THE PAST

I don't know how you all do it but I'm slowly getting there. I see so many success stories on here and yet here I stand, only 2 sexual partners 4 years apart (23 yo M). Number one counted as my first girlfriend I suppose. The blue pill in me had too many emotions clouding my judgement to think clearly and I was scared of what I had done with my penis-meaning I thought I wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle sex at 19 (classical blue pill conditioning, pander, pander, pander). It turns out I was just a fucking bitch.

Fast forward 4 years and after squandering all the time at college when I should have been getting laid the most, go figure, I waste all my god damn time on women, nothing short of groveling and making a doormat of my ego, who won't give me the time of day. Oh and I have to settle for sex with an overweight woman to end the 4 year drought. And it fucking hurts; it's infuriating. I'm literally spoon feeding women the affection they "crave" and I get absolute dick in return except a side hug and a fucking pat on the head.

THE PRESENT

Now I'm having trouble separating fact from fiction. I know I can't return to my old blue pill ways, and certainly no one said this was easy (the sidebar is there for a reason and trust me I'm working on it) but fuck me if this way of thinking doesn't flip the entire world on its head.

I'm also trying to avoid becoming cynical; I'm not ready for the pure monk-mode school of thought yet. It is infuriating accumulating all this new knowledge that all groups with slanted views of feminism rebuke and dismiss as petty misogyny. I've been putting small TRP practices to ease myself into it and I cannot refute the results, however small and insignificant they are at my current mindset.

The most vexing thing is wanting to make up for lost time.

To relive the past in some way that utilizes all the principles discussed at TRP. But that is a fool's errand, a folly. The worst thing I can do is cherry pick TRP principles which can lead to a FUBAR situation with a plate or a sexual mistake (which may happen unless I can control my frame and emotions).

THE FUTURE

I, you, any male, has to think with the right "head". I can only try to look forward and force the rest of this fuckin horsepill down my esophagus. I'm going to start lifting again soon. I may have to adhere to MGTOW for a while as well, just to get my head screwed on straight. It's a daily fight gents, I'm dodging blows right now until I've gained the strength to swing back.

Thanks for all the posts and help - bigchiefmsu

EDIT: Formatting, clarity