The topic of male suicide came up yesterday and my story really struck me deep when my brother told me about it last year. It involves a friend from who I met 20 years through our indoctrination center (church) and he was also a leader in Boy Scouts. He was probably early 20’s back then and I was a teenager. Church was very strict. Get married or you’re not going to heaven, no fapping, no this, no that. My friend (I’ll just call him John) was a straight shooter, never got angry but knew how to be a problem solver, took responsibility for his actions, and full of wisdom. He could set you straight without raising his voice, could defend himself using only words and was one of those guys that you looked up to and thought “man, I wanna be like him some day.” Married to a stay at home wife, 2 daughters, house, typical leave it to beaver life. As time went on I grew up, went through Boy Scouts, graduated high school and started my own life. Fast forward to maybe a couple years ago. I would think to myself- I wonder how John is. Daughters are grown now, in his forties now. I wonder what he’s up to now his kids are grown and it’s just him and his wife. Last November I see a news article “John suddenly passed away”. My brother comes over to my house and tells me what happened.

His wife eventually divorced him a few years ago because one of their daughters was a lesbian and wanted to marry another woman. He really didn’t care but the popular view of their church would shame them because homosexuality is completely forbidden and they’d be viewed as wicked parents. So she divorced him because he wouldn’t “tell his daughter not to be gay.”

The personal details of their divorce I’m not too sure about but being that his wife was a stay at home mother she probably got the house I’m sure because he was living in an apartment and eventually started seeing someone else and moving on with his life. Started doing crossfit and improving himself. From here I can’t say how much burden was put on him mentally, emotionally, etc that he just didn’t suddenly pass away like he contracted mrsa and it couldn’t be stopped, like the news said. He took his gun and shot himself in the fucking face.

I’m telling you all this because no matter how spiritually strong, how financially stable or well someone’s life appears to be on the outside, someone can certainly be dying on the inside.

When my brother told me what happened to my friend, a piece of me died on the inside as well.