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Father finally passed away

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September 14, 2016
12 upvotes

Well, he’s gone. Cancer ate him up. The final days were awful with so much pain. I was able to be there near the end with a final good bye so there was that. On my last post, I thought long and hard about what you all said. Frame is coming along and I am really struggling to avoid “sprinkling a little alpha on it” mentality as I make newb gains.

The service was really good. I got the local AFB to send an honor guard out to do their ceremony and present the flag “on behalf of a grateful nation” to my Mom. In preparing for this, I found his DD-214. HE FUCKING EARNED THE DFC!! (Distinguished Flying Cross)

He never told anyone. I search frantically and found the citation. He volunteered to fly a Huey gunship in support of downed American Airmen who was able to be rescued. His ship came home with 78 holes in it and not a scratch on him. Reading this was the first time I wept since he died, and not in front of the wife. I then kept it together the next few days and into the memorial service. I talked the honor flight into letting me command it. I am a reserve Major and they were enlisted so I got my way.

Anyway it went really well, but I began weeping silently when they started playing taps. FUCK! She finally saw me weep silently. I just couldn’t hold it back anymore.

So now we are back home across the country and life is supposed to return to normal. I just feel like shit. She is being all nice and sweet and asking me to share my grief with her and the temptation is SO STRONG to do so. But like many have said, I have had my day of grief and now I need to march on. I need to celebrate my SHIT HOT GUNSHIP NVA KILLING Dad with what I do with the rest of my life.

But I really feel like shit. He was a lot of greatness that I never knew about. I think this is a part of what “Alpha” might mean. Doing great things (like saving a fellow American) for the sake of doing them instead of what anyone else thinks, but I would have loved sharing these things with him while he was alive. It turns out that he had 5 other air medals awarded for just being an awesome pilot.

Now he’s gone and I really miss my Dad.


Post Information
Title Father finally passed away
Author RecoveringBPAddict
Upvotes 12
Comments 17
Date 14 September 2016 09:38 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207101
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/52sw9t/father_finally_passed_away/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

I am really struggling to avoid “sprinkling a little alpha on it” mentality as I make newb gains.

Don't listen to stone, sometimes that sprinkle is all you need. With that said, you fix you, you don't try to fix the world.

Reading this was the first time I wept since he died, and not in front of the wife.

If it was in front of her, that would have been fine. Masculine men are romantics, passionately emotional, & fierce w/ feelings. It just needs to be controlled & not delve into attention seeking or woe is me.

Reading that shit, would have wrecked me. My eyes well up every time I hear our anthem & if I hear taps, stand the fuck by. It's who I am, my wife doesn't think I'm a pussy, she's told people she's glad I am passionate as too many people are numb and don't care for anything.

FUCK! She finally saw me weep silently. I just couldn’t hold it back anymore.

She's glad her man can shed a tear for a fallen warrior & keep his shit together and not need her to care for him like a child. Don't think FUCK just embrace it & move forward.

I need to celebrate my SHIT HOT GUNSHIP NVA KILLING Dad with what I do with the rest of my life.

This.

but I would have loved sharing these things with him while he was alive.

This is what the whole post boils down to.

Regret.

That nasty, dirty, shameful word - yet an aspect of living that is all too frequent nowadays.

My post A String & Some Polaroids may help you out, but what all of this boils down to is - do better than your father did.

Share a little more, like I said in your last post - your mother never understood your father - Does your wife understand you? She doesn't need to get it but she does need to understand who & how you are as a man.

The wives of the 300 Spartans didn't know about the masculine fire in their husband's hearts. But they did know that their men were warriors and warriors would rather die standing than 'live' kneeling.

He was a lot of greatness that I never knew about. I think this is a part of what “Alpha” might mean. Doing great things (like saving a fellow American) for the sake of doing them instead of what anyone else thinks, but I would have loved sharing these things with him while he was alive.

Share exactly this with your wife. Let her understand where your mourning is coming from and also let her see that this is something you want to improve within your own life.

If you don't, history will repeat itself & you be 6' under with someone wishing you spent just a little more time leading & sharing with them.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for the counsel. I need to figure out how best to learn from life and deal with it.

This is what the whole post boils down to.

Regret.

Exactly. This really hit home. It is better to live with rejection than to live with regret. Thanks for pointing this out.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

No problem - Iron sharpens Iron. You sharing your story helped me as well as a few other dudes on here.

