I see a lot of posts here talking about sex as a “reward” and that women often manipulate men by withholding sex, and that men as a response withhold affection.

I’m a girl and this is honestly blowing my mind. i’ve never used sex as a bargaining chip and ive been friends with mostly women all my life, and i’ve never met someone who operates in this way.

i’ve met a lot of guys who try to manipulate women into having sex with them. but sex can easily be painful and scary for a woman, i think in a different way then men. a woman during sex is kinda at the mercy of the penis- the penis does the work and they usually try to control the speed and depth, which means you really have to trust the person who is penetrating you. when it’s painful it can feel like you are being beaten in the stomach. and i mean BEATEN... like NAUSEATING. it’s a lot harder for women to take control of a sexual encounter just because of the physics. if you aren’t attracted to someone, or if someone is making you feel threatened or insecure it’s really uncomfortable, especially when they just use you as a bag. and especially because it’s so normalized for sex to be uncomfortable for the woman.

sexual pleasure just isn’t as accessible to women because of how sex works. but the only reason why women have sex is for pleasure and intimacy. it’s just not as simple for them-they don’t just put it in someone. they have to trust and be relaxed and comfortable because the vagina receives. and that takes a lot. sometimes i wish i could just have sex with people without all the hang ups.

growing up i’ve always felt like sex was owed to men and it really scared me. it’s suppose to hurt (the first couple times, and maybe awhile after that) and yet you are expected to do it anyways? don’t get me wrong, i love sex. but it’s really taken a long time to get to that point and to meet a partner i really trusted.

i think the reason why women end up having sex with (what is it, the top 20%?) of males is because those males are EXTREMELY manipulative and the most entitled. most women i’ve talked to having a one night stand like this feel weird about it because they felt really really pressured. and it didn’t feel good. men who think they’re attractive can be the worst.

i feel like women who use sex as a bargaining chip are told from a young age that sex doesn’t belong to them, it’s something they provide for men, so of course they would crack down on the only power they have over their bodies. if women are told that they are only their bodies and only good for sex it makes sense that women will be extremely hesitant to have sex with people. they don’t want to “give themselves up” or “surrender”. who likes that? who likes feeling small? it’s easy for women to feel like someone is taking power over them during sex, and it’s really scary. i think that’s why it becomes transactional— because they’re told that at a young age. were told that sex isn’t ours, but we give it to someone. so of course we’d be weary of who were giving it to and why.

i just don’t understand why people are mad that women don’t have sex with them. it’s like saying “why don’t people give me back massages?”.. like why is it owed to you? why are you demanding another person to do something with their body when they don’t feel comfortable? sometimes the way sex is talked about here seems like physical labor.

i don’t see sex/ withholding sex as a power move on the other person, because i don’t want the other person to feel like they are taking power over me. i just want things to be nice and sweet and intimate. not a trade off, but something two people do together when they love each other. i know this might sound mushy, but sometimes reading these debates makes me a little scared of men, like they’re all expecting physical labor from me despite my desires, and that sex is a sort of game. i don’t know any woman who wants to play this game.

what are your thoughts?