To give things some context: I'm a college student, 3/4 year lurker and student of RPW, and am introverted, shy, and conservative by nature. I'm in a new country that isn't exactly culturally alien but isn't home either for the next 2 years. I'm a second generation immigrant back home, and am far more conservative culturally than the average 20 year old girl here, but not as much as say, the average 20 y o girl where my folks are from.

Oh RPW, I'm lonely and stressed out. My closest friends, the people I love, they're all thousands of miles away. I've never been in a place so full of people and talked to and laughed and smiled with so many different people yet felt so alone and lost and just... sad. I miss my family and my friends like no other, and I miss someone I used to be closer to but decided to end it with because I cared for him more than he ever did for me, and he had other priorities to attend to to better his own future. It wasn't in either of our best interests in the long run, but it doesn't make that sense of loss go away. My friends, oh, my friends back home formed an unflinching support system - we all had similar morals and values, similar perspectives on life, and similar priorities. They're like sisters to me and losing them hurts just like it does my own family. Because of the nature of the culture of the folks where I live presently, friends like those aren't going to be easy to find again.

Not having a strong male figure in my life around leaves me feeling unlike myself too. It's always been my dad - he is my rock and the reason why I feel safe comfortable enough to be silly happy unworried me and when he's not around to protect me and take the lead, I am more weary and a bit of a downer. He's the only person I've ever trusted to be physically and emotionally and spiritually strong enough to take on anything and to make me feel... safe, and now that he isn't here, I am sad.

I don't know how to express myself on top of all this. I've never been one to say "I miss you", dear god I do, but I've never been one to be anything but calm and a rock to others. The mere idea of expressing my feelings and getting on the phone or on Skype and letting the hurt show in front of someone else - that scares me like no other. It's not that people aren't nice here, they are, but it isn't the same if you're just being nice to everyone out of courtesy or friendliness, it isn't special, it doesn't go as deep. And male attention or "friendship" doesn't interest or flatter me - I've been more indifferent to it the older I get - deep down I want something much stronger, I want something that is worth putting effort into for a lifetime, someone I can look up to and who's lead I can follow and see as the father of our children. I'm not willing to compromise on that and I don't have patience for anyone who's swallowed the blue pill and tries to convince me otherwise - I quit a 'human rights' class where the lecturer was laying on the feminist, refugee and socialist sympathy thick recently and took up a math/statistics class in its place because I thought the former was a waste of my time and money.

I'm in college now and my folks are laying on the pressure for me to "achieve what you've always wanted since you were a kid" - to do well enough to get into medical school. I understand that they only have good intentions but they don't understand that as much as I want to be a doctor, I don't want to spend my youth studying and working hard for a career when all that ever fills my heart with warmth and happiness is family, not a successful career or all the money in the world. I'm afraid of disappointing them by failing to do well enough but it's not what my heart wants no matter how much I pretend it is. I major in pathology and lab medicine, and if I can get a good enough job to support my family on top of my hypothetical future husband's income while not sacrificing family time for it, it is enough. I've always been happy playing a supporting role to something or someone bigger and more deserving of respect and admiration than myself.

I'm working hard to get good grades and still keep working on myself so I can be a better person and don't mess up my future but deep down there's a big empty void that isn't going anywhere. Oh, I don't know what else I can do. Please give me some perspective and advice where I am left wanting.