The Captain and First Officer Relationship

This is another book excerpt from my upcoming best seller: "A Man's Guide To Turning Around a Low Sex Marriage" on the Captain/First Officer Relationship.

Examples of your own Captain and First Officer Relationship or comments are always appreciated.

"I first heard of the “Captain/First Officer Model" of marriage from the writings of Athol Kay in his epic works on marriage: Married Man’s Sex Life, 2011 and the Mindful Attraction Plan although others have also used this concept. This relationship model has been successful for a number of reasons which we will explore. The model offers that the man is the Captain of his ship and the wife is his First Officer or as some prefer in perhaps imagining a smaller more comfortable boat, the First Mate. Note how she is SECOND IN COMMAND of the ship, not a doormat.

She is a COMMANDER, not a plebe and I (imagining a much larger boat) prefer the term “Captain” and “Executive Officer.” On a nuclear armed ship, both the Captain and the XO carry the keys to the nuclear boxes and both have to agree to the release of weapons. Both the Captain and the XO work together in an atmosphere of mutual respect and admiration. Each has a critical role to perform but at the same time there are clear lines of authority between them.

Most important, this model is successful because it establishes the type of respect (from the wife) and forbearance, leadership, and consideration (from the husband) that is necessary for a good marriage.

If the man is going to take over as Captain he must consider the needs of his Ship and the needs of his officers- his "First Officer" being the most primary of them all. In a properly run ship, most of the time when the XO genuinely needs something the Captain is likely to fall over himself trying to provide it. This is because the Captain’s duty is to the ship which (just in case you are a bit obtuse) means the relationship. Her success becomes his success and suddenly that success is mutually fulfilling and reinforcing.

She respects the Captain and the position. The First Officer always speak clearly and openly and freely. Her opinion is a valuable resource and a good Captain uses his resources.

On the other end of this dynamic, the Captain cannot be negative around his crew. The Captain does not complain, he does not whine, he does not show doubt. He encourages the crew and the crew respects and trusts him. Are you beginning to see why this works?

Consider the 1990’s TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation. Captain Picard is the quiet, calm diplomat and his “Number One” is First Officer Commander Riker. By almost all measures, Riker is superior to Picard. He is taller, has a full head of hair, is better looking, and absolutely slays it with the ladies. He is a better pilot, more popular with the crew, a stunning musician, and he is even having sex with the Captains personal counselor. Yet the actors do an exceptional job showing that Picard is the Captain and he is the one in charge.

Riker operates largely independently but always looks to Picard for the major decisions. Riker is in complete charge of managing the 1,000 member crew and he also does an amazing job anticipating the Captains orders. Many times the Enterprise will encounter a derelict ship and Riker will look around the bridge, assembling his “away team” wordlessly and then look to the Captain for his order. Picard will often give the order with a glance or a slight nod at his First Officer because no words are necessary.

“Allegiance” was a classic Next Generation episode from season 3 that illustrates the concept of the Captain/First Officer dynamic. At the beginning of the episode Captain Picard is abducted from his quarters and replaced with a duplicate who has Picard’s memories but displays subtle behavioral differences. The “Captain” orders a change in course to a well-studied quasar. At maximum speed it would only take 40 minutes to reach but instead he orders a greatly reduced speed so that it will take almost 2 days. The crew is bemused and some of them glance up from their display panels with a curious look while a couple crewmen even look to the First Officer for confirmation. Of course Riker trusts his Captain and very lightly nods at the crew who only then follow the orders.

Picard’s behavior becomes stranger as the episode proceeds. He asks his First Officer and the Ship’s Counselor to alert him if the crew starts doubting him. He orders a pointless but time consuming increase in engine efficiency. He has a strange date with the doctor, dances with her, leads her on and then suddenly shows her the door. The doctor can barely walk out of the room she is so stunned. While the First Officer and the Counselor are discussing the strange changes in Picard he comes into the bar, orders everyone a drink and proceeds to lead the crew in a drinking song. In case you have not seen the show be assured this is extremely out of character for the reclusive Picard.

Riker is convinced in that moment: “One thing is certain. That’s not the Captain Picard I know.” He very respectfully attempts to speak with Picard about the changes in his behavior. Instead of assurances, he is sharply rebuked. Finally, Riker takes the extraordinary step of going behind the Captains back and convenes a meeting of the senior staff. As the meeting concludes, the security officer scowls, saying there is not enough evidence to support a mutiny. Riker immediately agrees, saying “the next move is his.”

In the next scene, the ship finally gets to the quasar and Picard orders the ship to fly dangerously close. Riker attempts to speak to the Captain alone but he refuses just as the science officer announces the radiations levels are so high the ship will be destroyed in just a few minutes. “Picard” orders the ship to get even closer to the danger. At this point there is a dramatic confrontation and Riker steps in and removes the Captain from command. The fake Picard demands to know if Riker really thinks he has enough evidence to convince a board of inquiry that he should be removed. Riker tells him plainly that he doesn’t have enough evidence, but he is not going to let him endanger the ship for no reason. The crew gladly follows the leadership of the First Officer and they move the ship to a safe location just as the real Picard returns.

There are several noteworthy points from this example. First is the mutual respect and admiration. Riker follows the Captains orders even when they are erratic and nonsensical. He follows orders even when he is convinced that it is not the real Captain. He follows his orders even into danger. Second, he objects to the orders in private and with great respect. He does not argue, whine, complain, or attempt to dictate to the Captain. Third, he clearly and calmly voices his objections directly to the Captain, in private. Only when the Captain refuses to listen to him does he go behind his back to discuss matters with the senior staff. Even through all of this he obeys the Captain. Only when the ship is put into serious and totally unnecessary danger does the First Officer spring into action and remove the Captain.

That is the type of relationship you want to establish with your wife. A relationship of mutual trust and respect. A relationship of shared power and responsibility. A relationship where the Captain’s word is trusted and his orders are followed but where the First Officer is fully capable of taking command and even relieving the Captain if he becomes unfit for duty. We will discuss the special case of the “Drunk Captain” in another thread.