The 'son test' is a piece of theory that I've been working out in a couple of previous threads and when some questions came up about it in iirc chat, I was asked to make an independent thread to discuss it.

In essence, it is a way to do an honest self check to see where certain traits sit on the spectrum of need-want-red flag-deal breaker. We all know during the vetting process, we may excuse some bad traits in favor of other good ones, but over time those bad traits may grow to annoy us, or embarrass us, or anger us. You can try so hard to be the 'cool girlfriend' and try to overlook these traits, but if they are deal breakers for you (or lack of a need), you won't be happy in the long run.

If you believe your son absolutely needs a certain trait, it shows that you highly value that trait (that is a need value for your partner to have). If you think your son should be a certain way, but you wouldn't feel the need to punish him if he wasn't that way, it's a want in your partner. If you think your son should absolutely have no part of a certain thing, that should be something that's a dealbreaker for you because you value it's avoidance. If you would rather not have your son involved in a certain thing, but wouldn't really do anything to stop him, that's probably a red flag for you.

In practice this works because your husband will be the future father and role model for your children. If you want your children to share your certain values, it is your safest bet to find a father with those same values.

In the iirc, someone mentioned that you don't need to have a degree (as an example) to value education, but studies show that the children of families where both parents went to college are more likely to go to college than children where only one parent or neither parent goes to college. If you value education, you need to give your children the best chance to share that value. And by the numbers, the best way to do that is to have your partner with that value. Your husband will be your children's role model, they will pick up his worst habits and his best. Make sure that his worst habits are not something you would have to punish your son for, because if it bothers you that much in a son, its an easy way for resentment to enter your romantic relationships.

As another example, if the idea of your Son smoking pot is terrifying to you, and your husband is a pot smoker, it is more likely that your children will be pot smokers. So use that as an elimination factor during the vetting process. Not sure if he drinks too much? How would you feel about your son drinking that much under the same circumstances? Not sure if he is treating his mother well? How would you feel if your son treated you that way?

It's true that your husband is not your son, so your standard of behavior would be different for each of them. And there would be times you and your husband do things that your rather not have your sons and daughters do. But the 'son test' is a values test. It's not saying that if your husband acts in a way that you wouldn't want your son to act he is a bad father. It's eliminating men that you think will be bad father's from the dating pool before you get to that point. It is saying that if a man you are getting to know acts in a way that would be appalling to you if it were your son, he needs to be nexted.