707,472 posts

Two Months In ...

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September 12, 2016
7 upvotes

38 y.o., married 14 years, 4 kids. Wife is 34 y.o., former college athlete and, until recently, had a much higher SMV than me. About a year ago I realized I needed to make some changes in my life. I was unhappy with myself and unhappy with my marriage/family life. Sex with my wife was fairly regular, as long as I "put in the effort" as she likes to say. This means love notes in the morning, maybe bring home flowers or a present after work, let her soak in the tub for an hour while I put the kids to bed, and finished with a full body massage. WTF. I was about 30 lbs overweight and as is the familiar story here I had gradually become a beta pussy. On my own I started lifting and upgraded my wardrobe. But that was the extent of my self-improvement. I was still a beta pussy. Work was, and still is, very good.

About two months ago I stumbled across the MRP subreddit almost by accident and everything made so much sense. I have read the sidebar and MMSLP, SGM, and am currently reading WISNIFG. Increased my lifting intensity, started Keto with strict observance, and have made some major gains there.

I now recognize shit tests and am getting better at passing them, usually with A&A or AM, and the occasional STFU. I know it's a long road ahead and I'm trying to take it slow, read, lift, internalize, and work on myself. Still need to find some hobbies outside the house, but my evenings are almost always occupied with my kids' sports events. Not sure what to do about that yet.

Saturday my brother-in-law was staying at my house. My wife, looking right at me, asked him if he is handy and can look at a cabinet that was off the hinge. It was on my to-do list and I fucked up by not having done it over a week ago when it happened. He fixed it. I STFU, although I was fuming inside. I'm too new to know whether I handled it correctly, but it was a glaring realization as to how she views me. A pussy who can't/won't even fix a fucking cabinet hinge. I definitely need to improve in the home improvement area.

Sunday night I came home from the store and she was in bed in a sexy nighty. I entered the room and she asked me for a massage. I now know how my prior actions have set up this expectation and I wasn't equipped to address it properly, so I caved in and gave her one. Sex was terrible. She was not into it at all, wouldn't take direction, was closing her legs when I was kissing her belly and thighs. Where I fucked up is, instead of STFU and DNGAF, I told her to relax. Didn't help, and after we finished she told me so. I lost frame and told her I was tired of her playing defense whenever we have sex, and told her I didn't think she was attracted to me. Her response: "Are you serious?" Realizing my mistake, I STFU, didn't say another word, and rolled over to sleep. A few minutes later she said "don't go to sleep mad at me" and I responded, in as cheerful of a voice as possible under the circumstances, "I'm not mad." Went to sleep. Now I'm trying to be normal and DNGAF but there's clearly tension between us still. We have hardly spoken to each other since Sunday and I think she's expecting an apology. My plan is to DNGAF and go about my business.

I realize I fucked up, lost frame, am viewed as a pussy by my wife, I am still a beta pussy, and she's not attracted to me. Working on my MAP, and I don't have any delusions of a quick recovery. Any feedback on how I handled these situations would be greatly appreciated.


Post Information
Title Two Months In ...
Author harryseaward001
Upvotes 7
Comments 8
Date 12 September 2016 10:49 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207105
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/52h7nz/two_months_in/
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Comments

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Judge a woman by her actions and you have a better picture. What you describe to me is, choreplay and transaction sex. "Hmmm give me a massage and I'll let you fuck me. She still sees sex as a duty to you.

We tell men to never turn down sex and that still holds, but you can blast through these payments in kind. Next time she asks for a massage tell her "great idea!" And flip over and tell her "me first!" This will take the transaction off the table by undermining it.

She still sees you as lower than her apparent SMV according to the actions you describe. The next time she does the ole brother fix it routine own it. Either beat her to the punch or grab your tools so you can help the guy. At the point she asked its too late, so just fix it. Conversely don't get caught in the honey do trap. She'll always have a list longer than you can do so learn to lead her expectations. If you set the pace she won't be able to out flank you.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

don't beat yourself up too much. Reads to me like you are taking responsibility and trying to Own your stuff. Tomorrow is a new day. Lots of helpful comments here, my one thought is "I'm not mad" can come off beta/submissive. I'd say "I'm not mad, just disappointed."

Disappointed is powerful because it communicates OI, DGAF, etc.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

evenings are almost always occupied with my kids' sports events. Not sure what to do about that yet

It's early, so dread level 7 and flirting with soccer mom's may be out. But use that time as an attempt to be social with the other dads. Shoot the shit and push for new frirndships. This will be difficult if you don't have hobbies outside the house you can invite them in on...but that comes in dread level 3.

 

Brother-in-law... I'm too new to know whether I handled it correctly,

You handled it about as good as you could. You STFU. If you fail in your action, you don't DEER it. You STFU, accept you failed, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

so I caved in and gave her one. Sex was terrible

Any action done on your part directly for or in support of future promises of intimacy, the sex is never worth it. -Shittily quoted on my part from Rollo Tomassi.

 

I'm not mad.

I've been in this position. It's hard to grow a pair and navigate the line between getting into a verbal arguement, and lying. But don't lie. There is something wrong...but you can phrase it in such a way that it sounds like it came from a leader, and then you can go to bed without another word: "I'm not mad...I'm disappointed".

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You know, some women don't like to overtly say they want to be fucked daily and nightly and ever so rightly. Her massage and sexy dress routine could be her code to get it on... You could attempt to agree and amplify via action and go get some coconut oil and turn that shit into some fun sexy times. Start a massage with some warmed coconut oil and...oops...your dick slipped in...and out...and in...then just do some caveman and stop worrying so much about how much she follows your lead and let that come with time.

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/41wu1b/married_game_the_coconut_spa/

[–]onmyownpath0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

When things get tense - it is time to engage aggressively. Tickles, pokes, jokes, ass-slaps, long kisses.

At the same time - do NOT even acknowledge tension. Do not speak about it. Do not acknowledge her feelings about it. You have nothing to apologize for. STFU.

Now - look online for shit to do this week and weekend - things that YOU want to do. Don't lay it all out for her.

Wed - I want to go try this taco place

Thurs - Fix ALL the shit in the house - for yourself. Don't talk to her about it. It's your fucking house man. Take care of it. Fuck the honey-do list. Stop being a lazy fuck and take care of your shit.

Fri - I want to see this movie

Sat - This brunch place looks cool/hiking trail - whatever fun thing YOU want to do.

Do not even consider her in these things. She can come do them with you or she can stay home. Don't DEER about these things. Just say you want to go, invite her, and if she doesn't want to go, you go.

This is how I overcome tension. It usually results in a lot of sex and no further arguments.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

/u/onmyownpath has it right about tension. The second you feel it you need to blow it up with teasing, jokes, ass slaps...all the stuff he already said you get it.

As far as the brother fixing the cabinet, I hope you didn't get pouty and butthurt. The right move would be to get up with him, make a joke about how the cabinet is the Bain of your existence, or that you've been holding off for someone more qualified to look at it, and put your arm on his back and guide him into the kitchen or wherever it is. Afterwards thank him and offer him a beer. You can be appreciative of another man while still maintaining dominance.

This was just another shit test but with an extra layer because the brother is there, so it's a little more complicated. The key to passing shit tests, no matter how complex is to take the reality she is creating, which us usually a contrast to your reality, and make it seem like it was all part of your plan all along. Roll with the punches, just don't get too self deprecating.



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