Background

I grew up red pilled, my Father would make Clint Eastwood look like a pussy. In Latin families, "the boogeyman" is called "el Cucuy", who takes misbehaving children away, when "wait til your father gets home" doesn't work. In my family, my Father was all of the cousins and grandkids "cucuy". Many a cousin have been lifted by their neck and set atop a refrigerator, like a loaf of bread.

Some of his rhetoric fell on my deaf ears, because the world is blue pilled. "See, Billy dad does laundry with his mom and---" WHACK

"You wanna be a faggot, take your faggot ass over there"

The most domesticated thing I ever saw my Father do, was cook a steak, eggs and bacon.

But I also saw the women girls this 60 year old man would pull almost effortlessly.

This past week

I had an issue with the girl from my home state that I have know for a few years, she was just a plate but the situation had me on edge all week. A local FWB gave me an open invite for dinner angling for a Valentine's date, I took her up on her offer the day after VD. After dinner, I sat on the couch, too full to fuck, too lazy to leave I just watched her clean up while mindlessly checking my phone.

A few minutes later, she is sitting next to me awkwardly rubbing my shoulder and asking me about my week. I tell her it was not great, she maneuvers herself to sit behind me and give me a better shoulder rub. I think it is nice to have a female care about you and helps you to relax--without sex enjoying the moment I absentmindedly blurt out "I could get used to this" and as soon as I said that, I felt the imperceptible dynamic shift, that plus, it caught her off guard and she paused with the shoulder rub. "Don't get it twisted, I am not staying the night" and as I said that, I knew I just made it worse. Like a spoiled child demanding something it does not want.

Without turning to face her, I can just feel her triumphant smile. I could try and remedy the situation by fucking her senseless, but I am just off my game, full of food and at best I might nut

aftermath

I got home, I journaled the highlights, and lowlights of the day. Flipped back a few pages and realized I was still letting the girl situation keep bothering me.

I used to disavow anything that didn't go the way I want or expect. Out of sight out of mind. About 3 years ago I started journaling. Mostly because I have had a few motorcycle collisions and a few TBIs even with a helmet. So my memory is shit, my wit is dull, so I had to admit to myself I am old and improving myself doesn't stop just because I have had a few plates come and go.

Edit - somehow I deleted the last section, the above is the gist of what I wrote originally. The takeaway is "always keep improving yourself, if you think you're at the top you're wrong, it is an endless journey"