Intro

Praexology · 2020-03-09T15:43:54+00:00

Welcome, see you in OYS.

A good portion of mission for Christ followers is easy. There is a gigantic push for men to have all these individualized mission, but the reality is God commissioned us all to do the same thing - hence the whole "great commission" thing.

Red-Curious · 2020-03-09T16:00:21+00:00

Welcome, brother. Here are a few thoughts:

Read: NNMNG, MMSLP, post series through 200s, plus others.

I know you're still new, but WISNIFG really has to be on this list. With how you describe your ability to handle conflict, this is your #1 greatest need right now.

While I am committed to my wife, it is driven by duty, not by passion.

Given how quickly you got married, pregnant, etc. it sounds like you didn't lack for passion early on. What changed? What would you need to see in her to restore the passion? Do you feel passionate about other things in life? Other women? Or has your capacity for passion faded with time?

If she goes low for her own reasons ... But if there is even a slight reason that it might be my fault

Notice the frame issue here. From what I gather, you're hung up on her perception of you in these moments. I imagine she walks into the room all upset, gives her fake little lines: "I don't want to talk about it" followed by "You'll just get upset and things will be worse," and then you proceed to comfort her and tell her you'll listen, and then as the complaints roll in you realize how irrational she's being, so you start to DEER and she winds up thinking: "See? This is what I knew would happen!"

This is a ploy many women play. The frame issue is that you're worried more about her blaming you than you are about whether or not you were actually at fault. How do I know? Because you DEER. When you DEER, you're trying to convince her that you weren't actually at fault, trying to change her perception of you. But if you are content in your own behavior, you can listen openly - and if you are at fault, you'll learn something and improve; whereas, if you're not at fault, you'll feel no pressure to change. But the minute you start DEERing you enter a game of perception shifting. And when her perception is that turf, who do you think is going to win that battle every time: you or her?

At this point, I am just trying to figure out my mission. I know what parts of it look like, but I can't get the big picture.

Let me describe this for you. Imagine a utopian kingdom. Think of Asgard from the Marvel series (pre-Ragnarok) - highly technological, defenders of the multiverse, abounding in compassion and generosity, all acting in harmony for the good of one another.

Now imagine some tragedy happens - like Thanos' coming - and wipes out the entire population except for a select few. Odin wants to see Asgard restored to its former greatness. He finds bountiful land with sustainable provision for billions - trillions, even - yet there are only a few thousand living there.

You live on Earth as an emissary of Asgard sent by the King to call the evolving race of humanity to become the new generation of Asgardians - and upon entry to New Asgard they will be transformed to be like the Asgardians themselves, down to a genetic level. You see all the pain and suffering on Earth and know that there's this free, open invitation across the bifrost for anyone who would love to live in paradise as an Asgardian, and Odin has given you a specific region of Earth in which you are sent to recruit - and if you fail in this task, you'll have to answer to Odin for why.

You could deflect and say, "This other guy is also in my region and he's better at recruiting than me, so I'll just tell people to go listen to him instead." But you also realize Odin may not be pleased with this abandonment of your personal responsibility to the mission he gave you.

Also, the Kree are recruiting from humanity with lofty promises of fun and pleasure, only to turn any humans who join them into slaves toward the expansion of their own empire. Being an Asgardian, you see that the Kree are tricking everyone and it's only a matter of time before they take more ground. This is why Odin first sent a wave of emissaries in the first place - to save the people from slavery to the Kree, inviting them to the paradise of Asgard instead.

As one of these emissaries and a loyal recruiter of Asgard, where do you start? What's your goal? What plan do you have to expose the lies of the Kree without coming off as a crackpot who has no credibility? You have to make a living because Earth doesn't recognize Asgardian currency, so you have a day job while you're there - and it might not be lucrative, but you know when your mission is complete you'll be unimaginably wealthy in Asgard due to your loyal service. What are you going to do with your life in light of all of this? That's the bigger picture.

I was teasing, she took it to heart, and tells me that I make her feel worthless. I told her that if I thought she was worthless, that I wouldn't waste my time.

I used to give the same reply. It's a mistake. You say this because you think it's what she wants to hear to be comforted. "You are worthwhile! You are valuable!" This communicates: "You deserve my love!"

