After searching the web for anything that can help my case I have decided that this is a good a place as any to receive the help I need. I am fairly new to TRP but I think I have a decent enough grasp on things to make a well thought out post without making a fool of myself. I considered not including this next bit of information in fear of being dismissed out of hand, but decided that it was important. I am also fairly new to life; I am only a sophomore in High School. I hope that you continue to read—I truly need all the help I can get—and don't just come to the assumption that I'm being an over dramatic hormone-induced teenager. I don't believe I have ever been the former and can say without a doubt that

I am certainly the latter. However, from what I have gathered thus far, TRP can have a positive role and impact with anyone willing to listen. 

I am not quite sure how to order my thoughts from here on out so I will just describe by current position as the words come to me. I apologize in advance if I start to ramble (I wrote this at 1 am on my laptop in word).

  • I was born and raised in the Pacific NW in the USA under a Christian household (I'm not here to start a flame war about the aspects of religion so if you have a comment of that nature please keep it to yourself). My parents have a happy marriage of about 23 consecutive years. I have one younger brother. I live in a very rural "Neighborhood" and couldn't tell you the names of three people who live within walking distance. Being Christian, I was sent to a private K-8 school with a class about 20 people strong (on average) and about 75% female. The class population dwindled down to about 14 kids by the end, and I talked to and trusted them more than anyone else. That 75% grew to ~85% giving me a small group of guys who I felt more comfortable around than my own brother (He and I have compatibility issues that should be expected when forced to share a fucking bunk bed for 11 years with ANYONE, but that’s a tangent). This group managed to carry over and persist thus far in high school where circles of friends expanded and morphed. During K-8 almost no relationships happened. Everyone was too busy being tweens and had no methods of carrying on anything beyond holding hands and trying to kiss when the teachers had a lapse in attention. I acted and felt normal during the whole thing. If you told me what would happen I would've laughed in your face and walked away without a second glance. I was almost part of those few "relationships". Me and this other girl would've been a thing if either of us had talked about it for five seconds, but that never happened. The issues came up as soon as I walked into the public HS where I go currently. It turns out I'm a massive introvert. So why didn't this ever come up during middle school? I have come to realize that the trust I developed for those few kept any and all social walls I was building down while I talked to them. So I walk into a school with 2000 students, and a class 25 times larger than anything I had ever had to deal with, and the walls preventing me from acting like myself, or with much of a personality in general, shoot up. This obviously creates an issue. Before High School I can’t remember ever showing any signs of being beta or possessing any common beta mentalities. So, I'm alpha from what I can tell but the introverted part of me forces me to come off as such until I really get to know someone, after which I act natural, and anyone who gets to that point agrees that I'm great fun to be around. I realize I need to clarify something: I don't just go mute. I retain the ability to communicate, but things like idle chat are out of the question. I talk when I have something I deem important to the task at hand. Another thing: my current life could be summed up with a look at my transcript. I have no social life outside of school. I used to play soccer quite a bit but my inhibition extends to such areas.

    Well, what have I gathered from this? What caused this?

  • My father plays an active role in my life, reducing the lack of his presence as a cause. However, this isolated upbringing causes problems. Growing up I never saw anyone date and it wasn’t explained to me; I never learned how to ask a girl out, what dating involves, the actual weight behind having a girlfriend. I was always told "The purpose of dating is to find out if you could marry X person.". This is almost definitely a result of our religion and how my parents were raised (Comments about the former and its effects on people are welcome). All this leads to me never experimenting, never trying or taking risks. By the time I wanted to be in a relationship I was well into puberty and had to deal with riding the emotional roller coaster on top of everything else. In addition, my social interaction was limited explicitly to those I was already open to and the rate at which people were added to that group was so miniscule it may as well not have existed.

-TRP emphasizes that relationships are an exchange. The man's goal is ultimately sex and a woman's protection and sustenance (More recently those have shifted to attention, thanks to the gov't). So what can I offer here in my situation? I don't have a job and thus can’t provide the latter. I get really decent grades (Straight A's last semester and a 3.85 weighted GPA overall) but I'm not exactly sure how much that counts for. All I really have to give is myself and that isn't a hole lot. I’m not super ugly or morbidly obese, but if I had to rate myself I would probably give a 6. Nothing to cause comment. About that, I cannot recall a single conversation where someone commented on my appearance. I was never told I was fat, short, ugly, cute, strong, fast. I was never told that I looked good in X clothes or that I really shouldn't wear X shirt with X pants because that looked dumb. I don’t know my own value in these areas. I know I’m smart—I was told that plenty of times – but few clues if girls would want me if I acted differently.

  • I no longer have an output for emotions or physical energy. Playing soccer and having a PE class used to take care of the latter, but I no longer spend enough time or feel comfortable enough around anyone to be able to talk about the things I’m going through. The only reason I can write all this down here is that I don’t know a single one of you and don’t have to see any of you on a regular basis. This is slightly amusing though because it is the reason behind me finding this subreddit. To explain, I basically realized I was screwed within the first month of freshman year and decided that I would avoid developing feelings approaching love for any girl. I guessed that if I did I wouldn’t be able to make myself try anything to further things with the person and I would end up just hating myself for it. This worked up until recently. I got pissed, looked for an output, and stumbled onto TRP. I’m thankful for that in a way. In any case, I do recognize this as a crush and not “true love” or whatever the books and movies would have you believe. Hopefully it ends soon and I can go back to some level of emotional equilibrium.

    What do I think I can do about it?

  • Well, I figure by the time I hit college I will have a job, a car, and I will no longer live with my parents. I will be able to do things like join a gym, go out to social events of my choice, and generally do my part in a relationship. And I feel this has importance as well: I will have a fresh start. I probably have a reputation of being a very introverted person, focused on school. I feel like I will have more variety and more options to pursue, but as to what I can do now I have few ideas.

Well, if you have reached this point I thank you for reading. Word is telling me that I am probably going to hit 1600 words by the end, with a total of about 8400 characters. Anyway, this is my problem. All help is welcome and appreciated. I do hope this is taken seriously though as its taken a good while to write. If you have any questions or need more information just ask and I’ll try and provide it. Thank you again for your time.

TL;DR – Due to how I was raised, I have no fucking clue how to initiate a relationship or keep any relationship below marriage going. I don’t know what tools I have (If I have any) to make myself or my situation better.