Stats: (as of now) 6/10 175 lbs. 6'2, Lifts Max Benchpress 200, squats 255. I haven't been in the gym due to lockdown in NY bc of coronavirus.

Reading: 4/10 NNMNG, and currently reading sidebar 300 series

Finances: 5/10 Have at least 2k in savings and work as a bank teller. Not married and probably won't be for a long time until I heal.

Spiritual: 2/10 extremely lacking, been backslide lately been picking myself back up through the strength of Christ

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Throwaway for obvious reasons but I have no one to talk to, I had thought I made peace with things but it still haunts me. I believe I am emotionally scarred by what happened but I want people to know my story.

I just turned 22 yesterday, but these events happened years ago. I posted months ago about a girl who essentially emotionally cheated on me with a Dad on a trip we went together with my group of friends.

This is the same girl let me start from the beginning.

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So I met her at a church I went to, she's mixed (Japanese, white and African) and I'm mixed (afro Brazilian) and I was interested in her so I approached her and we hit it off.

Our first date was a tour near this massive garden where we live that attracts tourists, it was a low, chill and relatively free date (I just wanted to get to know her, no expensive first dates for me) The first day of the date she told me her life story. She was homeschooled, and she told me her story of adoption and coming to the US (She is born in Bolivia but was raised in Brazil) she came to the States when she was 6, she and her other sister was adopted by Caucasian parents (I list ethnicity here because it does play a role, she struggled with her self image due to her parents not allowing her to blossom culturally, she was forced to look "American")

Anyhow, She told me stories of verbal and emotional abuse by her Narcissistic Mother and how she was enduring so much pain from her. Her Dad was seemingly unaware and didn't believe her cries and pleas of abuse that stemmed from her mother.

I felt bad for her and comforted her and told my story. After that long talk, I felt like we bonded like no other! (All according to plan huh).

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2 months later, we were talking about our past. She implied she was raped as a young teen and told me it was dealt with and she moved on, the man who sexually abused her is not in the church nor is he in her life (this is a key detail that will appear again, so keep this in mind). She cried, I comforted her and we moved past that.

The next 3-4 months were full of "love" and "ecstasy".

"I finally found a Christian girl who lives a pure life, loves God, and is feminine, on top of that she is just like me!"

Boy was I wrong, and little did I know until this all ended that this was a ploy.

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6-8 months later, the emotional cheating event happened and it tore a rift in our relationship. I came on here and everyone told me to end it, I did listen but decided to talk to her one more time before I ended it. She talked me out of it (Using expert gaslighting techniques and manipulative tactics, this girl was so cunning that even my friends were shocked at how good she was, I did not know I was being tricked until later).

So I thought we "moved on" from it and thought "she realized her mistake". To this day, she never did explicitly say what she did wrong. It was a "misunderstanding" and "we both could have handled it better" At first, before I came on her, I told her about how I felt and how hurt I was, the first response was "you're jealous"

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Anyways, fast forward another 3 months. The relationship was good on the surface. She was no longer in contact with the guy (it was a bit complicated because he was a friend in our friend group, we kept contacts of people we met on the trip in a group chat, although before this point in the story, she did talk to him from time to time in a separate chat)

She told me she signed up for a study abroad trip and was excited at how much knowledge she was going to learn regarding her career (yeah right). I was happy but a bit miffed because she didn't even let me know about it before signing up. It was like "Hey I'm going to study abroad! its gonna be fun btw!"

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Something in my gut didn't feel right. Homeschooled "Christian" girl going to study abroad with people she barely knew and after our little emotional cheating event, I had reasons to be wary. She accused me of not trusting her, and I did open up to her about feeling that way. She was hurt and asked why did she do to make me feel that way. I brought up the cheating event, saying that I forgave her but I'm still feeling the effects of it.

We made up and got over that hurdle and things were good until she left to go abroad for 2 weeks.

While she went abroad, we kept in contact on the first day. We facetime the second day..then bloop! I haven't heard from her for the next couple of days. I would text her (she would see it as we communicated through a messenger app that would tell you when you would be online and when people would read your message, I'm not sure if she was aware of this as it was her first time using the app).

I thought she was busy and didn't want to be insecure, check up on your boyfriend and I let it be. The more days would pass, the more off I felt.

