Just following up for a aftermath of the past two days.

Thursday morning before I typed the first F/R I started my morning still very passive aggressive. That morning is when I found out my debit card wasn’t in my phone in the morning. I had to wake up my wife to find out where she had hid it.

I used a couple swear words because I was annoyed and was still on my I refuse to apologize mode. (Note to self for the future: Yes this action she did was childish, but I can control the way I respond to it).

I go to work basically in Rambo mode, we both aren’t talking to each other except for logistics talking about bills the next day. I was either writing the first F/R, working, or developing a MAP that I want to pursue.

I send a text around 1 PM saying I have an area outing with the managers tonight which I did forget about. Some of the area managers for the job change in the department I want would be there so it was a great chance to network for future jobs.

I go to that and get home around 9PM. I come home and she is jamming to music looking really cute folding laundry on the couch. I go to give her a kiss and she pulls away. I hug her from behind and tell her to dance with me. No go.

I then go to shower (thinking I was just not rewarding bad behavior, but looking at it to day...buthurt and using this behavior passive aggressively) and then get ready for bed. I fall asleep.

She comes in around 11PM and tries to wake me up to talk. Her: “babe, why do you keep skipping the devotion.” “It’s to late for that now, and you didn’t seem to be in a talking mood so....” “What are your plans for tomorrow?” “I’m going to get a haircut, then I’m going to work for some mock interview stuff, then depending on when that’s done we can do something” “Ok, well if that’s the case...I’m just gonna go out for the day with one of my friends.” “OK that’s fine.”...as I turn my back away from her to go back to sleep. Her: “... idk what has gotten into you but I don’t like it “ she rolls over to and we go to sleep.

Friday morning:

I wake up at 9AM then set off to go about my day. 10 minutes otw to the barber my wife calls me on FaceTime.

“Why didn’t you kiss me goodbye or tell me you were about to go.” “I didn’t want to wake you up” “That’s BS you kiss me every morning, you are just acting like an A-hole.” “Ok...well that may be true but I have stuff I needed to do today to get ready for drill and this interview next week, I told you that last night.” “Yeah, and I could have came with you since I need to get my nails done and there is a place right next to your barber shop, then I could come with you to sit in on your mock interview so I could have helped you prepare as well this weekend and do extra ones with you.” “Well why didn’t you say this last night?” “Because you don’t care and weren’t trying to talk to me. Like they said in that sermon communication is key” “What do you mean I tried to talk right when I walked...(noticed I was DEERing) NVM, I’m turning around...I’ll pick you up in 10 minutes get ready.

The car ride is quiet on the way to the barber shop, she was playing music for the most part. One of our favorite songs came on and I grabbed her face while lip singing it which made her smile a little. We talk about things on the way to the grocery store and things go somewhat back to normal but I can see she is still somewhat upset throughout us shopping.

We go to my mock interview and end up being there longer than I expected. I had to submit my paperwork up and the email servers go down so I get stuck waiting for them to go back up for 30 minutes. In the meantime my wife is in the corner getting visibly angrier by the second. I make small chat with my co workers until I can send it through then get ready for the game to start.

It starts the second we get into the car and pull out of the parking lot. “WTH took so long, you said it would only take an hour.” “Yes I know babe but the servers went down so there is nothing I could do.” “Ughh...and who was that girl you were whispering to in the back, y’all both kept whispering and she was looking at me funny.” “Babe I get that you think that we were talking about you but we were not” “well I feel that way” I STFU. “Idk if I want to go on a date tonight anymore, you can go to the movie alone or with a friend since you already bought the tickets. I STFU.

We go to some thrift store so she can buy a 70s hat for her nieces 1st birthday the next day. We go into the store and they have some neat stuff in it so I start looking around. Her “Hey Sherlock we came here to look for a hat, not at desks and chairs ” I STFU and see hats in the next isle. I tell her the ones I like and she agrees and we go to checkout. The cashier was a really friendly old lady and we were talking which annoyed my wife, we go back to the car.

“Why do you always have to talk to every stranger you see...it’s annoying.” I STFU. 5 minutes later after silence. “Do you ever just wake up and wish you were single?” “No...why?” “Because it sure seems like it, you have been ignoring me the past couple days, you didn’t kiss me this morning, and you keep doing this silent treatment thing and it’s really pissing me off... we haven’t been communicating well at all. I have felt alone the past few days and I can’t stand it anymore. Just like you have insecurities so do I, you didn’t even tell me I looked good last night.” “Well, maybe I would have but I tried dancing with you and you just played me off.” “nooo...you came inside and tried to kiss me like everything is ok and it’s clearly not. I’m not gonna kiss you or dance with you if you’re acting like an a-hole.”

“Yeah I can understand that and I have felt the same way to, (I gotta admit I was definitely RAMBOing) and there have been a lot of things I messed up on this week that have been on my mind as well as behaviors from you. For example like I said this morning I have been passive aggressive the past couple days and I take ownership of that, but we can’t allow our arguments to get physical anymore. My push is way different than your push etc.” We then re-talk about all the stuff we had already talked about earlier and I explain my MAP i have for the future. She feels like a part of my plan in life again and she feels better.

After that she was mostly good, we went on our date and actually enjoyed ourselves.

We got home from our date and I was about to shave off my beard. She tries bossing me around in a demanding tone saying we need to take sexy photos before I do and to wash the shaving cream off my hands.

“Oh I got a sexy photo for ya” (I try to grab her face with both my hands still fully loaded with shaving cream. She starts squeeling and laughing uncontrollably and starts saying not to get it on her hair, instead I put a handprint of it on her breast) “that looks pretty sexy to me” photo flashes” “OMG I wanted to wear this dress tomorrow, (she frowns). “Cool, lets go try some different ones on so I can rip them off of you.”

I wish I could say that the night ended in sex but she said she wasn’t in the mood because her abdomen was hurting (she actually did say this throughout the day) and we went to sleep.

Takeaways:

  • I think STFU helped out a little since I didn’t say anything stupid. But I do think my wife has some valid points in it. I can’t really get to the root of her feelings if I just sit there and STFU. Normally it always just boils down to she upset and in her feelings, but she doesn’t feel connected if I don’t act like I somewhat care or try to figure out why she is acting crazy.

  • I was still acting passive aggressive Thursday all day and Friday morning and I own that, but I just didn’t want to get into it again either of those nights because I was in a very reactive and negative headspace. How do you pull yourself out of a bad mood? Praying can only do so much in a certain moment, like it makes me feel better but I still have the feelings inside me and they make me act stupid.

Now that the episode is over I can clearly see where I goofed (for example, me going directly to bed Thursday night as a passive aggressive behavior instead of having a conversation like an adult with my wife ) , but in the moment nothing clicks in my head and I think that “going to the room and going about my business” or “not giving her a kiss in the morning because she doesn’t deserve it rn” is not but-hurt and I’m doing the right thing because she started this. Like said in the previous F/R it probably stems from wanting to have the last word or the last laugh and using a whole lot of passive aggression.

  • I did celebrate the small victory of Friday night. That framework seems very similar to some of the other good F/R’s I have read and I need to find ways to cultivate that energy more in the relationship with my wife.

  • Re reading the sidebar today had really helped. Internalizing it will really help me in the long run but I know change doesn’t happen overnight. All I can do is give it to God and do everything in my power to make it work.