BASIC ROLES

Most Christian men have been raised with the, "Let me run that by my wife first" mentality. In response, women have taken a liking to having the power. In fact, God told us they would:

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.

That word for "desire" is teshukatech, which is the same word used a chapter later in Genesis 4:7

Sin is crouching at your door; its desire [teshukatov] is for you, but you must master it

Notice the stark similarities in these two phrases spaced only a single chapter apart? The man must treat his wife's desire to boss him around as a sin that he must attain mastery over.

To put it bluntly: Men are to lead; women are to help.

DESIRE

Desire is an emotional investment in an object or outcome. God designed both genders to have desires, but women in particular are more susceptible to making decisions based on desire. Even before the fall and the curse, the serpent saw God had created woman this way and used it to his advantage, tricking Eve instead of Adam (see also 1 Timothy 2:13-14):

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate (Genesis 3:6).

Interestingly, Eve's desire to rule over Adam is dictated as a product of the curse. This makes me think that Eve's original desire actually was for Adam to to rule over her and that she be his helper, as God declared. For this reason (as confirmed by pragmatic observation of marital satisfaction issues in my practice of divorce law), I am fully persuaded that women have two irreconcilable desires: (1) a husband who will lead her, and (2) power to make her husband give her everything else she wants.

In traditional thinking, these conflicting desires are mutually exclusive. If she lets her husband lead, she loses her power to control getting everything else she wants. If she takes back that control, she may get all those other things, but she no longer has a husband who will lead her. In biblical thinking, the husband will lead in a way that will naturally satisfy most of the wife's other desires as well because he loves her. But this is done on his authority and not her demands.

MAN V. STUFF

A woman must choose between her desire for her man or her desire for other stuff. When a woman takes control of a relationship, she is communicating, "My comforts are more important than having a desirable husband." When she cedes control to the man's frame she communicates, "I desire you more than my comforts."

Although women must make this choice, it's important to recognize that the ultimate decision is the man's to make. If the man refuses to lead her, her decision to let him lead is worthless. She will still not be fueled by her desire for him. If the man does lead appropriately, even if she does not want him to, his God-given authority gives his frame an advantage over hers and he will win if he persists. The reason the woman must make the choice is because this determines how happy she will be living in light of the context that the man has set for the marriage.

We must remember that a marriage is about the people, not the stuff. Although a woman may be happy because she controls her man to get all of the other stuff she desires met, virtually all of these women openly acknowledge that they do not feel secure in the marriage itself. Most such women would readily acknowledge, "I have a good life, but an unsatisfactory marriage." For the marriage to work, the primary desire must be for the person and not all the other stuff.

Here's where it gets difficult: A man cannot make himself desire his wife, nor can a woman make herself desire her husband. Instead, we must make ourselves desirable to one another. From here, it is essential to recognize that healthy marriages require mutually supported efforts toward self-improvement. The previous post (101) explains how fitness is one basic way we can start moving in the right direction.

BASE ATTRACTION

God gave the command to "be fruitful and multiply" before the fall. In order to ensure this command would be followed, he gave us all libidos. In order to ensure our libidos did not hinder us from doing everything else he put us on the earth to do, he made our libidos dependent on our actual fulfillment of those duties and our ability to let the other person fulfill their duties in the context of a relationship with us. When Adam and Eve became sinners, they lost the ability to trust their natural impulses because of the new sinful nature. To help set things right, God articulated the curse as a clarification of our duties:

Women are to bear healthy children and help their husbands, who would lead them. Men are to work hard to provide what is necessary for life and lead their wives.

A person is considered "attractive" if they have the appearance of: (1) being able to fulfill their duty, and (2) being able to let the other person fulfill their duty also.

Physical beauty is a sign of a woman's ability to bear healthy children (her duty). Most widely acknowledged standards of beauty are also expressions of frailty, showing a need for provision and protection (letting him fulfill his duty). Although a female body-builder is extremely physically fit, most men do not find her giant muscles and bulging veins attractive because it subconsciously implies that she does not need the man's leadership, provision, and protection. They tend to partner with men who are even more physically fit than they are (elements of hypergamy here, to be discussed later).

Physical fitness and a history of being a hard-worker are attractive on a man because they are expressions that he will continue to work hard to meet her and the children's needs and provide what is necessary for life (his duty). A video game nerd or porn addict are not attractive to women because these men defer to fantasy worlds for life experience rather than looking to real women for reproductive acts and being a helper (letting her fulfill her duty).