But she doesn't. And God doesn't communicate these things to us. Instead, he says things like, "While you were still sinners [i.e. worthless], Christ died for you [I loved you anyway]." How much more powerful is that? That God's love for us isn't because we're worth it, but that he loves us even though we are worthless! That's some powerful love. That's a love that can be trusted.

Throughout all of Scripture we repeatedly find things like the list in Romans 3 that affirm our worthlessness and God's total lack of need for us. I started communicating this to my wife at one point in my journey: "I don't need you." It confused the heck out of her and she hated it for a time, before realizing the corollary: "But I'm still here because I want you."

You see, if you need her - if she is of such great value to you that losing her would somehow hurt you - then it is impossible ever to distinguish whether you appreciate her for who she is or if you simply go through the motions of appreciation in order to retain what she can offer you. This is an unhealthy ambiguity. But remove your need, just as God doesn't need us, and suddenly your love is more reminiscent of that of Christ. She could be utterly worthless and vile, and this not only give her even more room to appreciate your love toward her, but it also gives you room to let your love toward her be a redeeming force toward those things she offers which you actually do find valuable.

To be clear: for a long while my wife was hung up on feeling worthless because I didn't appreciate what she brought to the table. In reality, she had the capacity to bring things to the table that I actually valued, but she wanted to work on things that SHE valued instead, and then she was upset at me for not valuing the same things as her, so when I didn't appreciate her self-gratifying lifestyle that ignored the things I valued, she felt that I didn't appreciate her at all, and therefore she became worthless in her mind. In reality, she simply had to shift her efforts toward things that actually were valuable in order to receive my appreciation.

In the same way, there are countless people doing what they think God values - attending many church services, serving in children's ministry, joining the latest outreach event, participating on the worship team, etc. But God says, "Those are the things YOU want to bring to the table, but not the things I've actually called you to. Sure, you can keep doing them, and I do get some peripheral benefit from it, but it's still not what I really want."

That's like the wife who perpetually decorates the house, spending her husband's money to do so, but refuses to have sex with him, then is totally shocked when he's upset with her. "Isn't this your house too?" she argues. "Don't you also benefit from living in a more beautiful home that I've decorated for you?" And yet he replies: "I'd rather you spend my money on some lingerie and help me build a family. A better decorated house is nice, but it's pointless if we're not raising kids to enjoy it with us."

Or in the Asgard example, you tell Odin, "No, I have not recruited anyone. But I knew how much you love the humans you wanted me to invite to Asgard, so I decided to use our advanced technology to serve humankind by building for them nicer homes, lightening their work-load through our technology, and causing them to be kinder to one another through our moral teachings. Doesn't this make you happy, even if no one has agreed to cross the bifrost with me?" Odin can only reply: "You've wasted your time. We can teach them all these things in Asgard, but if they will not be with us, the Kree will snatch them away, even unwillingly, and you haven't made any progress in making Asgard a mighty kingdom again."

Our work is toward God's Kingdom, not merely the individual components of the nice things we can do from time to time. Never forget that bigger picture.

My normal response all these years would be to ask "What's wrong?". I haven't done that for 3 months. But I don't yet have the frame to either be confrontational, or jovial and pull her out.

There's nothing wrong with asking that question. It's useful at times. I'm not sure why you'd avoid this - you just need to be prepared not to let her answer create a pressure that you can't handle.

As for being jovial, an example of one time I took the "jovial" approach to pull my wife out of it and into my good-mood frame is she was sulking about something, mad at me over trifles. I teased her, exaggerating about her having a giant frown on her face. I said she should be happy and needed to smile, but if she wasn't going to switch to a smile on her own, I would do it for her. So, I picked her up and flipped her upside-down and shook her a bit saying, "See, now that the frown is upside down you're smiling." She started laughing and the kids got riled up saying, "Daddy, do me next!" and by the time she was upright again she was still smiling.

coachdad8 · 2020-03-09T18:58:55+00:00

First, thanks for the intro as it takes balls to lay out your situation to a bunch of men. 2nd, there's some more info that needs to be gathered here - How often do your read the Bible? How often do you pray? And then let's get to the heart of your marriage: How often do you read/study the Bible with your wife? How often do you pray with your wife? Essentially what I'm asking you is to pull back the fig leaf, are you the spiritual leader of your family? Does your wife see you as her spiritual authority and is she submissive to your leadership? If you aren't leading her spiritually then she naturally wont follow your lead in other ways. Respect spiritually almost always produces respect in other areas. So hit reply and answer real quick.

