“You’re giving me these long pauses pretending you’re torn up about this, but you’re not. You already told me that you don't care about me in a significant way.” "I can't believe you're 25 years old and just said 'catch feelings'." “You’re too much of a pussy to hang up on me.” “Fucking men, dude, what the fuck!” “I thought we were friends. That’s so fucked up.” “You shouldn’t have had sex with me if you didn’t have feelings for me.” “This whole week it feels like you’ve been insulting my intelligence, and it’s tiring.” "You knew how I felt."
I know exactly what I've been doing. I go out with girls, escalate, and keep going on dates with them until I get to have sex. I thought I was doing better. I went on dates where I didn't feel a connection with the girl and then dropped them off at home without making a move. I thanked them for the date the next day and told them I didn't feel a connection without ghosting them. I'm proud of myself for that.
Then I met a girl where I do feel a connection. I escalate on the first date, and she sucks me off in the car. She has issues trusting people but started trusting me over the next month.. I felt a connection with her but knew I didn't have romantic feelings. I didn't communicate this because I didn't want to mess up my the chance of having sex with her. We have sex and then I didn't communicate for the rest of the week. She knows somethings wrong and points out how obvious it is that I was stringing her along because my behavior changed. She says I'm pretending to be torn up about this.. I'm reminded of the parable about the two wolves fighting inside you. Which one wins is the one you feed: https://deanyeong.com/fight-two-wolves-inside/. Part of me is torn up because I don't want to act this way, and I do not have self-control over the other wolf. The other wolf doesn't care.
They say TRP is an "amoral" sexual strategy.. and I've been practicing without thinking about the morality of how I'm violating people's trust. I am repeating past behavior, and I'm worried I will keep repeating it. I don't want to believe that I'm doomed to keep doing the same thing. I'm learning how to be more honest. Maybe I need to make it a rule for myself to not escalate at all for a certain number of dates? Should I tell my dates I'm a fiend and that I have a tendency to string people along for sex if I feel a connection with them? Can I open up with my dates about TRP?
I feel like I need to construct an understanding of what to look for in potential partner: Is there a connection? Are there romantic feelings? What else should I be asking myself and doing? I feel like I need to make a checklist to be careful because my default will be to escalate and not care about her. Perhaps I should make it a mantra: "Does she know how I'm feeling? Are my actions matching how I'm feeling?"
Part of me is torn up, and part of me is not. I'm glad that it's over and that I don't have to keep being uncomfortable hiding my feelings from her. That same part of me is glad that I got to have sex. The other part of me is sad that I seem to keep doing this. That same part of me is glad that it seems like I'm learning and "failing forward"... I'm being more vulnerable, I'm not dragging things out as long if I don't have feelings. How do I keep moving forward? I feel like I'm not dealing with the philosophy of TRP as much as I'm dealing with a lack of emotional intelligence, theory of mind, or proactively caring about women.
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