[ADVICE] I feel like I have to be in charge of everything in our marriage and it's stressing me out

[deleted] · 2016-12-10T01:43:40+00:00

I'm asking how I, as his wife, can learn to respect him better under these circumstances.

oh thats easy, stop pretending to care about "christian submission", STFU and "the surrendered wife" and ACTUALLY shut the fuck up and stop beign a cunt. have you actually TRIED "surrendering"? i see no report on your part that youve done one thing. turn over any responsibilities to him that you can and STFU, even if they dont get done "right" or to yoru satisfaction. this is the man YOU chose to marry, hes not an arranged marriag eyou didnt know. hes in a foreign country because of YOU. you have no gratitude to him at all

I organize pretty much everything. I look up how to get places and when we have to leave to get there on time, I buy bus tickets, take care of bank stuff and visa stuff and apartment stuff, go grocery shopping etc.

yeh, this is called being a "wife". what did you think it was, a bon bons party?

jade_cat · 2016-12-10T03:22:28+00:00

Many people have covered several key points already, so I'll focus on a specific part that struck a chord.

Since I'm fluent in German and know how things work around here while my husband barely speaks any German and stays home all day due to his job, I organize pretty much everything. [...] I don't mind doing this stuff per se, but it makes me feel like my husband's mom or personal assistant and it makes me resent him sometimes that he's so... helpless. It's making it hard for me to respect him.

You speak the language, he doesn't. Therefore the optimal solution is for you to take care of that kind of stuff.
You are not doing these things while he stays on the couch watching Netflix all day. He is working. Why on Earth would you lose respect for a man who works to provide for you both?
Mom =/= personal assistant. I don't see anything wrong with being his "personal assistant". Think of it this way: you are removing weight from the shoulders of the man you love.
So you have a man who uprooted his entire life, who moved far from his family and friends to a country that has a different language and culture, less than a year ago, and you are resentful that he is "helpless"? You should instead be grateful, not many people would accept doing that.

[deleted] · 2016-12-09T23:49:39+00:00

Background: This woman is lazy, messy, and complains continually when her H wants her to be up/awake and do things with him at 10AM or something on the weekends. She has a history of depression, is resentful, and selfish.

A bunch of people have talked to her repeatedly in IRC, sometimes having to tell her the most basic things (ie "instead of chatting right now, go clean something!"). She's made small improvements, but inevitably it boils back down to this.

OP and her H are both 'bruised pears' - each one having flaws, but they met, and decided 'okay' and married. We warn people against LDRs for a lot of reasons - and this is a good example why! They got together while she was studying abroad in the US, 'dated' but have only been intimate and lived together after they tied the knot (8 months). This guy moved to another country for her. He is the exact same person that he always has been, but now the 'charm' has worn off.

I'm not exactly sure what OP is looking for other than "You can't change him, so fix your attitude and be nice or get a divorce."

He's no prince, and she's no swan. The only person she can change is herself. /u/Camille11325 made a great suggestion - saying that Anoulie should make some friends, get some hobbies and leave the house (instead of trying to kick him out). And /u/happywifelife said that she should try helping him learn German.

Take a close look, this is a woman trying to shirk responsibility for the mess she has helped create, and is now trying to paint herself as a martyr. The reality is that they got married too soon, they are both flawed, and now the OP is so focused on herself - she's turned her (employed) H into a villain.

tintedlipbalm · 2016-12-10T01:17:11+00:00

Your incompatibility has been addressed thoroughly and accurately here by Phantom. I remember you from these recurring and unchanged attitudes on IRC from months ago... but aside from that (poor vetting, mismatched dominance levels and expectations, things that you really should have addressed before marrying) I think the fact that you chose your education (being in affordable med school in Germany) over a dynamic in which he would come out on top (by being in his own country where he knows the language, people and culture) is what hurt your marriage the most. He is effectively like your dependent there, and the only way to help that aspect to the core and stay together in my view is to leave school and move to his country and find some other way that isn't med school in Germany.

What was your long term plan, anyway? To move back once you finished? Or to stay there where he is not planning to adapt in terms of language and customs?

Eh... not so active recently. I don't feel like it, but I'd do it, but he only wants to if I'm gonna orgasm too and then I'm like... nah.

This might garner me some downvotes as it's controversial, but I advise you to fake it if this is the case. Fake an orgasm to please him if that's his condition. Which sounds really strange, because how could you possibly know beforehand? Are you really silent during sex? I'm sure you can explain truthfully that sex is enjoyable in the process even if you don't reach an orgasm, and I think most men know this... but the way you phrased it makes it sound like he might want you to be more vocal/expressing in your enjoyment during sex.

SuperSlavisWife · 2016-12-11T10:37:23+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4rhcma/laissezfaire_homemaking/

https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5eqcnh/how_to_be_better_than_your_man/

BellaScarletta · 2016-12-09T23:22:44+00:00

Yeesh. Lots going on here, before an actual response - I have a few follow-up questions if you don't mind?

Were you LDR the entire time before marriage? Parts of it? None of it?
So you only lived together and had sex after marriage? You waited on both the whole time? (That seemed pretty clear but I just wanted to double check, particularly in conjunction with above question).
Assuming I'm interpretting that correctly, how would you characterize your intimacy under normal circumstances? What you described at the bottom of your post? Or are both of these attitudes new?

Eh... not so active recently. I don't feel like it, but I'd do it, but he only wants to if I'm gonna orgasm too and then I'm like... nah.

Could you answer those first? Then I'll respond once I have a little more info!

Title	[ADVICE] I feel like I have to be in charge of everything in our marriage and it's stressing me out
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	2
Comments	17
Date	December 9, 2016 10:43 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5hguoq/advice_i_feel_like_i_have_to_be_in_charge_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/advice-i-feel-like-i-have-to-be-in-charge-of.209305 https://theredarchive.com/post/209305

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