Once you've answered those questions, the next one is mission. I'll tell you your mission right now because I already know it: To make disciples. That's your mission and my mission and his mission and everyone's mission who is a passionate follower of Christ. So anytime you think of the words "My Mission" that needs to be the first thing that comes to mind. But within that vague mission is YOUR mission, your individual mission as designed especially for you. How that mission is played out is unique to you. u/rocknrollchuck has some great insight into developing your individual mission, but I can also shed some light on the process having just gone through it a few months ago. You have a special set of skills and talents that God gave you specifically for your mission - not to be successful in business or to be a good dad or to be the cool guy at the party - specifically for your mission. Now, identify those skills and talents, which includes things you enjoy and are passionate about, and make a list (mental or on paper). Once defined, start thinking of ways you can use those talents and passions to serve, encourage and evangelize people. Essentially what you are trying to discover is how you are going to make disciples.

I've written about this extensively in the past, but your mission needs to be huge and unreachable. It supersedes all other importance things in your life - business, family, friends, hobbies, etc. because if all of those things are taken away from you, yet your mission still remains. How are you going to make disciples using your talents and gifts?

A warning: Dont try to arrange the mission around your lifestyle, fit your lifestyle around the mission. Men who are entrepreneurial and successful tend to cram the mission into their current life instead of changing their life around the mission. Make the shift even if it means selling off your company or walking away or limiting yourself to 20 hours a week. I've launched and sold several businesses over the years and currently own a manufacturing business to which I have limited myself to 20 hours per week in order to focus on my mission. But God convicted me and now my business and all my successful ventures seem so silly and small compared to something so much more meaningful - making disciples, evangelizing, preaching the gospel, changing the world and expanding the kingdom of heaven. I'd rather see 1 person come to Christ and avoid hell rather than own a unicorn startup. Your quiet, Godly lifestyle wont convert anyone, instead people will simply go to hell thinking you are a good person. Your intentional sharing of the gospel is the essence of evangelism and once you have proclaimed the gospel, the Holy Spirit does the rest inside in their heart. That's why your mission has to include specific ways you are going to share the gospel with people who do not know Christ as their Lord and Savior, who have not repented of their sin and believe in Jesus' death and resurrection. Your mission should also include ways to reach Christians with encouragement and the intent to ignite passion in their lives! I call our family "missionaries" because we are reaching the lost people in our community but we also make relationships with christians too and want them to be excited and passionate so that they can reach lost people!

See you in OYS and start lifting!

hopeunseen · 2020-03-10T03:47:26+00:00

Thanks for sharing! Honestly I'm personally encouraged when others like you share their own stories, as it's good to know I'm not alone.

Anyhow, a couple thoughts

I also started a bodyweight routine at home about the same time (5 mo ago), and can feel I've gotten stronger. I am seriously wrestling with the thought of a gym membership.

Go get a membership. Like seriously - Do it now. I literally screwed around with a home gym for 2 years (And gained a decent amount) before I finally, FINALLY tried a week long gym pass... Within a few sessions I realized just how many gains I'd missed out on by being Mr Cheapskate and trying to do it my own way, instead of just listening to the advice of others. Can you get shredded without a gym pass? Sure. But it's like 5x harder... And life is hard enough.

I felt like I was being called by God to start this new business 17 months ago. I followed that path, and it has been brutal to say the least.

Is this your IT consulting? PM me, I have an online business and it's good to connect with others if that's your realm.

She ultimately offered sex, but I turned it down when it was obvious that she wasn't going to be an enthusiastic partner.

The general rule here is "Never reward bad behavior, and always reward good behavior". So your wife wasn't super into sex, but she wanted to be a good wife - reward that, don't punish.

Good luck brother!

Title	Intro
Author	SimpleThings74
Upvotes	5
Comments	9
Date	March 9, 2020 2:02 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/ffv3lm/intro/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/intro.353405 https://theredarchive.com/post/353405

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