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DEERing? DAREing? Something else?

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October 20, 2019

Need help categorizing this one. Wife is upset about a great many things. Talking about how she doesn't feel valued because she didn't get her way about going to church at 930 vs 11. In this conversation, she says something about eating last all the time which is patently absurd. She eats last 25% of the time at most. I pointed out that in the last 24hrs even, I held our sleeping son while she ate her whole meal at a restaurant yesterday and cooked breakfast for everyone this morning and everyone was half done eating before I was even done cooking mine. Is this Deflecting or just shutting someone down when they're saying the sky is purple and the moon is made of cheese?

I think STFU wouldn't work here because it implies that I can't disagree with her because she's right. Then not addressing it just reinforces her feelings about how she's so neglected and "always" has to eat last?

Post Information
Title DEERing? DAREing? Something else?
Author Iseeitnow7
Upvotes 3
Comments 10
Date 20 October 2019 08:05 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Original Link
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[–]Willow-girl2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

You can't fix people's feels with facts.

[–]Iseeitnow7[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm learning this. Really really slowly, but I'm learning.

You tell your man you hate it when he robs banks. He doesn't actually rob banks. He hits you with STFU. You are now thinking what?

[–]Willow-girl3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not sure STFU is especially useful here. You have to go to the heart of the matter. What is she really saying? That she feels unimportant, unappreciated, etc.? That's what you need to fix -- her feels, not her (evidently incorrect) perception of the situation. Is she important and do you appreciate her? Express that! Tell her that she is loved, not that she's wrong.

[–]mrpmonk0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]SkimTheDross2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

I pointed out...

That’s one of the E’s in DEER. You were explaining.

[–]Iseeitnow7[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Hm. I thought Explaining was explaining myself. As in I did something she didn't like and I explain "I did X because of Y"

Or is that Defending?

[–]SkimTheDross0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Have you read NMMNG? I didn’t see much in the way of reading on your OYS.

[–]Iseeitnow7[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Listened to it on audible about 6 months ago. Probably should at least buy it for Kindle so I can look stuff up more easily. I also read several books in a short time back then and have a hard time remembering which book was which. I'm due to re-read many of them. Kinda had an obsession phase and alot runs together.

[–]Red-Curious1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're spending too much effort trying to condition your wife. Stop that. You're in her frame, caring too much what she thinks or feels. If your wife thinks the moon is made of cheese, how does that belief stop you from living out your mission? What is your mission, by the way? I didn't see that in your post.

I think STFU wouldn't work here because it implies that I can't disagree with her because she's right

Implies it to who? If you know your own reason, then it doesn't imply anything of the sort to you. If you're talking about what it implies to her, that's textbook evidence of you giving too many craps about what she thinks. This is what I mean by trying to condition her - you're trying to get her to see things from your perspective. Bad strategy.

She will never understand you. I know that's not a true statement, but it's what you need to tell yourself right now in order to get your head out of your butt. She will never understand you. Chant that to yourself for a few days. If you can fully embrace this concept, then DEERing becomes pointless in the first place. Why try to do the impossible? Why try to convince her of something she will never understand?

Now, in reality, we all know that she will understand you sometimes, but not other times. Right now you're living solely for those "some times" and getting inordinately frustrated when those "other times" come up. When you play the DEERing game, that's life. But by embracing the "other times" as all the time, you'll find

  • because you're not forcing your perspective on her, she will be curious about it on her own initiative, which is the starting point of her sliding into your frame

  • because her understanding of your position is genuine from her and not external from you, it's more authentic and leads to greater submissiveness and respect

  • you'll be more prepared to deal with the frequency of her misunderstandings of your perspective because you take that as the norm rather than assuming she must understand you at all times

  • you'll be more pleasantly surprised in those instances where she does see things your way

  • you'll also be more attractive to her because you are becoming a powerful man whose perspective on life and reality does not depend on her, rather than being a peer to her who is always trying to communicate eye-to-eye with her, which only motivates her to fight against you due to her curse from Eve.

No matter how you look at it, this is just a better approach all around.

[–]cdnrpc0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Our baby is teething and sick. Last night she was up several times. My wife threw a few daggers about me being lazy, doing nothing to help. I'd probably mutter some similar nonsense if I had to get up in the middle of the night. I had a ton of good counter-arguments and could've ***pointed out*** "I work in the morning and oftentimes get up 2 hours before you to work out so I can be home with our family in the evenings... I get her up for breakfast while you sleep in.... I get up on nights when I don't work so you should get up on nights when I work... I don't produce milk and that's probably what she wants..." BLABLAH. It would've escalated in to a fight, and sleep for both of us would've suffered.

My wife already knows what she's saying is nonsense, but she feels like it's true because she's tired AF. She knows the deal, and she's welcome to swap me places any day but chooses not to.

I just said "Yeah, that sucks, hope you can catch a nap tomorrow while she naps" and then stfu. 15 minutes later, she was cuddling up to me in bed.

I think STFU wouldn't work here because it implies that I can't disagree with her because she's right. Then not addressing it just reinforces her feelings about how she's so neglected and "always" has to eat last?

Defending yourself implies she has a point, STFU implies her points are ludicrous and do not deserve rebuttal. If you can crack a joke about it first, even better.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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