How to approach sex in the first weeks of marriage

rocknrollchuck · 2018-05-06T14:57:40+00:00

The bible tells us that one can have sex with his/her spouse whenever he/she pleases.

The bible tells us that one can have sex with his/her spouse whenever he/she pleases. So biblical speaking the husband (and the wife) could intitiate sex whenever he feels the desire for his wife.

Yes, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is the biblical guideline on this:

3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

This is biblical and correct. Neither is to refuse sex to the other. Period. And since the Bible gives the authority of your spouse's body to you and vice versa, if we are following the Scriptures then we actually give up our rights to our own bodies. So our spouse now has the rights to our body, and we have the right to our spouse's body. We have in effect given up the right to refuse sex. With that being said, it is wise to consider other factors as well. Obviously if your wife has a cold and a cough with a runny nose, Christian love for her would be such that it would probably be advisable to wait a little. There always needs to be a balance between love and our rights.

(One might even consider intiating sex in the first weeks more often than one likes, in order to set a high standard when it comes to frequency.)

This a great idea, but I am of the firm opinion that it is just as important to set your sexual expectations before marriage as well. I would discuss this in detail, even including what acts you expect. This leaves no room for ambiguity after you are married.

But is it advisable from a RP perspective to intitiate whenever he likes, maybe even regardless of whether his wifes feels like it in the particular moment?

Yes and no. Yes, initiate whenever you like. Yes, your wife's body is yours to do with as you please within the bounds of Scripture. But love is the higher calling here, and so your love and concern for her should be the deciding factor in whether to proceed at the time or not. If you're not sure what to do at the time, always err on the side of love and concern for her.

Obviously this could end up working against you if she's always like "Not tonight, I've got a headache", so Christian wisdom and discernment is needed in these situations. The best solution is to vet her well beforehand for character and sexual willingness and enthusiasm. It is much easier to show love and understanding to a "Not tonight" response from a wife who is generally sexually responsive than it is to a wife who uses this kind of excuse on a somewhat regular basis.

Deep_Strength · 2018-05-06T05:19:56+00:00

I've written about this before on the side of discussing sex and virginity with a potential spouse as well as how to communicate sexual desire in a relationship.

I think it's easy for Christians to go all "purity culture" prior to marriage, but it's important for both husband and wife to know that your sex drive is good and that it's going to have a healthy outlet in marriage. You both should want to have sex with each other! Obviously, discussing the particular relevant Scriptures such as the marital debt in 1 Corinthians 7 is important as well.

I did all of the above, and my wife has not yet once denied me sex since we got married. Of course, it goes the other way too where I don't deny her sex if she wants it. We also give each other grace if we're actually too tired or other life circumstances.

If you're the leader of the marriage and she is submitted to you and the Scriptures, things will work out fairly effectively. It's when the relationships go awry from ignoring yellow or red flags or not actually choosing a good follower where things tend to go wrong.

Red-Curious · 2018-05-07T18:59:09+00:00

My first week of marriage was a rough one. My wife came in with a lot of psychological conditioning with a negative attitude about sex. As she recounted on our honeymoon:

"I was only ever told two things about sex all my life: it's sinful before marriage and it hurts a lot. That's how my parents and my church controlled me. Because I was never married until yesterday, my only context was thinking 'sex = sin.' I know it's not sin anymore, but I've spent the last two decades where it was sin for me."

And yes, it was painful for her too. Her parents never even let her wear tampons because it was "sin" to have anything in her vagina. As such, there was no stretching and it was highly uncomfortable for her to have anything inside of her. We were not able to have sex the first two nights of our honeymoon.

This set a very, very, very bad precedent. It took close to a year before the pain went away, and even today if she ever goes longer than a week without sex (which used to be often) there was an intense pain for her when we did have sex again. I'm pretty confident that she had a form of vaginismus, which is a predominantly psychosomatic condition.

