About six months ago, I finally left the last vestiges of the Plantation, and I'm having an ongoing challenge that I thought I'd submit for comments. I don't know who I am anymore, and it's paralyzing me.

I'm considerably older than most of the men on this site. Adding it up, in one form or another, I spent DECADES on the Plantation -- working, sacrificing, giving for the system I was born into and trained to be part of. From literally the day I was born, I've been totally committed to the Plantation, because I was not allowed anything else. Finally, after the last straw in September (long-term live-in girlfriend cheated on me) I ended that, moved into my own place, and have been Plantation-free ever since.

And things have gone really, really well. The house is gorgeous. I have lots of male friends. I'm getting laid like crazy, for the first time in many years, by a FWB who I am not going to live with, marry, anything. My business is going great, and has sailed through the pandemic with no problems. My whole life has leaped upward about five levels.

But I don't recognize this new guy. I am so used to being exploited, having no choices, putting up with shit, that I'm sort of baffled by this new life. I don't know what normal is anymore. I have no idea what to expect, what my standards are, how this works, any of it. It feels like I'm watching a movie sometimes. And I'm sort of appalled by how far I've fallen behind in so many of the basic areas of living a good life. It's disorienting, and I spend a lot of time just trying to figure out what's going on. Seriously, sitting staring out the window or writing, trying to get all this to make sense, and it doesn't. I have no idea who I am anymore.

Here's an example. Women have suddenly become pretty seriously easy to attract and sleep with and generally have around since I went out on my own. I have gone from having no sex at all for YEARS to pretty much all I want. I know this is MGTOW, but I like getting laid. A lot. The energy I have isn't being vacuumed up by a committed relationship, and the rest of them notice, and show up, like finches at a feeder. I have gotten hit on by women literally half my age. I have gotten lengthy texts saying things like "And I really want to be fucked by you". Within three weeks of moving into my new place, I slept with the granddaughter of a very, very famous novelist. This has never happened to me before, and I have no idea why, or how this works. I don't have to even do much -- just be myself, and not be a total asshole. I sit there and think: "This is ridiculous -- they're going to see through my little act and disappear" and they don't. Of course, this doesn't happen all the time, or even most of the time, but it happens a lot, and everything I thought I knew about women turns out to have been just bullshit, implanted to keep me on the Plantation.

All this is great, of course, but it's also really confusing. What the fuck is going on? Who is this guy?

Is this how things work now? Is this how they've always worked? What are the rules here? What just happened? Who was the old guy? How did this happen? What the fuck is going on? I don't know what to do, so I often spend a LOT of time doing nothing, which just makes things worse. I need to have some goals, some direction, some mileposts, but I have to invent my own for the first time, and I don't know how. I am so used to being told what to do.

Another example: the house I moved into is absolutely gorgeous. A classic Northern California-style home, with really high ceilings, a woodstove, tons of light, and privacy -- nestled into the woods, really. I can literally lie in bed and hear the surf. At night, I can sit by the fire, listen to music, read, watch television, and it's just beautiful. And I feel like I'm living in someone else's house. I have no idea who lives in this place sometimes. For decades, lived in shitty rented houses with someone else's furniture, places I really did not like but I thought were sort of my duty. I just took whatever I was given.

And now, here I am. I don't understand how I live in this place. On some level, I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up one morning and it's all going to be gone, and I'll be back in some shitty rented room or something. It feels like I'm living in a museum, or a nice hotel room, despite the fact that I furnished the place, decorated it, pay the rent, everything. I've never, ever been the guy who lives somewhere nice, and now I am. I do. I don't know who this guy is.

For my entire life, I've worn what you'd describe as Dad clothes. Baggy jeans, white sneakers, cargo shorts, the whole outfit. Basically what I wore in college. I've also spent the last three years working my ass off with a trainer, and have basically changed my shape. And one of these women pointed out that maybe I wanted to think about getting jeans that actually fit. And then I step back and look at how I present myself to the world, and it's almost all PlantationWear. I was that guy for decades because I had it drilled into me that if you're male, you're not supposed to look good. You're supposed to look like every other guy, and slightly bad in addition, because that's your lot. Am I now allowed to look good, to care about this stuff? Is this who I actually am?

Part of my thinks that the problem is trying to get this to make sense in the first place. Maybe just take it one day at a time, and let understanding all this happen when it happens, gradually. But damn, this is hard. I feel like one of those guys who's let out of prison after twenty years, and can't handle being in the outside world. Or someone who retires after a long military career, and has no idea how to function as a civilian. I just feel seriously lost.

And worse yet, I'm afraid that subconsciously, part of me doesn't believe I deserve this, and I'm going to fuck it up to make sure I stay where I think I belong.

If anyone has anything helpful to say, or has been through something like this, I'd like to hear it.