It's a good reminder to step back & appreciate it all - good/bad, up & down.

[–]Mildly_Sociopathic-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

They're Spartans. Of course they knew.

Their entire culture was based around strength, balls and fighting.

[–]onmyownpath7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Here's to your shit hot DFC dad. The old man was an ass kicker in his time and worthy of the legacy he left. He would be damn proud that you are trying to be good man in this age of faggots.

I will crack a beer tonight and think of both of you.

[–]weakandsensitive5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

really makes you want to take a look in the mirror doesn't it?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not sure why you were downvoted; your comment, while consisting of only 13 words packs a book worth of insight.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

"He never told anyone."

Acta non verba.

Damn. Thanks for the inspiration.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wow! I wrote the dam thing and I missed that. Really cool insight. Thanks.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Good men are not robots. Strong emotions are a sign of a strong man. Crying over your fathers death is not even in the same universe as crying like a bitch over something innocuous like we see here often.

He was a lot of greatness that I never knew about. I think this is a part of what “Alpha” might mean.

Yes he was greatness, and he just showed you and thousands of other men exactly what "Alpha" means.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good men are not robots

It is a learning process for me and I'm not there ... Yet.

Just today I tried and completely failed an engagement where I ended up DEERing with the wife after failing an AA attempt. I identified where I went wrong and will be better prepared for the next time.

I need to give myself space to learn and recognize that the principles taught here are tools in a tool box. Every article is not a hammer and every situation is not a nail.

I can do better at not being so much of a robot.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Chicks are funny. you're dealing with loss, and she's pressing you for some dopamine surges.

They aren't good at being the rock, too busy looking at whats in it for them. Took me 3 years to bring up my father in a conversation and maintain composure, and he wasn't particularly present even.

She means well, she just doesn't know any better. Give her a little thanks and move on. I would think of it like a child, trying to make you some food, but their fumbly coordination just makes a mess, it's sweet really, and they tried real hard.

Got a brother? Go spend some time with him doing unrelated stuff. I liked that stuff, I assume he did too. I never dwelled on the coulda shoulda woulda, was no point to it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

TFA wrote you a post :

read this

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, I read this the day he died. It was a well needed shot in the arm.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Lost my parents in a freak accident. One thing I learned, there is a huge difference between acknowledging grief and really sharing the full depth of it.

Acknowledging vs Sharing: It is OK to say that you are dealing with the loss. OK to say it makes you sad. But when you start sharing the loss, sharing the depths of your sadness and grief, I don't believe a woman can deal with your pain. Sharing is much more painful for her than just acknowledging it because she lives in the world of emotion. Acknowledging it makes you human, and allows her to freely tag onto some of the drama for herself. But completely sharing your deepest sad feelings, makes you appear weak, and can put her drama machine into an overload and cause her pain that she cannot abide.

This is what worked for me, as best I can explain it.

u/RecoveringBPAddict May your sadness be overshadowed by your joy in the reality that once was, and now lives forever in your memory. My Best.

[–]RecoveringBPAddict[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

But when you start sharing the loss, sharing the depths of your sadness and grief, I don't believe a woman can deal with your pain. Sharing is much more painful for her than just acknowledging it because she lives in the world of emotion. Acknowledging it makes you human, and allows her to freely tag onto some of the drama for herself. But completely sharing your deepest sad feelings, makes you appear weak, and can put her drama machine into an overload and cause her pain that she cannot abide.

This is a hard part of the pill for me. I was always taught that marriage = sharing my life in intimate ways.

So far, this is one of the deepest emotions I've ever felt and it's hard realizing she won't understand and that it's taken as weakness.

I get that now and need to keep learning how women love differently than men. I need to fully accept that she will never love me the way I want. I appreciate the distinction you make and the way you explain it. Thanks.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Best not to toot your own horn and allow the children to grow up not being constantly compared to your achievements. He did what was needed and as my father has always told me, no glory in war. 2 tours spec forces same war as your dad

I held my father in law in my arms for his last breath. My wife got 30 seconds of tears from me. She got more with the children's births. That's all Don't be afraid to show it, but don't dwell As I tell my SO, I deal with my grief as I wish and see fit. I shed not one tear for my grandparents. My uncle for who I am named and drove me to who I am may get a couple of minutes



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