I dated my ex for 3 years. It went well until I came across TRP and it slowly but surely created doubts about the relationship and me. I began to fear and doubt I wasn’t good enough because her SMV was higher. I became insecure and all my insecurities started spilling out onto her.
Months later, I started internalizing TRP/RPC and began making improvements and lifting. I tried using dread and setting up boundaries I hadn’t setup previously as this was my first GF and I had no idea how to handle a relationship.
Ultimately, I found out she became my idol or oneitis. I asked God to give me direction with this relationship and I heard an audible voice tell me to leave. I kept this a secret from her and tried to hold onto the relationship but that message kept creeping in. This was around the 1 year mark of the relationship. I wanted to stay with her and I’ll be honest that I was infatuated and clung to her.
All of the doubts, insecurities, and “Gods” message pretty much caused me to break up with her 3 times within those 3 years. She always came back and accepted me back until she didn’t the last time. She couldn’t take anymore heartbreak. She never initiated a break up.
This hurt my ego bad and I spiraled out of control. I became needy and clingy and searching for her and tried to control the situation. I once believed she was my soulmate. I was chasing her for a whole year after she rejected me. It became a super toxic situationship and she unleashed all forms of narcissistic/manipulative traits during the chase. I was gaslit among other manipulation tactics. She finally revealed her true self as she was one of those quiet ones who always kept her thoughts on the inside.
I was BETA to the bone. I was the typical nice guy. And it burned me bad.
She turned the great memories I had of us into something horrible. I started believing her as my mind went for a rollercoaster ride.
Since then, I have realized my mistakes, I’ve read up on manipulation and read “red pill” books like WISNIFG and NMMNG and the Rational Male. I hit the gym and I’ve tried clearing my mind up.
But currently, I realize I am still damaged. I still have some form of oneitis and the “dream” of us being together. The ideal life. We never had sex but did mess around the bases throughout those times. I’m an HB8 and she was a 9.
I am left with a large dark void in my life. I feel like I will be alone forever. God used me and her to bring each other back to Him. I didn’t think it’d be temporary. This experience paralyzed me. My goals and aspirations took a back seat as my goal of starting a family with her died. I lack motivation to start on my goals again besides the gym - obviously, no gym during quarantine.
I wish I had never met her. I wish my memories were erased. I don’t keep in contact with her on Social Media nor by phone. I still have our pictures but I don’t look at them. I returned all the gifts she gave me. I left the church community where she still attends. I feel like the last 4 years have been a waste. I caused pain and received pain.
I truly don’t know where to go from here. I’ve prayed prayed and prayed. I’m at the point where I really don’t care about money. I’ve donated a lot. I feel as if I’ve got nothing to lose which I am actually very happy about.
I just feel like a shell. Apologies for this victim puke. I just want to heal, move on, let things go, make wiser decisions with courage next time. I’m not sure if marriage is an option anymore for me. Is this was sadness or depression feels like? I’m not sure because I still hang with friends and do fun things. It is definitely different not having a girl by your side. I take full responsibility for my actions. I have trouble being attracted to girls below a 7. I’m just not physically attracted to them even if they’re good and helpful.
I don’t really need affirmation or approval. I really just need advice how to overcome this giant. I don’t wanna go see a therapist.