How to heal from previous relationship?

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May 16, 2020
7 upvotes

I dated my ex for 3 years. It went well until I came across TRP and it slowly but surely created doubts about the relationship and me. I began to fear and doubt I wasn’t good enough because her SMV was higher. I became insecure and all my insecurities started spilling out onto her.

Months later, I started internalizing TRP/RPC and began making improvements and lifting. I tried using dread and setting up boundaries I hadn’t setup previously as this was my first GF and I had no idea how to handle a relationship.

Ultimately, I found out she became my idol or oneitis. I asked God to give me direction with this relationship and I heard an audible voice tell me to leave. I kept this a secret from her and tried to hold onto the relationship but that message kept creeping in. This was around the 1 year mark of the relationship. I wanted to stay with her and I’ll be honest that I was infatuated and clung to her.

All of the doubts, insecurities, and “Gods” message pretty much caused me to break up with her 3 times within those 3 years. She always came back and accepted me back until she didn’t the last time. She couldn’t take anymore heartbreak. She never initiated a break up.

This hurt my ego bad and I spiraled out of control. I became needy and clingy and searching for her and tried to control the situation. I once believed she was my soulmate. I was chasing her for a whole year after she rejected me. It became a super toxic situationship and she unleashed all forms of narcissistic/manipulative traits during the chase. I was gaslit among other manipulation tactics. She finally revealed her true self as she was one of those quiet ones who always kept her thoughts on the inside.

I was BETA to the bone. I was the typical nice guy. And it burned me bad.

She turned the great memories I had of us into something horrible. I started believing her as my mind went for a rollercoaster ride.

Since then, I have realized my mistakes, I’ve read up on manipulation and read “red pill” books like WISNIFG and NMMNG and the Rational Male. I hit the gym and I’ve tried clearing my mind up.

But currently, I realize I am still damaged. I still have some form of oneitis and the “dream” of us being together. The ideal life. We never had sex but did mess around the bases throughout those times. I’m an HB8 and she was a 9.

I am left with a large dark void in my life. I feel like I will be alone forever. God used me and her to bring each other back to Him. I didn’t think it’d be temporary. This experience paralyzed me. My goals and aspirations took a back seat as my goal of starting a family with her died. I lack motivation to start on my goals again besides the gym - obviously, no gym during quarantine.

I wish I had never met her. I wish my memories were erased. I don’t keep in contact with her on Social Media nor by phone. I still have our pictures but I don’t look at them. I returned all the gifts she gave me. I left the church community where she still attends. I feel like the last 4 years have been a waste. I caused pain and received pain.

I truly don’t know where to go from here. I’ve prayed prayed and prayed. I’m at the point where I really don’t care about money. I’ve donated a lot. I feel as if I’ve got nothing to lose which I am actually very happy about.

I just feel like a shell. Apologies for this victim puke. I just want to heal, move on, let things go, make wiser decisions with courage next time. I’m not sure if marriage is an option anymore for me. Is this was sadness or depression feels like? I’m not sure because I still hang with friends and do fun things. It is definitely different not having a girl by your side. I take full responsibility for my actions. I have trouble being attracted to girls below a 7. I’m just not physically attracted to them even if they’re good and helpful.

I don’t really need affirmation or approval. I really just need advice how to overcome this giant. I don’t wanna go see a therapist.


Post Information
Title How to heal from previous relationship?
Author agoodcrayon
Upvotes 7
Comments 8
Date 16 May 2020 06:48 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/665291
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/gkzzg0/how_to_heal_from_previous_relationship/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
WISNIFGbetadread gamesexual market valueliftthe red pillNMMNG
Comments

[–]Deep_Strength4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am left with a large dark void in my life. I feel like I will be alone forever. God used me and her to bring each other back to Him. I didn’t think it’d be temporary. This experience paralyzed me. My goals and aspirations took a back seat as my goal of starting a family with her died. I lack motivation to start on my goals again besides the gym - obviously, no gym during quarantine.

The only thing that permanently fills and fixes holes is Jesus. Focus on the gospel and reflect what Christ has done for you. It's nothing in comparison to any heartbreak you went through.

I wish I had never met her. I wish my memories were erased. I don’t keep in contact with her on Social Media nor by phone. I still have our pictures but I don’t look at them. I returned all the gifts she gave me. I left the church community where she still attends. I feel like the last 4 years have been a waste. I caused pain and received pain.

I truly don’t know where to go from here. I’ve prayed prayed and prayed. I’m at the point where I really don’t care about money. I’ve donated a lot. I feel as if I’ve got nothing to lose which I am actually very happy about.

And Paul literally went everywhere and killed Christians. But Jesus came to Him and saved him and told him to go and spread the gospel to the Gentiles. Paul didn't wallow in what he did in the past and the terrible memories. To the contrary, his broken and sinful past made him zealous to give his all for Jesus. You have the same mission to go and make disciples as a Christian as the body of Christ. Focus on what matters.

