Past possibly effecting future

teaandtalk · 2020-04-29T05:01:57+00:00

Of course it will affect how you're seen - our pasts do. It's not a moral judgment, but a realistic one. You had a child with someone who was not appropriate, and now you are 31 with a child - many men won't want that. Not only is it a sign of poor judgment, but it means that he doesn't get to share the excitement of becoming parents together for the first time. But there's nothing to be done about your past, all you can do is be sensible in the present and work on yourself, so that when you do meet a man worth dating, you're able to meet him with as high a RMV as you can.

I'd suggest a period of 'nun mode' where you work on yourself, get some therapy, etc, and then later when you're ready, you can consider dating again. Do not jump into this without a break. Read the sidebar, take care of yourself and your son (he might also need some therapy) and good luck!

PrincepsOmni · 2020-04-29T08:37:14+00:00

Red Pill advice would be:

Make self care a passion - It's not hard to stand out in most Western nations where yoga pants, jeans, flip flops and obesity are the standard. Just cutting out sugar and carbs from your diet, and taking moderate exercise 2-3 times a week will make you stand out from most of your peers.

Wearing dresses more than pants, and taking 15 minutes more to groom/make up will also set you apart most women in most places these days, where being modestly feminine seems to be forbidden. The secret is: be different. Good men respond well to femininity, just as good women respond well to masculinity.

Cultivate humility, learning and self development. You can't change your past and will have to accept that it may turn away some good men - but you can make yourself your best self. Even if you're single, if you're fit, healthy and cultivate beauty into your life you'll be a LOT happier than if you didn't embrace self care as a way of life (it will also allow you to be the best mother to your child too - you'll want a son who can respond positively to femininity, and who can reference his mother's positive traits when vetting women he allows into his life when he grows up).

The real goal here is to make yourself and your life interesting. Birds of a feather flock together. Gentlemen are attracted to ladies and vice versa.

And whatever you do, make sure you vet carefully - dates are interviews, not opportunities for exciting experiences that set the tone for hormonal rushes. Look at examples of old fashioned courtship for examples of how to go about it.

Good luck.

2020-04-29T13:19:54+00:00

I will be a bit more hopeful in the tone of my advice than some might be.

Stepfamilies exist. A lot of them. Most of them are pretty happy and stable. This is not a dealbreaker for every decent, honest, hardworking guy. It wasn’t even a dealbreaker for the Crown Prince of Norway, so. Don’t despair. We need to be realistic here.

You have one kid from a very LTR. You don’t have eight kids who have all been removed by CPS. By the time you hit mid thirties or early forties, a lot of people’s first marriages/big LTRs have failed. There are a lot of guys in the dating market who are weekend dads. So, realistically, you are probably looking for a guy in the same position as yourself, who had a family breakdown. It’s sadly very common. A guy who had a family breakdown himself is probably more realistic about a second wife coming to the marriage with kids of her own. Again, for many perfectly decent guys, this is not a dealbreaker. A lot of guys who were less than perfect husbands were and are perfectly good dads. If it is a dealbreaker for a guy, he will tell you upfront and you should make sure to find out upfront. You and your son are a package deal.

Your ex was a bastard. You are well rid of him, and I want to send love to you for getting out. Many women don’t. It is really, really hard to escape an abuser and start again. You are strong and I admire you. You also don’t say how long you have been rid of him, and how much contact he has with kid. I hope none. That may not be RP of me, but no kid needs a shitty violent father who knocks them about.

I would strongly urge you and also the boy to try and get some support as people who have escaped a violent home. You especially at this time, because babe, your man picker is broken. If it wasn’t broken when you chose him (you were only 18!!) it has been bent into a pretzel by the experience of over a decade of abuse. You have to remember when you go out into the dating market, you are no longer just looking for a guy who is safe for you, but a guy who is safe for your little guy too. I would for this reason completely rule out a casual or fwb arrangement. There are many douchebags out there who think “single mother = easy sex” or “pump and dump”. You, and your self esteem post abuse, don’t need that shit. Date carefully and slowly and do not introduce any man to your son for a very considerable time. I mean at least six months. You need to have confidence in this guy and suss him out before you bring him around your child.

And yeah, there are guys who look for single mothers to obtain sexual access to their children. I have dealt professionally with the aftermath of that and it is even worse than you imagine. So yeah. Safety first and always. You are a mom before you are a girlfriend or wife, and the safety of your child is the most important thing in your life. No exceptions.

Hon, take some time for your own self to find out who you are. You were barely an adult when you hooked up with abuser douchebag, and now you are older, sadder but a hell of a lot wiser. Get comfortable in your own skin before you look around for some one to share your journey.

There are worse things than being single. You have experienced them. Make damn sure you don’t subject yourself and your boy to them again.

Good luck, stay strong xx

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2020-05-01T09:31:43+00:00

single mother is dating on hard mode. Most men under 30 are not interested in relationships with women with children.

Men over 30-35 are usually more accepting of something like that. It was a long term relationship and not an accidental pregnancy which is good, but I would just suggest not to go after younger men with your circumstance.

If you've got things in order other than that then you should be fine.

Title	Past possibly effecting future
Author	sugerbugger07
Upvotes	5
Comments	6
Date	April 29, 2020 2:27 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ga132p/past_possibly_effecting_future/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/past-possibly-effecting-future.657883 https://theredarchive.com/post/657883

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