Sudden clarity on relationship dynamics

Hey ladies,

I'd like to share my story here because TRP and especially this subreddit helped me understand some important relationship dynamics and will hopefully help maintain my awesome marriage.

I was born in Poland and been raised quite conservatively. Although I've had some feminist views during my college time (which I now dismissed completely), I've had this internalized role model for a woman which my parents taught me. So kind of unconsciously I already implemented some of the typical RPW behaviour without really knowing it - for example not badmouthing your SO. I never did this and could never understand how other woman would gladly gossip about their SO. Looking back now at the last few years, some things seem so clear now, so I wanted to share this here :)

I was in a LTR for 4 years before I met my husband. I met my ex when I was 18, he was a classic beta. He did everything for me, never made a decision, couldn't get a job and let himself go physically. Always talked about how he had no problem with me being the breadwinner, strong women in relationships and equality etc. Nevertheless, the first two years were really nice. Plus, I was really occupied with studying, so I didn't notice many things.

Things started to get nasty in our third year of the relationship. First, I encouraged him. To get a job, to get fit etc. I'm quite sure that I didn't nag at first, but really encouraged. I thanked him for the smallest things, tried to make everything to make him happy etc. But he did nothing so I slowly started detaching from him. The more I strayed, the needier he became. It went so far that I was repulsed by him and he was begging for sex. Well, classic situation. By that time, I started surrounding myself with beta orbiters. Guys that did everything for me but I had no interest in any of them, they were just there to entertain me. AWALT you could say.

But all of that made me not happy. The worst part was that my SO criticized me for being too feminine. Being raised by a very feminine woman, I became a very feminine woman myself and such comments from him hurt me very much. I just love being feminine. I love dresses, heels, having my nails done, my long hair, makeup etc. I love cooking for my man and I always knew that I wanted to get married sometime and have children. And my ex criticized me for that. One time he told me to man up and stop being a fucking Stepford wife. Well. I then told him that if he would be a real man, I wouldn't need to man up in this relationship. As you can imagine, I dumped him not too much later. Funny thing is, as I started reading TRP and RPW I noticed how this story could have easily been posted on /r/DeadBedrooms or /r/relationships and would have got tons of BP advice.

Fast forward two years after the breakup. In the meantime I focused on my job and on myself, tried to be the best self I could achieve. I started to exercise, had finally enough time to start sewing and was simply a very happy single girl. I had one or two dates in that time, but no ONS because I'm really not the type for that.

And then I've been at a bar with two friends and suddenly noticed this incredibly handsome guy. I could not take my eyes off of him and of course he noticed and we started talking. The chemistry was just awesome and we started dating. It didn't take long and I was his official girlfriend. It took me like only three weeks to notice that he was solid A Captain-Material (of course, back then I had no idea about Captains/FOs), but I knew that this guy just had everything. I was madly attracted to him.

One year later, he asked me to marry him and I was the happiest girl on earth. We married a few months later and everything was awesome. And still is. I really appreciate that he is an Alpha male with some beta traits. And he appreciates it very much that I am a very feminine woman that is willing to be led by him.

A few months ago I then stumbled across TRP and RPW. And I finally understood some very important things that made me really insecure about this relationship. For example: After like 6 months or so, we had our first big future talk. Like marriage and family and children and stuff like that. And he told me that he absolutely wanted to get married and have children, but that he also needs a partner which is willing to go this path with him on his conditions. Ok. Just a few weeks before that, he had told me about his previous relationships. He was very open about it, telling me how he had a few short relationships and one time two girls at the same time which he didn't want to be his girlfriends, but it was fun having them around (sure, I knew what "having them around" really meant...). You can't imagine how insecure I felt. How can a man who wants a family have a past like his? That really had me thinking for quite some while. Same thing with the proposal. Although it made me really happy, I still wondered why someone like him with a few short relationships suddenly decided to make such a commitment? And how could I have a relationship with someone like that? Such behaviour would never possible for me! How could I accept this in my partner? (See: Classic men and women are equal stuff. They just aren't.)

And it took me quite some reading here and on TRP to understand all of this. They just weren't worth his time. Reading about game and plates really made me realize this. And I hope I don't sound very arrogant at this point, but I think he decided to make this commitment to me because I am - without really knowing it - a RPW. And in his mind, this is how a relationship should work. And this is also my perfect image of a relationship, so you could say it just clicked. And all the other things over at TRP which the guys over there advice each other: My husband does them instinctively. Reading RPW I also realized how great I was at shit testing. And how great my husband was all the time at passing those shit tests. No really. I read so many stories about all that RP behaviour and most of the time I just had to nod very strongly :D

And reading about the Captain/First officer thing - well that's exactly how our marriage works. And it makes us both very happy.

