Long story short I was raised for the most part blue pill by a single mother and grandma, at different time intervals, although I lived with my dad also at a different time, he was blue pill to the max. Been stuck on my mom since he was 23, he's almost 50. Also when I lived with my father it was with my grandpa because he couldn't get a good enough job to support me and my brother by himself because of his criminal record.

Anyways I wanted to give a backstory so maybe that could explain why I can't let go. It's so hard, and it's not because I'm not trying, it feels like the opposite of that. I read all the trp material I can and I reread it but it just doesn't stick with me when I need to apply it. The old stuff just comes back and I fucking hate it. I am very self-conscious so I can try to fix it but for the most part I fail. (I'm 18, first year community college). Maybe it's my environment as well, living with my mom and not being able to be completely independent and also with a follow spot tech job at the theatre that pays 10 bucks a show, limits my freedom.

Not looking for pity, I had my fill in my Blue pill days just seeking guidance and this is the only place I can think of. I want to rewire myself, I want to forgot all the crap that I believed when I was plugged in.