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Later, I kept waking up in the middle of the night feeling terrible. At one point I said, waking up from my sleep "She is not my girlfriend!". (This may seem comical but I am serious). I woke up in bewilderment and rebuked myself for saying such a thing. Tee next night I woke up with my heart beating through my chest and said "She is NOT mine". This time I realized something was up, was I suppressing something? I had alarms going off in my mind and heart.

I prayed to God and told Him EVERYTHING, how I felt, thought, and feared. I ended the prayer by continually saying "May whatever is done in the dark, come to light"

The next day she replied, we face timed and she apologized saying sorry about not contacting me. Wifi was sparse. I brought up seeing her online more than a few times and she replied with saying she using those sparse periods to catch up with people in the group chat. (Geez, the more I type this out the more I realized how much I was lied to, sickening...ugh this Jezebel) I said ok.

**This is where it gets weirder**

The call cut off randomly and we called again, I said "what happened?" she mentioned wifi being bad. Later on, she said she lied, and ended the call because my female dormmates were coming in. She didn't want them to see her being up late at night thinking she was gossiping about them

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(Some context, apparently all the girls on the trip didn't like her for some reason. She was subtly excluded from their social group at times, according to her. So she hung out with the guys, she slipped the last part out by accident.)

I told her that it shouldn't matter and that she shouldn't have cared if so. Though at this point something was off...

Looking back, her hair was messy and she looked a bit tired. She said they had a touring exhibit where they had to walk a lot. But honestly, the signs point to possible sex because she looked disheveled and the "female dorm mate" walking in might have been a guy...again not sure but I won't be surprised.

So to fast-forward, there were red flags that I was seeing and I told her when she comes back we should talk. She freaked out a bit and got mad and decided to text/talk to me less. She later apologized two days before the final day and started to send me pictures and videos (she didn't before, she sent me stuff ON THE LAST DAY)

So we met in person and she explained everything and assured me nothing happened. We starting talking and I told her that she was omitting stuff from her past. To her surprise she was asking me questions, I asked back and I told her that months ago, my Aunt had a dream that her adopted Dad did something to her sister.

After many tears and questions from both sides, she refused to tell me at first because she wants to protect this man and her family.

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However, after much back and forth she confessed that the man who sexually abused her and was "no longer in her life" was none other than her step Dad. (I had a hunch, along with the dream) He attacked both her and her sister and from what she told me, this sexual abuse/relationship started when she was 13 and last for a few years "until it suddenly stopped, by the grace of God".

I asked her was it consensual at any moment? She said no at first, then she said she went along with it because she thought that's what Dad and Daughters do (have sex). (In retrospect, it sounds like she was groomed, so the abuse could have happened as early as 6, as a teenager has the mental faculties to know that Dad and daughters don't have sex.)

I told her that we have to do something about this (go to the authorities or tell the church) but she insisted that her Dad changed and that she wants to keep her family intact. She even wrote a long, long text about her how Dad changed and how she cares about this man and told me that I should forgive.

I told her I can't let a molester around my children should we get married (hypothetical statement, at this point I was checking out of the relationship emotionally).

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Now the small details could be a lie but it is true that Her Dad molested and have relations with her, what troubles me is that she said that it started when things go out of hand....which implies that she had some choice in fooling around, early on in our relationship she told me that she did things to get her Dad's attention when she was younger and even telling me that she is thinking about keeping her Dad's name when we get married ( I vehemently refused at the time, this was before knowing about the rape)

Long story short, I ended the relationship. Primary due to her lies, She wanted to protect her abuser and I found out she lied to me about her past.

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I just remembered as I was typing this when we first kissed, she mentioned telling her Dad about us kissing. I asked her why did she need to do that, she said something about telling her Dad that we decided not to kiss and (we did, At the beginning of our relationship, we tried to keep things pure and so we had a no hug, no kissing rule, she said she told her parents but she since we broke it, she needs to tell her *Dad??)

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Anyways, I thought it was the right thing to do, so she said since we broke the rule, she has to tell him....this is strange in retrospect. However, at the time I thought her dad was being an overprotective homeschooling parent...but I suspect that this may because perhaps things were going on in the background??

I'm sorry if my words and thoughts become jumbled at times, there is a lot that happened in our relationship and I wanted to get all the important details out without making it too long. I'm not sure why I wrote this but I just needed to get it out, I kept it a secret but now I just need to get it out. How can I come to terms that her adopted Dad raped her, she may have liked it due to her saying she "cares" for him and defending him? How can I come to terms that they might have been having sex during our relationship? (my mother said it was a big possibility)

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Again sorry if I'm over the place, just needed to vent.