So, I recently turned 26, in well above-average shape for a modern woman with a very nice face. I would say I’m physically about an 8 or 9, although I notice myself getting less attractive by the month. I have a full-time, fairly well-paying job (I’ve noticed this doesn’t matter) working with kids with mental health problems (I’ve noticed this does matter). I not only can’t keep a man to save my life, but I can’t keep a man interested in me to save my life. I have the genetic gifts that make high SMV possible but my personality is maybe a 3 as far as what men find attractive.

I had a very difficult childhood which involved extensive sexual abuse. I have no relationship with my father, and a bad relationship with my mother, who is 50+ lbs overweight and living on government disability and her husband’s income; he clearly resents the hell out of her. My attachment pattern is very anxious and needy. It’s been unbelievably difficult for me to admit this but I am a crazy girlfriend. I tend strongly to be jealous, clingy, demanding, even verbally abusive toward the men I date. I am the type of woman who will call a man 30 times leaving frantic, angry messages when he’s not necessarily doing anything wrong but is just a little late or goes out when I wanted him to be home with me, or who will manipulate men into paying attention to me. It has never been hard for me to find high-quality partners; it helps that I’m bright with good social skills and can hold captivating conversations, and I always hold off on the batshit for a while. Men fall head over heels for me at first. Keeping them is another story, though, and I know my window of opportunity to find a lifetime mate will be closing soon.

People who know me well would describe me as a hardcore leftist and an independent feminist. It’s a facade. Truth is, I have a deep, even compulsive desire to nurture; all I want and have ever wanted is to have a family and a home. A simple, happy life. I’ve been with a good man for about a year and a half. Very attractive, physically strong, extremely intelligent, kind, professional and well-paying job with similar values. He loves me deeply but is “not ready” to commit to me and I can’t keep pretending I don’t know why. We recently went to a wedding where I went batshit on him again out of insecurity because I didn’t feel like he was paying enough attention to me, and he went off right back for the first time ever, detailing how unacceptable my behavior and the relationship is and how he feels used and possessed. He’s just been taking it this whole time. It hurt because he is right. I know deep down that everything he said was true.

We are still together, thankfully. My problem is that I just don’t know where to start. Maybe I’ve lost him for good, but I hope it’s not too late for us. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to die alone and childless, and I love my boyfriend and I want to be a good woman for him. I want him to be happy and I know I haven’t been living up to that standard. I want more than anything to do that.

I just don’t know where to start. Can anyone help me? I’m a good cook — better than him, honestly — but he probably does most of the cooking these days, so maybe I should start there. Any tips on neediness and anger or really anything are appreciated; I feel pretty much at a loss for where to begin. Thank you ❤️