Learning to stand up for yourself

throwaway6ixside · 2020-09-01T11:35:32+00:00

Practice eye contZct first you need that. 98 percent of people can’t hold eye contact. Start witb that , good posture, and gym. Work on your tone of voice too.

Metalgear222 · 2020-09-01T14:33:25+00:00

First, those dudes that are throwing you under the bus instead of building you up, aren’t worth your time in the first place. If you’re a genuine cool dude, you ain’t got time for that.

Second, earning respect is much more likely due to your frame and self-esteem than it is the behavior of the person you’re with. Be righteous in yourself and what you have to offer others (that no one else can do it exactly like you can), and if you don’t have anything to offer like that, then work on evolving.

Third, don’t put on another mask. People can sense incongruence. Don’t play happy. Don’t speak just to not look like a wallflower, speak when you have something to say. This doesn’t excuse you from needing to have a genuine desire to get to know others (Read: asking questions about their interests to get to know them)

Also, don’t mate guard. It will make you look supremely insecure to girls. Was she flexible and was it actually impressive? Then him commenting that is fine. Would you be upset if a girl commented how strong you were in front of your LTR when you powered through a move easily that she couldn’t stick?

grilledcheesaroo · 2020-09-01T15:20:13+00:00

My advice to you is to treat your good side like how some women treat sex: only allow it to certain people. You probably try to come off as too nice and kind because your Boomer parents taught you to be polite. This is wrong, and stupid, and you should stop.

Be funny but don't take shit from people, always assume ill intent until proven otherwise and you should be fine.

PS: Also, lift. I can tell that you're not buff. This is how men treat men who they think are weak; aka you don't lift enough. Men don't lift for women. Although it is a good bonus, lifting makes other men treat you better.

I was rock climbing with my ltr at the time and this guy I called my friend at the time. They had barely met and he complimented her for being so flexible infront of me.

He didn't do this right then. He probably had a while to decide that his final assessment reads how you're a weak bitch. I say this as someone who wished that someone like me said this to me when I was younger (below 18).

youtrain6969 · 2020-09-01T14:43:57+00:00

I've had this same struggle before too. It can feel like everyone is against you the way so many people might try to shit on you or disrespect you. Here's a few of my thoughts on this:

1.) You have to first really understand the importance of standing up for yourself and making boundaries clear. You owe it to yourself and the people you care about to do so, since they also need you to be strong for them.

2.) It's shocking how effective a proper clap back can be. Most people who are dishing out shit can't take any in return. I've had scenarios where someone tried making fun of me, I had a clever response back at them that made the people around us laugh, and they literally never tried coming at me again.

3.) Try to build up your confidence more. If you're giving in to other peoples jokes about you (I'm assuming you're not responding like you would a shit test with A&A or any of that), then subconsciously you either believe what they're saying to an extent or don't think you're of enough value to say anything back

Also, if I were in your shoes with the friend making the flexible comment, I would've just responded, "Yea she is pretty flexible. Makes things a lot more fun ;)."

Snowboard18 · 2020-09-01T15:52:07+00:00

Watch stand up comedy. Watching comics roast people and make jokes making fun of people has taught me how to jab back when guys do this.

Before, I just wouldn’t know what exactly to say in the moment, but watching standup has made my brain much quicker to come up with comebacks to this type of thing and when girls shit test you.

You also need to fight the underlying confidence issue. Lift and I’d also try some type of martial art.

RedEyeBlackEye1 · 2020-09-01T18:55:42+00:00

[deleted]

TwoGunsTimmy · 2020-09-01T15:58:41+00:00

“I usually don’t try to dominate others since I hate it when it happens to me.”

Shouldn’t you dominate another man if he’s put himself in contest with you?

You’re not obligated to lowering yourself on behalf of others. If you’re letting yourself be a punching bag for abusers by default, you’ve probably got a warped self-image and carry a lot of shame.

Standing up for yourself isn’t about what you say or hold you carry yourself exclusively. Its rooted in a positive self-image; one where you see yourself as deserving respect.

An effective way to overcome this is to practice being okay with dominating those you’re at odds with. Allow yourself to feel anger rather than shame when it happens and channel it responsibly.

Roto2esdios · 2020-09-01T13:25:25+00:00

Anyone who does not respect you is NOT your friend.

If someone is disrespectful and it's close to me I tolerate some shit depending on the offense but if they continue they are out. Normally you don't lose somebody important.

I work in a hospital and some patients are very rude. I tolerate no offense because they always repeat and escalate. Bosses are different but as friends depending on what they say and how do they say I will reply.

