This is my ride. You might want to buckle up.
My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We've fucked maybe 2 dozen times. She was a virgin and has not been with anyone else as far as I know. We have 2 older teens.
I've failed miserably and all along was so clueless that I blamed her. I always felt that I had settled and I believe I took it out on her by avoiding any level of physical relationship. Somehow I decided that seeking validation as an orbiter to other women and fapping was more satisfying than nailing my wife. I only ever initiated a few times, and I turned her down on many occasions until finally she stopped trying. For years she wrote offers like "I hope we can try" in cards at our anniversary and Valentine's day but gave up on that a few years ago.
She has progressed into total bitch mode (to me) and avoids letting me get near her. It's been a year and a half since we had any sexual contact. We continue to share a bed but she avoids coming to bed until I'm asleep. Neither of us signed up for a lifelong platonic relationship and yet that's what we have. She has recently claimed that she feels like she settled, that I repulse her, and she regrets missing out on half a lifetime of sex. She has begun bringing up the topics of divorce or dating in her arguments.
One complicating factor is that she is a senior in her company and has her ass kissed all day long. Then she comes home and is just an involuntary celibate wife and mother who cooks and cleans. Also, I have not been a planner - I'd rather deal with things as they arise - and that forced her to assume that role for the household and the family.
I always knew that we were screwed up, but only recently did I realize that it's totally my fault and up to me to fix it. While doing some soul searching last summer I came across the Red Pill sites and at first wasn't impressed since it was obvious to me that my wife was the problem, not me. As I invested time and energy trying to understand, I had some major revelations about my beliefs, my actions, and the situation I created - The Nightmare.
I completed and digested the prerequisite readings and started through the 101 list. I continue to lift and run (been doing so for decades) and I have a job I love with great income. I'm socially aware and not afraid to banter with strangers or flirt with women. I think that I am 1 or 2 points higher SMV than her. I have taken a few responsibilities from her at home to practice and prove leadership.
I've started trying the Red Pill ideas - attempting to pass shit tests and comfort tests (which seem really rare), frame, fogging, and STFUing. She claims I've been a "jackass" lately, so I'm not sure I'm getting it right though. Maybe I'm missing and failing the comfort tests and adding too much Rambo.
It might be a long shot, it might be impossible, but oh well. Rewards require effort and risk. She has stayed this long, and I feel like I owe myself and her to do the things I should have been doing all along. Whether that results in us staying together or separating I don't know, but I am trying to be an attractive man. To be a leader. To be a husband. To become ... worthy.
So, enough puke and build up. I have a natural inclination to fix problems and rely only on myself, but this time I need some help. I've been lurking since last year and I've been combinations of sympathetic, offended, impressed, and sometimes floored at the advice dispensed. I'm now imposing on you all and asking for a turn. I know in general that the lack of a woman's sexual desire is caused by not being attractive. In this case, is it possible that it might be the reverse, that the lack of attraction is the result of my failure to initiate? How can I initiate when she actively avoids opportunities for me to even touch her? (Her go-to move is sitting or laying on the sofa watching TV and falling asleep early, and even when I can get close other times she tells me to stop or ignores me).
Is this even the right approach?
TL;DR: Didn't fuck wife. Blamed her. Realize it's my fault. How can I and should I start initiating?