So what I wanted to state here: RP is really a thing. Ladies, don't waste your time on someone who has no potential on becoming a captain (really! Don't.) Once you find your captain, be your best self for him and don't doubt his commitment :)

[–]Thirtysomethink5 points6 points7 points 10 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link

[–]thisisophelia[S] 4 points5 points6 points 10 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

Sure :) So we met at a bar and of course he approached me, not the other way around. We talked a lot that evening, but I had to get up early the next morning, so I decided to leave about 1am. Before I left, he simply told me that he will take me out the next weekend and that he'll need my number to do so. Of course I agreed. We texted a bit, but not too much, mainly to set the date for the date. We still don't text a lot, mainly for organizing things.

On the first date, we went to a fancy cocktail bar. He would not tell me upfront where we would be going, but I texted him that at least I needed to know if I'll dress casual or if I'll dress up...of course he told me to dress up. Few months later he told me that he liked how I was interested in being dressed appropriate, because most girls don't care about such things. So, on our first date we had some drinks, talked a lot and found out that we like the same things (books and an almost eerily similar taste in music).

We had a good chemistry, the evening was wonderful and as we parted, he gave me a hug. Afterwards he texted me to make sure I got home safely.

We again texted a bit and he asked me out again for the next weekend. This time we went to a restaurant. It was in November, it was very cold and snow was falling. So we were at this cozy restaurant, talked again a lot, but he started to be more aggressive while flirting with me.

For example, he started teasing me. Just a bit, but enough to create a certain tension. Plus, he noticed how I was looking out of the window because it was snowing (I love winter and snow!), then suddenly paid, took my hand and told me "Let's go for a walk in the snow." It was wonderful, just like in a fairytale. The complete city seemed so silent due to the snow and we walked around the city like two hours and talked and giggled and he almost never let go of my hand. After he walked me home, we said goodbye at the doorstep. I think he wanted to kiss me at that point, but I was too overwhelmed in that moment, so I just pressed my head against his chest :D

Things escalated quite quickly after that I would say. On our third date, I brought him a present. We were talking about homemade food and he told me that he loves homemade marmelade and since I'm very fond of my cooking skills, I decided to bring a jar along. First I thought, that it was kind of silly, but it also felt right with him. So I hand-lettered the label and gave it to him. You should have seen his face :D I could tell that he was really touched by that but only for a glimpse and then he said something like "Oh great, we'll have that for breakfast after we wake up in my bed tomorrow." Well, but not that night ;) The third date ended with him taking my face in his hands and kissing me for what felt like an hour. When I got home that evening, I downed a glass of wine because I was so hyper that I couldn't sleep.

Finally, on the fourth date (we knew each other for four weeks then, we texted a bit and talked on the phone a few times when he was out of town), we ended up having sex. It was not planned that way, we wanted to go eat something and afterwards go to the movies. But since they weren't showing one single interesting movie back then, he invited me over to his place. We started to watch a movie, but we were soon occupied with heavy kissing. Funny thing is, that I would have considered myself very sexual before that. I was never really keen on having sex. But on that evening, I could not wait to get in his pants (and that's still the case today ;) ), so I was very happy when he made the first move. The sex was incredible. And it felt perfectly right. He didn't rush me into anything, it just felt right at that moment.

The next morning, he told me that he haven't been dating anyone else since he first saw me. It was Saturday and he said that he wanted me to meet his friends that evening. And that's when we became exclusive, because he introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend. And just a few days after that, he was at my place and his father called and asked what he was doing. He then looked at me, smiled and said "I'm at my girlfriend's place." And then I knew that this was really serious.

So our initial dating phase was only four weeks or so. I think one aspect of this very short phase was that we talked a lot on our dates. Not only your usual smalltalk, but serious things like family, future plans (not together obviously, but how each one imagined their future), values (very important!), career goals and stuff like that. So we knew pretty fast that we were on the same track. Some time ago, he told me that he knew after two weeks or so that he found someone special with which he could imagine building his life. Yeah, same for me and that was it.

Sorry for the very long text again, but since our dating phase was so short, I'd thought I could go into detail (hopefully you've had a good read at least :) ) Feel free to ask questions, if you are interested in any specific details!

[–]code5fun1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Thirtysomethink0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]thisisophelia[S] 4 points5 points6 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Haha, besides of the sex thing, I would definitely tell my kids about that :D But I get your point.

You're correct with the committing after sex. My opinion on that is to trust your guts. With my husband, I had the feeling that it was total reasonable after only four weeks. I never had the feeling that his only goal is to have sex with me.

