Tl;dr I desire to not be beta and catalog my pathetic past as reminder to never go back.

I've been here for quite some time. Currently I'm a senior in high school and I really discovered this back during junior year. While I originally had the mindset of bluepill thinking all of this was ridiculous, I started to see how the actions matched right up with red pill philosophy. Last night was officially my breaking point and if it's okay I just want a reminder of what I never want to go back to. If this doesn't belong here then I apologize. Please just feel free to delete if this is in the wrong place. I tried to submit into the Bluebill Example but not sure how the works entirely. I'd like to think that I put every aspect of my beta ways into this and could cast it off, but I know self improvement takes time. From now on I'm focusing on myself and not the travesty that is my Career with relations of the opposite sex. Beware that I am pretty cringeworthy:

"The typical story of the world has been instilled in our minds from the start. Person meets person, they develop feelings, and where they take it is up in the air from there. Sometimes they become the term known as high school sweethearts and spend the rest of their lives together. Other times it’s not so pleasant.

I admit that as I am, the concept is so foreign to me. I don’t get why I continually fall for someone only to seemingly never learn from the past. Elementary School: Bri**** didn’t even tell me we broke up. She literally just changed her FB status. First two years of high school: I couldn’t the difference between hormones and actual affection, which led to ultimate disaster with Kate. Now I’m a senior with about 3 months left in high school and all I can think about is Desi. Along with this situation and all things considered, I haven’t learned a damn thing.

I always say I started feeling this way since freshman year but is that true? I admit that I found her engaging and truly fun to be around but I barely knew her. Also could’ve been that I really found someone who similar to me but female. Well whatever I felt it certainly didn’t stop me from acting like it. Problem was she didn’t date anymore that year after Davon so I guess I kinda abandoned ship. Though minimal I guess I could have been described as sad. But soon my attention led me to someone else.

Thinking back, whatever I had with Summers is completely not genuine. Sure we had nice chats and everything the vital point of it all was completely discussing sexual interaction with each other. We were just kinda outlets for each other having our fun and the fact I couldn’t see that was really pitiful. She broke up with me twice within the span of about 2 weeks and then dated another guy. Though that was short and we still flirted it never went further. Aside from getting teased with kisses, how blind I was pretty sad. On and off talking and drama eventually the breaking point and finally I had experienced my first (and so far only) time being ghosted. Pretty bitchy thing to do but you get over it. So now I found myself a senior, and with the “Go for it” attitude I took no caution, which brings me to here.

I wanted a homecoming a date and guys hadn’t been asking her out properly or genuinely. I saw an opportunity and I took it. Whether I had romantic develop before or after that night is something even I can’t figure out anymore. In truth I had thought about her but after her um “recent past” with males, I ruled it out that anything could ever happen. But that didn’t stop me and I found myself attending homecoming with most amazing women I had ever laid eyes on. Though the actual event was pretty comedic, I wait about an hour or so for her to show up cause they had to go back home. Along with that I couldn’t find my date for about 15 minutes. Then to top it all off we barely talked. All that aside I did have fun whenever we did interact. What really made the night though was how it ended.

I did not anticipate getting kissed, I really didn’t. But it didn’t take anyway anything from me. I felt happy and accelerated on all thoughts. Someone so perfect and amazing had done that, to me of all people. For once I didn’t feel like an outcast. I actually felt like a high schooler. She has no idea how much that meant to me. I see that as the moment someone finally saw me as a person, someone who belonged there. My past experiences with the opposite never could compare in that entirety to the moment someone that I respected so highly acknowledged me.

From then it’s pretty straightforward. I messaged her, joked around and I got responses back. We laughed, bickered (politely), and I felt hopeful. She asked around about me, talked about me to her friend and even tried to talk to me. While it’s true she mentioned to AMARiO other guys talking to her I didn’t let it bother me too much. Anyway though the conversation never happened, probably because she was busy. I didn’t want to ask her right after homecoming though. I wanted to show her that there was more to me than simply dressing up. I did so and she never really seemed to be bothered. Then as time went on I got tired. Then on the night I was pumped full of adrenaline I said it all to her, no regrets and just completely honest. So what was the response…well nothing at all. I told her that if she wasn’t sure how to respond we could leave it. So she did. After later confirming she didn’t feel weird toward me we kinda went back to the usual. Christmas Break was okay, some nice chatting. I got the idea of getting her something for her birthday ( I did) and even thought about making plans with her. Taking her to the Deadpool movie probably would’ve been successful. Key Word: Would Have.

