Identifying and Addressing Problematic Behavior(s)

CoochQuarantine · 2016-05-02T19:47:17+00:00

General information: Male or female? Relationship status?

Female. LTR

What are your personal ‘red-flags’? These are things (behaviors, traits etc) that indicate to you that the other person may not be worth pursuing.

My personal red flags are how they treat women, how they treat their ex's, how they treat strangers, how they are around children, how they treat their friends.... really just how they treat people in general. Other things are tons of "crazy ex's". Can't hold a job. Active addiction. I can't think of anything else but if I do I'll update.

What are your deal-breakers? These are the behaviors and traits etc that make you ‘next’ someone. You would also end a relationship over these things (or, if applicable, possibly divorce)

Wanted kids. Didn't want to get married. Abusive. Active addiction. Cheating.

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

Nope.

Do you think ultimatums work?

No. They are usually given as a method to control. You see a behavior you don't like. Your SO either changes it to make you happy, you learn to live with it, or you leave. You don't tell them, you'd better change or else. That is just dumb.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

Yeah. I was a total bitch. I don't know. I've done it so many times (not in my current relationship though). Every time they say they'll change and never do. it is cause they don't want to change and rightfully so. Then if they did happen to change it would either be temporary or I would find some other thing to nit pick about and give them an ultimatum with that too.

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

Yes. I usually laugh in their face. Again. Not in my current relationship. I was really a piece of work.

MsSadieDunham · 2016-05-03T02:37:16+00:00

General information: Male or female? Relationship status? Female, married almost two years.

What are your personal ‘red-flags’? Does he frequently say he'll do things and not follow through? Does he have a good relationship with his family? Does he do drugs? Does he drink too much? Does he carry a lot of debt? How does he treat children? Is he part of a church?

What are your deal-breakers? I would have said cheating before but we are having a baby together now, plus his two sons have gotten very attached to me, we've been a family for 3 years. So now I'll say that an affair that was continual and long term is a deal breaker as opposed to a ons. A drug or alcohol or gambling addiction. Commiting a crime. Hitting me or the children.

4-7 Yes, my husband was charged with a felony (nonviolent, he helped embezzle money at the bank he worked at) and I noticed a distinct change in him from him being formally charged than him being investigated. It put our whole lives on hold. He got depressed couldn't sleep, wouldn't shower, would have night terrors and cry in his sleep. It was awful. As time went on (we waited two years for his court date) things gradually got better and easier to live with but the self hatred was there for a long time. I was concerned that this was our new reality and rpw honestly helped me change myself and save my marriage. My husband is now a felon, he was charged and is on probation for another year and a half, we have to pay restitution. But he has really put his life back together and I couldn't be prouder of him or myself.

When you notice problematic behaviors emerging, how do you respond? I'll tell him. One problem that happens is he will get lazy with parenting and put all the work on me (disciplining, making sure they're ready for the day, etc) and I'll tell him he's slacking and having me do too much. I usually wait to see if it's a pattern or if he's just having an off day, maybe he's stressed, maybe he's tired or has a headache whatever. But if something is a pattern like that or spending too much time on his phone/internet or letting all the housework fall to me, I'll just tell him "I feel as bought I've been doing x too much and I'm tired."

Do you initially give the other person the benefit of the doubt? After becoming an rpw I do! I know my SO is not out to get me or to put everything on me or make my life hard. We love each other.

What has to happen in order for you to feel compelled to speak to the other person? It just gets to a point where I see that it isn't getting better and I say something. It will be a few days or whatever. Sometimes he snaps out of it, sometimes not. Then I say something.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? I think once the nagging and emotional shit tests went out the window he noticed what a problem they were. He has told me on more than one occasion that he feels I show favoritism towards his younger son. I just get along better with toddlers-early elementary schoolers. That's been his younger son's age, but I do make a point to spend time with his older son, 1-on-1 now because I don't want my husband or he older son to feel like that (he's 9).

Did they give you the benefit of the doubt for a while? I would say he's a little too patient with me and it hinders my personal development when I need someone to tell me to stop acting like a child or to stfu.

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns? I asked him for feedback on my parenting skills with his kids. We were together about a year.

Do you think ultimatums work? No.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond? I had just started reading red pill and hadn't really put it into practice yet and I gave him one because I thought his parents undermined me too much as a step mother. The rpw ladies ripped me a new one when I asked for advice. I have since then chilled the eff out. His parents are lovely, loving, wonderful people. I was definitely the asshole.

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond? Uhhhhhhh not that I can think of, honestly. I can tell you I wouldn't respond well. If it was my husband I would try and work through it to see his side and if I still disagreed I'd do what he wanted. Nothing is more precious to me than the harmony and intimacy of our marriage. Everyone else I'd tell them to suck it, probably.

Kittenkajira · 2016-05-03T17:47:55+00:00

Male or female? Relationship status?

Female, engaged.

What are your personal ‘red-flags’?

Relationship with family is a big one. My ex had overbearing parents (plus mom is an alcoholic) and he was pretty much a doormat around them - it would have been a big hint had we not been teens when we met. The behavior carried into adulthood and created many problems in our life. This experience also made me avoid men who were a single child with no siblings.

