Before I begin, i apologize for the long post..

I came across RPW earlier today after having a big fight with my husband. I was searching for advice in r/marriage and came across RPW in a comment. Curiosity got the best of me, and at this time I am so grateful.

A little backstory: I have been with my husband for over 8 years, married for 3 of those 8. He truly is a great man, I just can't stand him sometimes. Most of you will understand that. I am sure he can't stand me at times either. We have streaks of good and bad, as many couples do. Lately , however, its been a couple months of just bad. Today I was seriously contemplating the 'D' word.

My parents divorced two years ago, leaving me with serious trust issues. I have had many problems with my husband since learning my parents had such problems in their marriage. The fear that my husband would do what my father did to my mother was great. Over the course of their 30 year relationship, my father was rarely faithful, had serious debt, was very controlling, emotionally abusive, drug addiction, the list goes on. I never understood how my mother could take so much, but I guess that is not my place. Problem is, their issues were affecting my life. Once they divorced I went throigh a partivularly difficult time. I was dealing with the divorce, newly married, and was diagnosed with endometriosis. I ended up going through Lupron treatment, inducing menopause. Worst. Experience. Ever. While Iam pain free and have been for 2 years, the strain that treatment put on my marriage was not worth it. Moodswings, sleeplessness, bone pain, hot flashes, no sex drive, among other side effects really took their toll. Nearing the end of the treatment my husband even mentioned the 'D' word. Luckily we made it past that, and had been happy for a while.

Last year, we had to move to a new city because he got a new job. I have been a stay at home wife since the treatment, which did not help during the treatment itself. I am sure you can imagine the loneliness, anxiety, depression.. After that, i got into my home making routine and went on to be happy with being at home. I still do not know anyone in this city but my aunt and uncle, so i am alone with our two dogs most days. I do get lonely, but I have been pushing through in a good way. I am one of those where if he has to work 12 hour days to get ahead, I will not complain. However, if there is no time left for me on the weekends, I do end up nagging a lot.

These past two months have been getting the better of me. We are struggling financially because he has decided to open his own logistics company. I am very proud of him for this and support his decision infinitely. I trust that this is for our future. But after today's fight, I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I wake up early in the morning to make sure he has the breakfast he asks me for. I clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, etc. Nothing is missing. But today, he mentioned he has nothing to talk to me about and he is tired of me. I thought, what is going on here?! This is coming out of the blue. So I asked. He says he can't stand the complaining, the nagging, the not wanting to come home sometimes.

Whoa. That came out of nowhere for me. So I lashed out. You never appreciate what I do for you, everything I do is to make you happy, I am going back to work because you want me to, the list goes on. Finally, he turns on his side to go to sleep whike I am left livid. At first i try to keep the fight going by turning on the tv loudly. Giving in once he really seems to get mad. I went on reddit to find advice. And here I am.

I read a post or a comment asking if a person had read 'The Surrendered Wife'. Curiosity got me again, and I downloaded it. Currently I am halfway through the book, and I can not stop feeling so guilty. While I know all of our marital problems are not just me, I can see where I am not helping AT ALL. So many incidents have been crossing my mind where I have been saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things. I never stop to think how he might feel about this until tonight. It has come to my mind where while i may do somethings right, the majority of times I do not. This book is changing the way I see things in my marriage. I can not believe all the things I have done. Sugesting he get rid of his truck because three cars are unecessary. Almost forcing him to try and go swimming with the whale sharks this summer. Telling him that if he wants to have a baby already that I need to have one last Vegas trip. And these are just the past couple of weeks!

Point being, I wanted to thank whoever wrote that comment. I truly hope to follow this book. I am deeply in love with this man, and I know he loves me as well. I am sure this will help my marriage succeed. I will begin taking the steps necessary to stop being so controlling and naggy. I may need some support from time to time. You may see me post for advice. I thank you in advance for your help. Once again, sorry for the long post. Thank you!!