Like many young men, I fell into the trap of the red pill during a troubled time in my early twenties, when I realized that I wasn't good at attracting the opposite sex. I'm short, not particular good looking and acted very needy in general. Of course, it wasn't really my troubles with women that caused me to think so poorly of myself. The true reason for this lies in my horrible childhood, which was devoid of love, care and peace. Instead I experienced violence, abandonment and sexual molestation. I was suffering from cPTSD when I stumbled upon the manosphere. The red pill was a dysfunctional coping mechanism to deal with my trauma. I had yet to learn more healthy ways of dealing with trauma.

The red pill was a great way to project my hatred of my mother onto women in general. It provided a world-view that instinctively clicked with me, because of the way I experienced female behavior in my childhood. What's more, on a subconscious level it provided me with a justification of why I should avoid sexual intimacy, which was more about not having to deal with the pain of being molested. I never wanted to accept that being molested had such a huge impact on my ability to experience love and that it causes me to wince when I just think about being touched by another person. It always felt like I hadn't control of myself. Although, the red pill further caused me to isolate myself and increased my depression, it was also good strategy to keep those painful emotions and memories at bay.

A few month ago I finally started therapy after the consequences of my life long porn addiction began to seriously interfere with my ability to work and provide for myself. I got really lucky with my therapist, as he is really good at dismantling my materialistic and pessimistic world-view, which influenced by evolutionary biology, antinatalism and, of course, the red pill. He himself used to be very science-focused and became more spiritual over time, so he knows how to gently guide me towards a more spiritual realm, while still remaining evidence-based. We do a lot of EMDR, which is a great way of processing trauma and helps me to gradually come back to life. However, even though I felt relief from my trauma and my depression began to wane, I remained skeptical about a lot of the things he said until recently.

My therapist talks a lot about love and how it is a limitless resource we can access anytime we want and that it doesn't require other people to give it to you. Of course, given that I was influenced by red-pill thinking for years, I had a hard time believing this. I still listened to guys like Stardusk, Spetsnaz, Human and Monday FA, who are very bright people (but nevertheless ideological about the red pill). Like everyone in the manosphere, they promote a worldview that is devoid of love. Even though they do say that you should look to yourself for love, they never sound like they are experiencing this self-love in their day to day life. Instead they come off as very wounded people who promote a world-view that still has men clinging to women for love. And since women are supposedly incapable of giving love, all that remains is a cold uncaring world where undesirable men are disregarded and hated by society. At least that's what I hear when I listen to them.

This was also my world-view until a few days ago when I had my first spiritual experience during a holotropic breathing exercise I did with my therapist. Holotropic breathwork gives cathartic, therapeutic, trans-personal experiences similar to psychedelic experiences induced by LSD and DMT without you having to take drugs. It was very intense experience and fundamentally changed my outlook on life. I had a vision of floating around in space and coming across a spiritual essence pouring love into me. It was the first time in my life, that I experienced love flowing into me. It was like breathing for the first time. While this love was pouring into me, some parts of my trauma were pushed out as well. I cried very hard, but then, after a while, I calmed down and continued to float through this universe of peace and relaxation.

On my way home, people completely changed how they interact with me. Over the past few month I've already became more confident and less needy, but it was nothing compared to what is going on right now. It's like the love I received from that essence is pouring out of me wherever I go and people can sense this. Women in particular are very receptive, moving into my space and wanting my attention. I've got cornered by a woman in the grocery store, who just grinned at me and we remained in a bubbly mood before moving on. In the past I would have gotten annoyed by this. I also sensed neediness from some women who reminded me of myself a few month ago. There are of course some manipulative people, who are taken aback, but they are leaving me alone. They too, reminded me of my former self.

So yeah, I'm a completely changed person. I'm not advocating a hippy lifestyle here. I still think we are bound by evolutionary pressures, but there is also a spiritual plane, that I never had access to before. One that isn't mentioned by the red pill. I no longer feel this doubt that kept me trapped in red pill thinking. I experience love for the first time and is more beautiful than I ever imagined. It's something that I never found in the manosphere, which is full of self-hate, rigidness and forced self-improvement. I can no longer watch youtube videos or browse 4chan without cringing. Instead I found something that is much more gentle, forgiving and offers me the time and space to finally heal myself.

I wrote this mainly for myself, but maybe it's helpful for people who are in a similar situation then I was.