I just feel like a shell. Apologies for this victim puke. I just want to heal, move on, let things go, make wiser decisions with courage next time. I’m not sure if marriage is an option anymore for me. Is this was sadness or depression feels like? I’m not sure because I still hang with friends and do fun things. It is definitely different not having a girl by your side. I take full responsibility for my actions. I have trouble being attracted to girls below a 7. I’m just not physically attracted to them even if they’re good and helpful.

Get started with your own OYS post that are sticked in the top of the /r/RPChristians sub. It will help. And spend your Bible study time reflecting on the gospel and Jesus' sacrifice for you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/gj0uhp/oys_where_progress_is_made_051320/

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Be thankful you didn't marry and have a few kids.

You need to be in a place where you can captain a ship that's heading somewhere before you think about marrying.

My wife told me it was a negative thing that I was at the birth of our children. We've had five children - all at home - so she was really digging deep for some good chit when she said those words. And yup, you can bet they stung. She told me this at what was maybe the low point of our relationship ~2 years ago. It was also at the low point of my SMV basically.

How does a guy "heal" from that sort of crap? How does a guy get to a point where it "doesn't matter"? Can my wife and I ever talk about/remember fondly those home birth experiences without her words coming into my mind and adding something that wasn't there in the moment of the experiences? Meh ... that's all in my mind. All work for me to do. And it's best done by living in the moment IMO.

Why don't you want to go see a therapist? You'd rather type words out on the interwebs and see if you like our advice? If this really is a "giant" for you, then pony up and see a therapist for a few sessions. Spill your guts (and a few dollars), and it might get you on the road to having a good mental framework to deal with the cards life has dealt you so far.

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I actually feel a lot better about it now that I’ve typed it out. Doesn’t sting as much. It’s not like I was married and divorced.

Your story/example is what really needs to be shared in life amongst other men.

Life is strange for a man.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I actually feel a lot better about it now that I’ve typed it out.

Journaling can be therapeutic.

If you need to say so many words (as you did above) to feel better about your day, then you should get into a habit of journaling before you get into another relationship. I'd wager you spew words like a fire hose when you have a bad day - and it makes you feel better. And if you're up on anything redpill, you know that will kill the feelz in a male/female relationship.

Look into journaling. Being able to express what's inside you is a skill; it's something you can actually work on and grow into. However, needing to express what's inside you because you want to feel better ... well, this is an RP sub, and that neediness is frowned upon (to put it kindly).

Journaling is great ... and some close guy friends. No ... I don't want to sit around a listen to you talk about how you need to heal, but there's something in having a few close guy friends that is missing typically in our society.

I mean ... come on man...

I wish I had never met her. I wish my memories were erased.

and

I feel like the last 4 years have been a waste.

And I wish I had a million dollars. Do you want to live in a marshmallow world? Or do you want to live in the real world and make a real difference for yourself or anybody around you?

CBT would be a good thing for you and your mind. You say you don't want to go see a therapist. But your mind is weak and bottled up by the past. Maybe read up on CBT on your own .. see where it gets you.

Can you change the past at all? Can you change what happened over the past four years? If so then how's that working for you?

Can you change what's going to happen four years in the future? No, not really. You can plan, and I advocate you do so. But you can't change the future much. Live in the here and now. Stop "wishing I had" this or that. Learn from the past; bring it into the here and now the best way you can and deal with it. Then live in the here and the now. This is the work CBT helps you do - training your mind. Currently, the way you feel is determining how your day goes. How you feel is determining how your LIFE goes.

You want to know how to heal from a previous relationship? Get control of your mind and point it to the places where you won't feel defeated. Get control of your mind and point it towards a mission you can spend your life fulfilling.

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Haha lots of hard truths in this, I greatly appreciate it.

I’ve got a couple missions I’m working towards but the days are long. Each brick is a day and I’ll need 10 years worth of bricks to get the mission going.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

It sounds trite but it's true that time heals all wounds. I think the rule of thumb is to allow a month of recovery for every year that the relationship lasted.

Give some thought to your mission ... either creating something of lasting value or making the world a better place in some way. Establish your mission first, THEN think about adding a partner if a suitable woman comes along and wants to contribute.

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah lol it’s hard staying celibate your whole life lmao. I don’t want to sin but my patience is wearing thin

[–]Willow-girl-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's understandable. However, if you find your mission first, your dating partners will understand from the outset what you've got going on there, and will either run for the hills or sign on enthusiastically.

Don't be like my boss, who -- a couple years into his marriage -- decided he wanted to be a dairy farmer. His wife has been milking his cows for 40 years now! She's a good sport about it but she never really had a hankering to be a farm wife. That's a pretty tough row to hoe.

By the same token, when you start dating again, consider your partners' missions and whether they will be compatible with yours. (Yes, women can have missions too, lol.)



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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