It's just finding the equilibrium.

YamoTime · 2020-09-01T16:21:44+00:00

I’d recommend reading this:

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/illimitablemen.com/2014/12/14/the-shit-test-encyclopedia/amp/

It goes into the reasons why people shit test. You might not think this way but there are people out there who don’t care if you don’t like being dominated they will attempt to do so if they believe they can for various reasons. I have a similar issue due to social skills that I’m working on.

People will test you to see who you are, that’s how most operate, and ascertain where you are in the dominance hierarchy. I lifted a little which got some comments and respect from men, respect from men gets you some attention from girls. This happens in most social situations if there are no repercussions when this happens it will continue, you may believe you are being nice but you have to set boundaries.

Indiana2LA · 2020-09-02T00:28:20+00:00

There's no magic bullet. It's going to take trying to stand up for yourself and probably looking stupid doing so for a while. That demeanor or attitude you're looking to develop will only come when you've failed and felt like crap trying to do so over and over to the point where you truly don't care. That's when you'll notice a different reaction from people. It's a long, sometimes difficult road, but it's worth it.

onenightstanduhoes · 2020-09-01T13:06:16+00:00

I would guess tonality, there is good videos that cover the topic on YouTube

i-am-the-prize · 2020-09-01T16:07:57+00:00

read NMMNG and WISNIFG asap.

you sound too agreeable and conflict averse.

fromfocomofo · 2020-09-01T18:52:22+00:00

I REALLY like your idea of getting into martial arts. I've been doing mma for over 2 years now it has helped me in a million different ways. I'm at a new level mentally, especially the confidence. Before, whenever I wanted to call someone out, part of me was afraid of the possible physical confrontation it could start. Even though that kind of outcome is usually not the case, being 5'5" made me not chance it a lot of the time. After sparring and grappling with dudes who are 6'3" and literally twice my size, I show no hesitation in being a little mean to someone who is a little mean to me. What the fuck are they gonna do? It's also helped me be more technical in verbal combat. I feel 0 need to prove how tough I am which lets me focus on better articulating myself. Last month at work this dude with neck and hand tattoos was making my job difficult. I refused to let him belittle me and I almost got into a fight cause I called him out on his shitty attitude... I'm at the point where I gotta start biting my tongue for fear of losing my job or going to jail for defending myself lol. Never thought I'd have the balls for this but now it comes naturally.

RedEyeBlackEye1 · 2020-09-01T21:42:07+00:00

Ppl will tell you all kinds of bullshit.

Honest answer...It's a fine line.

A) Sometimes EGO will make you THINK that someone is being over the line when really they have NO IDEA they are even offending you.Other times it will be clear to you that NOT ONLY ARE THEY OUT OF POCKET but that THEY ARE AWARE OF THIS AND dgaf how you feel(trying to punk you).

B)you have to have a "beast mode" switch. Once that switch is clicked you will either

1)give them a piece of your mind

Or

2) reply with a snide condescending remark so it's no doubt about it that you aren't a punk about yours.

Now after either of these responses, the dude .ay either back down or WANT TO GET PHYSICAL. If you are Physically weak and have no fight training you're fucked. Lifting(or calisthenics),boxing ,AND kempo(or krav maga or bjj) would give you the ability to DESTROY 80 - 90% of guys up to 50lbs+ your size as long as they don't have a knife or gun.

C) The hardest part is deciphering WHEN it's ego fooling you and WHEN the fucker is straight up trying to bitch you.

You really have to be born with the beast mode switch or grow up in a rough environment (me). You might be better off friendless,learn to enjoy your own company,and the companionship of your girl(while it's STILL your turn).

Good luck

Tambamwham · 2020-09-01T18:38:00+00:00

https://youtu.be/ovbwSbijRwM

This is how you handle it

killerj666 · 2020-09-01T13:09:53+00:00

Maybe consider spelling boundaries for starters. How are you supposed to enforce something you don’t even know how to spell, let alone define?

vandaalen · 2020-09-01T11:20:17+00:00

Train MMA

loliamsobroke · 2020-09-01T19:16:56+00:00

She’s flexible? Oh I know all about it with a wink while looking at your girl.

Title	Learning to stand up for yourself
Author	throwawayu4321
Upvotes	52
Comments	28
Date	September 1, 2020 10:36 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/ikhwm7/learning_to_stand_up_for_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/learning-to-stand-up-for-yourself.172997 https://theredarchive.com/post/172997

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