If I had to take a moment and think to when things went bad, it would probably be that argument we had. Sure I wasn’t as mad as I appeared for her kicking me. I mean a discussion on cartoons isn’t really what you’d think would lead to that. But just like sharing similar favorable qualities, we also share to some degree of pettiness. Well the day after she didn’t seem so angry. Pretty passive in fact. Then Monday I had to fuck it up with my degree of insults. I thought our usual dynamic was back to normal and I guess I took it to far. We had always joked like that so I didn’t see the problem. Anyway that week is not something that I’d like to repeat or even relieve. First I was ignored in messages and saw her basically blank me out of the world. It consumed me, I could only think about her and how I had caused her to treat me as such. Then I apologized, first through a message which she didn’t respond to, and finally to her face. In all honesty despite me apologizing it’s never been the same. I so desperately wanted to repair whatever she and I had. I put up with it all the one word responses and the spitefulness in her messages. I wanted to do anything I could and prove to her that I truly did mean everything I said. Maybe if I didn’t care so much I wouldn’t have been so impacted by what happened next.

That damn prank…every time I think about it I get a little agitated. Some random relationship was really a kick to chest. I wasn’t prepared for it and the moment I saw that status “in a relationship” I lost all feeling. I couldn’t focus that night, I couldn’t sleep and I damn sure couldn’t get my mind off her. The few hours of sleep I did get were spent dreaming of her and I woke up sweating in complete distress. I wanted to say something, to get her attention, but I couldn’t bring myself to act on what I felt. I thought of how to get her to invoke emotion towards me but my mind drew up blanks. All I could do was sit there for three days and endure it. MY schedule was simple Get up, Endure thinking about her at school, Go home and think about her, and then dreams. Though happy and cheery I’d really call them nightmares. In those sessions it seemed as if everything was okay. We spent time together and I finally felt better, only to wake up and once again fall into my depressive state. I’d like to think that a miniscule part of me was at least happy for her, I can’t be sure. But it didn’t matter, after I had saw that it was all a prank, I felt happy. Best news I had heard for me personally. But that status about people getting a “cold shoulder” wasn’t expected. I’m still not sure if I’m one of those people she was referring to but damn sure feels like it. For months I tried to say something and I was only met with one worded responses just complete disinterest in what I said. After the game I tried and she exhibited the exact same attitude. No doubt it: that sucked royally.

On senior night I had enough and asked to that Batman v. Superman movie. She seemed pretty uninterested in attending with me but mildly cared for what it was itself. So I did research and looked for showings. This was the moment I’d try and repair everything. Though all my attempts were met with nothing substantial. I was confused: If I did nothing then why? Could she see that I wanted to better the situation? Either no or she didn’t care. Recently I talked to William and discovered she “warned” him about me asking. Apparently she said “company” was required because she didn’t wish to attend with me, or maybe that was always the case. I’m aware that someone asked her to the Deadpool movie and as far as I know she made no mention to him about requiring company. Regardless I confronted her about if she wanted to go and she replied with “Sure”. You know I think it really hit me there. I had enough and confronted her. Why did she act that way to me for the past two months? Her response: “I literally treat all guys like this”

Let’s be clear. That’s bs when you’re clearly reacting positively with every other guy except me. I don’t even try anything other than to talk and you respond to me with nothing but a cold shoulder. You have no idea the kinda crap I’ve put myself through simply because I want to say something to you.

That’s what I tried to say to some degree but it didn’t really come out as harsh. So she just ignored it and left it where it was. She doesn’t care about it, to her I’m just a distant memory while to me she’s so much more. It’s really so one-sided it’s pathetic.

The reason I typed all this? About a few hours ago I saw she had accepted someone’s proposal to prom, the exact same person she pulled that prank with. I can let my imagination run wild on what will probably happen but it’s all pointless. I don’t know how this year will end for me and I can say at this moment I really care. I just wish that something would happen that I could forget it all. I wish I could ignore as well as she could ignore me. All my beta qualities have done nothing but drive endless pits into my stomach and I have only myself to blame. Regardless I meant everything I’ve ever said to her. I’ve endured such heartache that I know that this time I truly do feel this way. She’s on my mind every second and in return I’m just the after thought. I don’t know but maybe it’s time to abandon feeling this way and begin to move on without her. Fuck it I don’t know I’m tired as hell and it’s almost 4:00 in the morning. Etika just got through with his live stream and this shit has been kicking at me since 10:00 p.m. But whatever happens from here is purely the result of my own actions. I have my own goals and I can’t achieve them while lingering on my thoughts about her.

It ends here."