First FR. 50 yrs old. Married 26 years. 4 kids, two in house. Referred here from DB. Started reading in nov 17. Last 1RM were over a month ago. Some gains since then, I’m sure. 265 BS, 165 BP, 295 DL, 125 OHP. 20% BF. Body weight 193 lbs. 5’10”. Did Crossfit for 3 years prior to MRP. Quit June 2017 due to shoulder. Started lifting dec 2017. First pass along side bar reading I was skeptical. I got some immediate positive feedback after MMSLP from SAHM which was awesome, but that faded over 4-6 weeks. Didn’t get much from the rest. Started on DL 4/5. I was wearing suits 5-10 years old as I was being frugal. Feels so good to know you look sharp. (Gone back to 1-5 equally now, heavy on 4 over the winter as I’ve been trying to figure shit out). MAP It’s taken me until the last couple months to have some clarity. I’ve realized how dis-attached I’ve become from really knowing what I want from life. Going into MRP I knew I was unhappy and maybe clinically depressed. 20 years of burying that in alcohol, pain meds, tobacco(chew), porn, idle reading, and negative thoughts. In November I let my family know I’ve been a closet chewer for their whole lives, and started a nicotine, non-tobacco program. I haven’t started to cut that. That attachment runs really deep. In the wake of these last few months and blank slating the MAP I’ve come up with a 4 core objectives to work on. I’m confident I’ll know more the further I climb. They are:

  1. Be in really good shape physically. Just logged in at 193 lbs. down from 204 end of the year. Lift 3x week, Yoga 2x week. Goal of 185 by summer, and 180 by September
  2. Financially secure. More $ coming in than out. Need to sell 90-100 ac of property and raise cash.
  3. Live in a clean/decluttered home with ideally NO pets (wife collects things, hates to throw things away. Goes through garbage to see what the rest of us have been disposing. 3 cats and 1 dog in house now. Indoor animals).
  4. Do some fun shit. Would be nice to do with Spouse/ family, but can do on my own as well. SIDEBAR Been coming back to it. There is a lot more depth as I’ve realized how much of a blue-pill pussy I’ve been all my life. Always prided myself on listening to others, developing a common theme, and forging a path after taking everyone’s opinion to mind. Like the town mayor. Still only finding about 20 min a day to work on sidebar. I’ve always been confident, and while basically an introvert I make conversation well, and have no trouble starting a conversation or approaching strangers. I make a significant income for the demographic, own my own business, community volunteer, top of my social cliques. It’s been humbling to see how deceived I’ve let myself become. That guy was the premiere of the blue-pillers, but thought he was alpha. While I find much of the sidebar reading arduous, there are gems and truths there I must force myself to uncover. MENTAL Last two weeks have been awesome. Been really holding frame better with wife. I put a listing contract in front of her for a piece of land I want to sell. She flat out refused. I let her know it is non-negotiable. She wanted to ‘talk’ about it. I said no. We can no longer afford it. Our son will not be able to continue college if we don’t sell it. I’m not borrowing any more. She got angry and let me know how bad I make her feel when I talk like we aren’t equals. That’s where I usually fall into her frame, or the next step when her tears come. Instead I got up, left house, and worked on my map for the next 4-5 hours. Six months ago I would have DEER’d, and finally bowed. She was sweet upon my return, been sweet since and flirty since. She even did some housework and cleaning (I wouldn’t quite call her a hoarder, more of a collector). No signed contract yet, but I’m ready to walk away over this. Pushing tonight for the signature. Haven’t talked with a lawyer yet, but ready to call the marriage over at any time. Really gotten to IDGAF. I’ve always lived afraid of her anger and temper, but I’m feeling like I can just deal/walk away from that. (Blue pill me put the land in only her name 10 years ago). Spent the weekend owning my shit. Yard work, and work on the hobby farm. Been really working on owning shit for the last 5 months. Feels good. I no longer do something and look to wife for a pat on the back or other validation. I used to show off any little project I finished. She loves seeing stuff being done, then adds to the honeydew list. I only do what’s a reflection to my map, do that when I want to, and say no to the rest. SEX Blah. What brought me to MRP isn’t what’s keeping me. After ‘the talk’ last July (pre MRP) I started a sex log. I’ve lost interest in it, kept it more as a journal for my state of mind and our relationship in general. Found I don’t really want sex with her. Still find her beautiful, turned on by her body, but just don’t desire her like I used to. Since that talk she’s been more mindful of my needs, but it’s forced. I’ve cut her off mid-act several times as I know I’m not going to the finish line. That being said, our intimacy has been fun. This rejection hurts her, but I give her the feelz after, and keep fun and happy. I want to encourage her to keep striving, and I’m not punishing her, it just isn’t enough for me. We don’t really know what we’re doing, and have been able to enjoy the time we have. Since Nov she’s given (or tried to give) a couple BJ’s. The first in 10 years. I’ve slept in a separate room for 9 years for two reasons: hers, I snore. Mine: it hurts too much to be next to someone who rebuffs advances. I’ve never told her my reason, but it’s moot at this point anyway. I see no reason to get back in the same bed until she desires me, and she can back that up with passion. That’s on me, as much as her. I now see what a sniveling, whiny, spineless dork I have been for most of the marriage. Still lots of work to go. I’m not in a rush. 1st priority is me, and making myself a better man. It does make kino tough, as I have to force it. As my desire (for validation from her, as I now know) fades I have to prompt myself to show her I want sex, and am a sexual person. I usually ramp it up over a few weeks time until she decides to do me a favor. Then it’s a mechanical handjob or starfish missionary. I just get laughing (literally)so hard seeing her be all serious to get this off her to-do list. Ends in fun, but no relief. I think I’ve developed more of a response desire at this point. Haven’t had T levels checked, but I don’t think that’s the reason. FINANCIAL This is my biggest weak spot. While I make a very solid income, I’m riddled with debt. Revised a budget a few weeks ago and still can’t hold it. This is my #2 goal of freedom and MAP after physical improvements. While I want to blame it on my wife, I’m irresponsible too. Have a plan in place. Now to keep getting better. This DoD week 6 that was just posted really hits home. DIET/EXERCISE Lost 13 lbs since start. Feel better. Low carb, but not full keto. Starting to make my own lunch for better quality and save $. Starting to see some little baby abs under the lard. Last couple weeks wife has started to notice a difference in my physique. She keeps saying she wants to start something herself, but she’s been saying that for years. No idea if I’m getting indications of interest from the ladies. I’ve always been blind to this. What’s a woman being polite vs ‘take me now’ face? I don’t want to be a creepy old man. The obvious IOI’s are from ladies WAY below my SMV, and I don’t find them attractive. It’s funny, I see that same blank face on my two boys (17 and 22) when out in public, the ladies starting to quiver when they see them, but the boys have no idea. Since MRP I tell them afterwards ‘that woman was checking you out!, and here’s what to look for.’ Reading up on DL 6. I do the majority of the cooking in the House. We’ve always had a fairly good knowledge of diet, but a lot of take out. Been cutting that WAY back. WRAP-UP I’ll leave the FR as is for now. I’m still not convinced you all aren’t a bunch of fuck-ups yourselves. A post isn’t up moments before there are 50 comments on it. When do you have time for a personal life and build all your greatness?!? While this forum may be all bullshit, there’s been enough inspiration here for me to push forward. I’d say I’m still nibbling on the pill. I tell myself the only reason I could want to post here is for validation from you fucktards, and that means I’m just living in your collective frame, not mine. I can’t trade living in hers to living in yours. That boat won’t float. But, it is a community; and one that needs a voice for people like me who could use a paradigm shift, so here you go.