How to deal with it? I have no idea. Most people don't deal with these types of problems, but they do happen and there are no clear biblical guidelines for handling it. I took the extremely cautious route, which was my first real introduction to a beta mentality with my wife. This established a precedent that sex was about making things as comfortable for her as possible and minimizing pain. Later on in our marriage she commented, "I wish we had done things differently - that you had just forced it so that we wouldn't have set such a bad precedent for our whole first year of marriage." I can't say for sure which was was better other than to note that the RP Christian (as opposed to secular guy) must be mutually aware of her pain while also leading her down a path that will be fruitful for long-term sexuality, despite the short-term pain. Hopefully you never have to deal with that awful balance.

One might even consider intiating sex in the first weeks more often than one likes, in order to set a high standard when it comes to frequency

That won't work. Most women take the first weeks as a honeymoon period and expect that it will die down. You'd have to make it more like the first 2 years for her to develop an actual expectation that this is how it's going to be long-term.

Even if you do plan on backing down a little, if you play games like this up-front, as long as it's short-term she's always going to set her own expectation as the default and assume you will revert to her expectation.

The better plan is for the man simply to initiate with her as often as he wants and to develop a solid frame if/when she rejects him. This isn't about manipulating your wife into a certain frequency; it's about becoming the type of man who knows what he wants and goes for it.

But is it advisable from a RP perspective to intitiate whenever he likes, maybe even regardless of whether his wifes feels like it in the particular moment?

Absolutely. I played the "wait for my wife to want it too" game and it's a crap blue pill game that doesn't work. Eventually, over time, the wife will just never want it. Why? Because women have a cyclical sexual pattern and if you teach them that they have control over sexual frequency they will match it to their own pattern, learn to feel comfortable denying you, and then in the 3 or so days that they're ovulating and otherwise would want sex, if they sense anything negative from you at all, they'll end up denying you anyway, pushing you into becoming her BB. In essence, you'd be training her not to be sexually attracted to you so that even on days when she would want it, she'd rather pass it up still. This is the fast track to a dead bedroom.

Women are very in-the-moment people. Whatever their current emotions tell them defines their reality, including when they look to the past and the future. If they're in a crummy mood now, they're going to look back on even their best sexual experiences with you with negative feelings. If they're in a good mood and feeling sexual, then they'll look back at their past sexuality - and prospectively toward future sexuality - very positively and desirously.

Simply put, if you want your wife to enjoy having sex with you, you have to initiate with her frequently. The more often she has sex with you, the more she will learn to enjoy it. The more she enjoys it, the more she has positive associates with those memories. But if you let that lapse for too long, she fades into neutrality and ultimately negativity about her sexuality, including her memories of having sex with you, which then makes it harder to get her sexuality going again.

The solution is obvious: engage regularly and often so that she maintains a positive attitude about sex. This is good for both you and her and is biblical (1 Cor. 7:5).

BluepillProfessor · 2018-06-18T20:29:06+00:00

is it advisable from a RP perspective to intitiate whenever he likes, maybe even regardless of whether his wifes feels like it in the particular moment?

Part of her attraction to you is that you "know" her so the answer is no, absolutely not. You do not initiate when you know the wife is not feeling it. You might use that time to build affection, hug, hold but this is not a damn contest. No need to get bladder infections your first month together. I mean you can...if you want. There just isn't a good reason for it.

Once you demonstrate this awareness, that is when you can convince her to finally surrender to you as the Bible requires and let you decide when and where it happens. This is the biggest victory you can get out of early marriage but it requires a soft and delicate touch.

Reminds me of the joke about the 2 Steers. The younger one says "Hey don, let's run down into that valley and trap one of those phillies and bang her.

The other one says "No kid, let's WALK down into that valley and bang all of them.

Title	How to approach sex in the first weeks of marriage
Author	cornthians12345
Upvotes	5
Comments	14
Date	May 5, 2018 11:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/8hb7l0/how_to_approach_sex_in_the_first_weeks_of_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/how-to-approach-sex-in-the-first-weeks-of-marriage.301934 https://theredarchive.com/post/301934