For how important it is, this doesn't get talked about nearly enough. It deserves a theory post, but let me start with a bit of a field report. Many of you know that my wife was psychologically crippled by a hyper-conservative, downright manipulative upbringing on the matter of sexuality. It's a lot like this guy and I wrote a lot more of my story in reply to that post here, if you're interested in reading more about just how bad things got.

My wife has had some very hard boundaries because of this - things that I thought we'd never break. Well, I just broke another small one today. Some people feel like it's their obligation to respect their wife's boundaries. I believe it's a husband's job to decide the boundaries. If my boundaries are wider than hers, I need to roam in the gap that's inside my boundaries and outside of hers to make her leave her boundary to come find me.

But I'm getting all theory-like again, so let's dive into the fun part.

My wife is overly modest, as I'm sure you could guess from the above. Even in private, she struggles with feeling like it's okay to wear sexy lingerie, though she'll do it now. We've actually made incredible progress with what she's willing to do when the lights are out. But even worse is any form of immodesty in public or where evidence could be left behind, like pictures or video, or any type of touching or flirting at the mall, at church, taking a walk down the street, etc.. So, sexting has always been out. I've tried a number of times before and it's usually crashed and burned.

Well, she's been out of town on business. A WORK function? That's pretty much the most "unsafe" place to do any type of dirty texting at all. But she's coming home tonight and I'm, I'm sure you could guess ... excited. So, it's time to feed my excitement for my wife a little bit.

This took place during a training class she's in - very public.

"I survived my meeting. Now in my last one."

"My plane lands at 615"

Glad to hear it went well.

I'll see you tonight <kiss emoji>

Send pics

<crying with laughter emoji>

<pic of her face drinking coffee>

Too high. Pan the camera down a bit.

<pic of her from the chest up; totally modest; hand conspicuously in front of her chest>

"Better?"

There's something in the way.

"You're terrible"

<wink emoji>

I then unbuttoned the top of my shirt, flexed my pecs, and took a pic of me doing a kissy face with some muscle-cleavage (making sure my co-workers didn't see, of course).

That's how it's done.

"Ow ow!!" <hearts popping out of eyes emoji>

"You are making me laugh out loud"

Now it's your turn.

[5 minute pause]

She sends a pic with a different background (she must have excused herself from the class) with her having a smirk and showing off her cleavage.

<hearts popping out of eyes emoji>

"What can I say ... you married one hot lady"

I'll make you feel even hotter tonight.

She sends an animated picture of a woman swooning with the word "SWOON" written across the top in big letters.

Now, this might not seem like a big deal to many of you, especially if your wife is already sending nudes or talking dirty ... but if you knew where I was coming from (read the comment I linked above), your jaw would be dropped. It's one thing to get her doing new things in our private bedroom, but now I've got her thinking about sex in public, sending texts and pictures in a room where people might oversee, and willing to do it in a form where I could (theoretically) post that picture online, to facebook, whatever. Obviously I won't, but our sexuality and her trust in me is worth that risk to her now. Just a few months ago when I tried a similar trick, it wasn't.

My point here is twofold: (1) be persistent. Just because it didn't work in the past doesn't mean she won't wise up to it later. (2) If your wife's boundaries aren't already fully aligned with yours, keep pushing.

My wife doesn't feel "degraded" that we had this conversation today. She doesn't feel like I'm manipulating her. She's happy. She likes feeling desired. Based on our last phone conversation (about logistics issues a la the airport), I get the sense that she's a bit excited and has that "I feel naughty. Is it really okay I just did that? I kind of liked it, but I'm not sure if I should have" attitude. This is where she needs to be. I can't lead someone who has already made up their mind about what they will and won't do. I can lead someone who is in a state of happy uncertainty.

Note that I wasn't demanding nudes or asking her to flash me. That's so far past her boundaries right now that when I've tried it in the past she took it as a joke and sent a joke picture in reply. This time I started small - something that I knew would be uncomfortable for her, but that she couldn't possibly play off as a joke. She had to take me seriously and it forced her into a decision: have fun, stretch her boundary, and respect my request ... or defy me and try to play it off as a joke ... or stall me until we were in a context that fell within her boundaries. I'm glad she chose the first option ... and here I am at work with a raging boner hiding under my desk.

OMG! And you call yourself a Christian ... talking about having a raging boner at work. The power of Christ compels, you, sinner!!!

If that's your reaction ... that's why I also just wrote a post on being a jerk Christian.