I rejected other guys in the past, so I knew that it was something that I also wanted and so it just made sense at this point. My honest opinion? If I was a guy, I probably would not commit without having sex with a girl upfront. I don't know, it just tells you so much about chemistry I think.

Of course I already talked to my husband about this. And he kind of agrees with me that this strongly depends on the person. But some points that he mentioned:

As a woman, don't try to get to have the man to have sex with you. Be modest until your first time with him. (I laughed at him at this point and said that this was quite obvious ;) ). Don't be the one pushing. The woman he had before always tried to please him by offering sex to him in every possible way and he was repulsed by that (not sexually, but there were no wife material to him). But once you've made that step in the relationship, he will gladly accept sex :D
A man kind of senses if a woman wants to have sex or wants to have sex with him. He told me that he absolutely knew when he could initiate sex with me because he felt that I wanted him and not just sex.
My husband would have not committed before sex. He said that sex is such an important aspect of a relationship that he could not have imagined making a commitment and afterwards seeing that the girl is not enthusiastic about sex with him.
No sex on the first date. Also no drunk first time sex. Because that devalues "his achievement" :D

I hope this gave some insights!

[–]Thirtysomethink1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]code5fun1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]Thirtysomethink2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]code5fun0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

Maybe I can give some examples of the traits that I've found important and learned afterwards that they are so called alpha traits:

He has clear goals in life and is persistent in achieving them. Take for example career stuff: A guy who is around 30 and has had a few jobs, but never made it in one of those and his only goal is to get another mediocre job: Not very alpha.
He is a leader. For example, if his parents are a bit older or his siblings are a lot younger than him, he takes the responsibility for them and leads them. This was a clear sign for me that he could also lead his own family
He tries to be the best man he can be (physical, intellectual and career wise)
He is interesting and has always something to talk about (and this is not gossiping about other people, but talking about things). This has a lot to do with man having their own interests and the ability to really pursue their interests.
He is humble. He never brags about accomplishments, because he know that everyone else will notice them anyways.
He can take decisions. Let it be where to go eat or whether you stay at his or her place. Someone who won't be able on such small decisions will never be a good captain when it comes to truly difficult decisions.
Helping others was such a big aspect for me. My husband will help his friends and his family whenever he can. All his friends turn to him when they need advice, because they know that he can handle difficult situations.
I think also reliability is an alpha trait. In the sense of "a man of his word". For example: If my husband agreed to help a friend moving, he will be there to help and won't have any excuses on the night before
Never blaming anyone else for the decision you make and your behaviour. This was especially important for me. I know so many guys that will start to whine about things that don't go well although they could easily change that. Maybe an everyday example for that. Last week, my husband and some of his friends decided to have some beers on a Thursday, everybody had to work the next day. Nevertheless, they had fun and had a couple of beers to much. The next day, we had lunch with one of those guys and his girlfriends. And the other guy complained all the time how everybody else had talked him into drinking the last two beers and how miserable he was. His girlfriend rolled eyes at that all the time. My husband on the other hand (who was not less miserable that day :D ) did not complain, but just said "It was not the smartest idea to drink until 3am on a Thursday, but we had an awesome guys night out" Well you decided to go out drinking on a weekday, then stop complaining that you need to work with a hangover the next day.

I think that were some of the most important alpha traits from my female perspective that have nothing to do with how an alpha interacts with woman, but how an alpha handles his own life.

[–]code5fun0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]thisisophelia[S] 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

While that may sound easy, I think it's hard to implement in everyday life.

I've known a lot of guys in college (as stated before, I had a lot of Beta orbiters), I have a lot of male relatives and I also now see the friends of my husband and I cannot name one that has these traits. I think especially the aspect that others turn to you when they seek help is a big alpha trait that cannot be faked.

And I really can't tell you if I would consider Richard Feynman as alpha, because I don't know who he was in his everyday life. I think it's very hard to tell if prominent men are alphas or not, because you see a lot of alpha traits only if you're in personal contact with those men (at least that's my opinion).

Of course, success is a strong indicator, but I also know a lot of male colleagues in my job that are successful in their job, but otherwise are very insecure and needy when it comes to woman.

[–]Thirtysomethink0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]nuttinbuttin0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Title	Sudden clarity on relationship dynamics
Author	thisisophelia
Upvotes	32
Comments	15
Date	April 26, 2016 3:40 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/4gjdvv/sudden_clarity_on_relationship_dynamics/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/sudden-clarity-on-relationship-dynamics.2402 https://theredarchive.com/post/2402

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