't going to be fucking walked on. Depending on the severity you can throw in some more push/pull like,

"I forgive you but don't ever ask me to help you.

"I understand why you did what you did but you still did it. It will forever effect our relationship"

Basically they want you to understand them, you can then use that to make them understand how you will never trust them, like them etc.

IF they are looking for closer, give it to them in real talk. If they are not a little bitch they'll accept it. If you get social blowback from others just be real with them too. "I addressed _____ and I's issues, I gave him his peace but told him our relationship is forever damaged because of his actions."

Obviously I'm speaking very vague as i have no idea the context, you can personalize my advice to suit the situation at hand.

More often than not, you will be highly respected for being understanding but steadfast in yourself.

50pluspiller · 2016-03-21T07:36:52+00:00

Always forgive, never forget.

60 seconds of anger is a minute of happiness wasted.

Title	Do you forgive?
Author	alpha-secretase
Upvotes	5
Comments	17
Date	March 21, 2016 6:04 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4bb642/do_you_forgive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/do-you-forgive.162303 https://theredarchive.com/post/162303

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