Nitpicking at your inherent traits could be another red flag, especially if it's in a negative way, such as telling you your laugh is unpleasant to hear. It makes you uneasy, and that's a feeling to look for when you're dating.

What are your deal-breakers?

Addiction and cheating would cause me to heavily consider divorcing, but I would likely try to make it work first. I just can't see most things I'd consider deal-breakers happening in our relationship.

Can you imagine (or have you experienced) a situation where the person you were seeing/married seemed to suddenly and drastically change in extremely problematic ways?

After getting diagnosed with narcolepsy and really waking up for the first time in my adult life, my personality and outlook on life greatly changed into a positive one. My ex-husband got it into his head that I was cheating. At first he just did some fishing for information and little snide remarks, but after a while it got out of hand. He was convinced I was cheating with a co-worker, and even running to the grocery store was proof to him of my non-existent indiscretions. It's a difficult situation to be in... I was really offended that he would think such things of me, so whenever he brought it up, I would lash at him. There were many arguments over it.

There was an earlier period in that same relationship where he changed suddenly. I've always been the type to ask before I do things, and to share my wants and dreams. He was a nice guy who loved to help save the day, particularly at work, which lead to him working 60, often 80-100 hour weeks - for years. I'm not entirely sure what brought it on, but he started saying no in very negative, resenting ways to anything I brought to him. It was like he realized I was the only person in his life he could control, so he went gung-ho.

Did these changes really happen suddenly; or do you think there were signs along the way that you initially missed and you only noticed how bad things had become much later on?

There were definitely signs that I missed. Despite overflowing resentment on both sides and a dead bedroom, I was actually mostly happy in our marriage. I never considered divorcing, and thought we had plenty of time to try and figure out what the issues were and work on fixing them. On our 4th wedding anniversary, he came home from work and said he wanted a divorce, along with a good 15 reasons why. He just kept giving reasons, rationalizing his decision, while I sat there in absolute shock. Those love goggles were ripped off, and it didn't take me long to see just how wrong our relationship was. I had missed so many signs, my hindsight was so clear, that it made me question my ability to pick a good man. I went too far in the other direction, and in my current relationship I had a difficult time accepting I'd chosen a compatible partner, and that it was okay to stop searching for signs. To this day it's something I struggle with - the fear that one day the goggles will be ripped off and I'll see the awful mistake I made.

Have you ever developed behaviors/tendencies that the other person considered problematic? (Please list what the problem behavior is/was)

My fiancee will point things out if I start getting into habits/behaviors he doesn't think are appropriate. He had me work on cursing since we'll be trying for children soon, told me that I have a problem with interrupting others when they are speaking, and most recently said I was developing a problem with starting to speak while distracted and after a long pause finishing my thought (so I need to finish what I'm doing, and think before I talk). He'll give me time to think problems over after he tells me about it, and will point it out if he catches me doing it again (it's not in a harsh way, just direct).

What happened that prompted them to approach you with their concerns?

Every now and then I'll ask him if there's something he thinks I need to work on, or if I'm doing anything that consistently annoys him. Self-improvement is a hobby of mine, so I really like having something to fix.

Have you ever issued an ultimatum? If so, what was it? How did they respond?

I did the shameful "marry me or else I'll leave" with my ex-husband. We had been dating for 8 years, and living together for 4, and I was 22. I'd given him so much, so I thought I deserved marriage - that was my whole life plan - marrying him. After losing patience one day, I started packing my stuff and told him that if he doesn't want to marry me, I was going to leave. He starts saying he had plans all along, was waiting for the right moment, and that I had ruined it all. He proposed within the next year, but I never knew if he had lied, or if he'd really had plans. That's the problem with issuing ultimatums.

Has someone ever given you an ultimatum? If so, what was it and how did you respond?

J gave me what could be considered an ultimatum once, but was perhaps more dread. He sat down with me and said he honestly couldn't decide if I was worth marrying, and detailed some of the pros and cons. Jeez, talk about a wake-up call. It was about two years ago and I'd really been slacking on all fronts. I was mortified, embarrassed, scared that I'd lose him. It gave me the biggest kick in the ass I'd ever had. Then a few days later, I got so angry over it all - I had this crazy cocktail of emotions going on and was massively confused. After hamstering for a day, I asked him to to avoid laying that much on me at once - my poor brain couldn't handle it. Now he gives me things to work on in small doses, as they come up - and since finding RPW I've worked hard at keeping the momentum going on my responsibilities. It's paid off, since we're getting married next month. I know it was his decision, and that he takes marriage very seriously. He made sure we were compatible, and that we will make it, so I can enjoy our marriage without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Title	Identifying and Addressing Problematic Behavior(s)
Author	PhantomDream09
Upvotes	12
Comments	5
Date	May 2, 2016 7:34 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4hjcmv/identifying_and_addressing_problematic_behaviors/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/identifying-and-addressing-problematic-behaviors.210034 https://theredarchive.com/post/210034

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