There's this chick I knew 20 years ago. She used to be cute. Sometime in the last 6 months she friended me on facebook. There were a couple messages exchanged like "How ya been" but it didn't go anywhere. I didn't even know or ask her kids names.

So my dad and then brother pass away unexpectedly within 24 hours of each other march 3rd and 4th respectively. Sometime last week she had sent her condolences via FB. I asked if she remembered my bro and she said she did. I told her what the funeral plans were and invited her to show up.

She showed up near the end. She came over and said hi and it seemed weird cause we haven't seen each other in 20 years so I made and effort to sit down and have a 10 min conversation with her at the reception.

As i mentioned, it was almost over and my mates were all itching to take me to the bar and get me fucked up. I apologised that we didn't have much time to catch up but said I was heading out and said she should meet us there. This is where it gets good.

She goes "I don't have a car so I'm with you." I'm like... alright. Thought it was a bit presumptuous but whatever.

So we head to the bar. At first she was quiet but right at my side. We got to chatting a bit more. There came a point where I was getting this depressed vibe from her and I was like "Has life been good to you?" and she said no. Told me about her 3 kids with 3 different daddies and how they were all assholes (of course right).

Then she's telling me about a guy she's currently dating. Turns out I know of the guy. He's a good for nothing drug dealer and eternal user of women. Not that I care, but I am starting to get the picture that, not surprisingly, she's AWALT. Seems to get mixed up with bad boys, had kids with them and is totally surprised when they treat her like shit and leave. She also told me she works a couple nights a week at the worst dive bar in town but says she's got lots of money. Uh huh... sure. Tells me she's an alcoholic and loves the drink. I was already pretty liquored at this point and I was getting bored. So I started mingling with others.

Then all of a sudden she's got an interest in my buddies. Complementing (flirting) with one of my single friends and one of my married friends. Then there was another guy at the bar that we both know but hadn't seen in a long time and she was hanging on him too.

Didn't bug me. I was tired of feeling like I needed to entertain her. After all, my buddies were taking ME out.

So then she starts buying me drinks. Refuses to let me buy any of my own or trade rounds. Now she's back stuck to me. She's telling me how I was the one that got her into the Sex Pistols and they are one of her favorite bands and how cool I am. And then she's telling me STRAIGHT UP that she needs to find a father for her kids. And no, she wasn't even beating around the bush. She fucking said it straight up "I'm looking for a man that I can have fun with and that will be a father to my kids because I'm tired of all these losers" LOL Inside I'm fucking laughing so hard and at the same time I feel the rage coming up. I enjoyed the honesty but couldn't believe the balls. I mean, she's 39, post wall. The only thing she's got going is she's blonde, short (like 5'2"), thin (like 115 lbs soaking wet), blue eyes. She's still got just a glimmer of SMV left but you can tell she's been through the ringer when you hear her talk.

Anyway, it was getting late and my buddies had to work in the morning but I didn't and neither did she. But I must admit, I was pretty loaded and bored with her. And I know, I shouldn't have been driving but i did. I know... FUCK. Sorry. I don't usually do that but it's not everyday that you bury your dad and brother at the same time.

So I say I'm gonna drive her home cause I wanted to get home. We are on the way and about a block from her place is another local dive bar. She says we should go in for a drink. I don't know why i said ok. Probably because I was drunk and feeling sorry for myself a bit.

By this time, she's pretty loaded too. Starts telling me how one of her ex's molested her daughter and that Family and Children's Services were coming tomorrow. Starts complaining that the guy she's dating is an eternal bachelor and how she's going to try and see if she can settle him down. Says they are going to Jamaica in a couple weeks. Says she knows he's a drug dealer but figures it's ok as long as he doesn't bring it home. lol Yeah guys... this was for real!

Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I'm like "don't you know you can't change people by now?" and she says "We'll see after the vacation".

Then she started talking about how he makes her laugh and smile and that all she wants is fun times because she's so tired of the bad. And I'm going "but i thought you wanted a father for your kids?" and she says she wants that too.

By this time my head was spinning. So I start laying it out for her. I told her she's been making bad choices her whole life and now all of a sudden she wants a father for her kids. I talked about SMV and the wall and she was kinda smirking. It's like she knew ALL of it. She said "you lay out a good business case" and I'm going "damn right. You wasted the best years of your life banging scum bags and now you want to land a decent guy and you really think that's going to happen? And if not, you're going to try and manipulate him to make it happen?"

Don't get me wrong guys. I know she's not pinning her hopes and dreams on this guy. I know she's thinking I'm an option too. But I didn't want to be so bold to call her out on it. And then, just about the time I was about to end the whole thing and drop her off and pretend I don't know her she get a phone call telling her that her good friend (a new mother of 2 girls) was just found after hanging herself.

HOLY FUCK. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. So now she's balling and I'm just a cold hearted bastard watching her. I'm waiting for the flood of text messages to end so I can say "We're Going NOW!"

After like 10 min the barmaid was cleaning the floors and putting up the chairs and fuckhead gets a grip and says she's sorry and she's ready to go.

So we leave. I pull in her driveway and she's hugging and cheek kissing me. Emphasizing that I'm her "friend" over and over. "You're such a good friend" "I hope we stay friends" and shit like that. I just want her gone. So I remain stoic. Then BAM - "Hey, I have beer, whiskey, soda, whatever you want, why don't you come in?"

NOPE. I pretty much said it just like that to my recollection. Said I wanted to go home.

She tried to make me promise to take her for lunch sometime this week. I was like "yeah sure, msg me" and she's going "promise?!"

I said "no promise but I'll make an effort." and finally she went in and I went home. Got home at like 3am.

Today she's messages me "Hey friend! How are you feeling today! You owe me lunch this week!"

Ya know, I think I only have one question. If she REALLY wanted me to come in and she really wanted to bang, I'm not sure why she didn't start sucking my face or other things right in the car. Because, I'll tell you, I would have fell right for some of that. But now, today, after the hangover. Holy. What, a, nightmare. I think she was trying, just a little bit, to not come off as complete whore. Maybe she understands that I don't dig whores.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I know it was long but damn, I had to get that out.

Oh yeah, and then my single buddy that she was flirting with texted me asking if I banged her. I said no. Then he started going on about how she wanted some dick and how he attracts the crazy ones. So I told him, it's not him, they are all crazy. Because AWALT.

EDIT: Spelling and grammar. Forgive me for the "I was like" and "she was like". I just wanted to get this out fast not get a publishing deal.